ho ho whore?

(kinda like duck duck goose...)

so you might be wondering what the hell happened to my christmas wish list seeing as i haven't posted one since thursday last week! the answer is --> i'm a lazy bastard. yup, pure sloth. but don't worry... i'll do a bonanza of wish list items this week (when i get around to it... you know, after i finish up my long list of procrastinating) and it'll be like i didn't miss any days at all!

as for what i really want for christmas...
i have no idea! so stop asking!

starting the day with a bang!

HA! lame title alert!
well at least i didn't make it up myself... i blatently stole it from the product page of today's wish list item.

sticking with our firearms theme from yesterday, i give you the Gun O'Clock Shooting Alarm Clock!what better way to start your day than working yourself into a brain-fuzz panic while trying to turn off your alarm clock! i guarentee this product will be unplugged in the back or your closet or out the window within 2 days of getting it.

you might be a redneck if...

are you ever mircowaving hotdogs and thinking, 'damn! my condiment dispensers are nearly interesting enough... neither are they firearms-y enough...' not to worry, some people with too much time on their hands (and possibly a condiment fetish) have solved this dilema for you!

presenting the amazing condiment gun!please enjoy responsibly.

back when i was a kid...

back when i was a kid (yeah, it was AGES ago...), we had this tv show called Are You Afraid of the Dark? and it aired on YTV, usually back-to-back with Goosebumps... it was a quality hour of television, let me tell you!

anyway, on AYAOTD they always started out with those kids around the campfire - the spooky stories they told were the episodes. and to start off their stories, they announced the name of their story (example: The Tale of the Captured Souls or The Tale of the Dollmaker) while pouring a handful of magic, sparkly sand over the fire... AND the name of their story appreared in the fire!

i found the magic, sparkly sand! i can't wait for my next campfire!it's called Mystical Fire and it's only £1.49 for a 25g baggie! (sure beats coke in the price department... or so i've heard... from strangers of ill-repute... that i associated with by accident...)

PS - one of those kids from around the camp fire now has a full time gig on the weather network!

for when candle-lit dinners just don't cut it

want the ambiance but can't be bothered with all the romance?
FTW - fiber optic placemats!they're each 63"x13" so they'r technically runners and not placemats... and tehy'll run you $200 each so they're for serious diners only. but if you think about it, that's only like 25 cents per square inch! what a steal!

the only thing that would make these better (worse?) is if they also plugged into your computer with a USB and did something useless-er.

PS - one word about my internet jargon up there and you're dead. stone cold d-e-a-d. hear me?

ass ring alert!

you know what i'm talking about...
if not, you'll probably figure it out eventually - even a monkey can do it! are you stupider than a monkey? that's what i thought.

for that person in your life who you hardly ever see because they're ALWAYS in the bathroom, here's something you can give them that will ensure that you NEVER have to see them again... sudoku toilet paper! (pen/pencil not included...)
PS - don't forget to leave some to wipe with!

more bacon!

bacon, you complete me. you had me at hello.

and if your thirst for bacon wasn't satisfied by this, this or THIS then boy-oh-boy, do i have something for you... ok, so maybe it's not as exciting as i'm making it out to be... but maybe that's because you're not actually the bacon lover you professed to be. shame, shame on you for lying. lies make baby jesus cry. well actually, crying babies are fine... just so long as i don't have to soothe them. so go ahead, lie about your bacon lust! see if i care!

ANYway... for the bacon-oholic on your christmas list...
the bacon ipod holder!

rubber ducky, you're the one!

you make bathtime so much fun!
rubber ducky, i'm awfully fond of you!
vo-vo-dee-o!

rubber ducky, joy of joys,
when i squeeze you, you make noise!
rubber ducky, you're my very best friend it's true!

oh, every day when i make my way to the tubby
i find a little fellow who's cute and yellow and chubby!
rub-a-dub-dubby!

ah... memories!

"Rubber Duckies to Help Track Speed of Melting Glaciers"

a rubber ducky for christmas is nice... a rubber ducky that's been on the ultimate greenland water slide is even better! get me one?

why don't women need watches???

because there's a clock on the stove! HA!

but seriously... that last post about the 'reborn' dolls got me thinking about those god-awful baby alive dolls.this is the 'hispantic' version... i'm going to name her guadalupe! because of my love and affection, guadalupe will grow up to be a high-power lawyer with attitude! there's also the african american baby who i'll name kendra and who grows up and runs her local YMCA and is all about the community. and finally there's the 'traditional' caucasian baby who's name will be cindy and she'll grow up to be a tired stripper with no tread left on the tires if you know what i mean...

what? no chinese baby? no indian baby? i guess hasbro figures those minority groups don't need mommy training?

what they say:
Originally introduced in 1973, the much-loved BABY ALIVE doll is back to play with a whole new generation of little girls.
She still "eats" and "poops", and now she's more “life-like” than ever. Best of all, your little girl is sure to love playing "mommy” to this special doll as much as you did years ago.

what i say:
women's rights? gender equality? chuck 'em all in the trash bin. women belong barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen! having little girls growing up playing "mommy" or playing "house" is the sneakiest way ever to keep olden times mentalities from ever going away. and also, are those dolls creepy or what???

sophisticated pallets only

so if you thought this was enough to make you wretch, you might want to mosey on past this post...

some one's in the kitchen with dinah,
some one's in the kitchen i kno-o-o-o-w...
some one's in the kitchen with dinah,
strummin' on the ol' banjo...

banjo is definitely a euphemism.
a euphemism for penis!
strumming it for ingredients!
HA!
presenting the Natural Harvest cookbook!
the little description starts like this:
Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties.

and i'm going to stop it right there! that's quite enough. i may or may not have tossed my cookies already. if you want to read MORE or are interested in purchasing the book, you can meander on over the product page.

sorry about the crudeness up there at the beginning but i just couldn't help myself! i'm sick. i need help. you love it! oh yeah, and if you ever, EVER get this for me as a present (christmas or otherwise) i will be at the nearest sperm bank faster than you can say 'tasty testes' so that i may cook for you all the recipes in that book and shovel every last drop of it in your mouth while you're tied to a chair.

may the food be with you

this christmas, combine your love of cooking with you love of all things geek-tastic... presenting the Star Wars Cookbook Volume I and the Star Wars Cookbook Volume II! alternatively, if you have no love for anything geek-tastic, this could be an acceptable compromise gift for that certain special someone who loves to to cook AND loves geekery but you can't bring yourself to actually buy them what their geeky heart desires. just make it clear that you will NOT be dressing up as princess leia to dine with him on protocol droid pasta...

ANYWAY...

the books feature recipes for such things as 'Hoth Chocolate', 'Tusken Raider Taters', 'Wampa Snow Cones', 'Amidala Challah', 'Watto-melon Cubes' and much, much more.

surprise your (imaginary) friends at your next star wars party by making and bringing along any of these geeky, geeky treats!

them's fightin' words

all i want for christmas is...

YOUR 2 front teeth!
yes, that's right. yours.
hand them over now or i'll take them when you're unconscious.

yup, i'm in that kind of mood today.
not even my 1000th post could put a shine on this day.
i'm going home now... your teeth had better be in the mail.

new pet

i want a gremlin for christmas. a mogwai of my very own to love and take care of!no toy gremlins; i want the real thing!
no furbies either; i already have one, thanks.
i won't even accept a real live furby.
i want a gremlin! (no evil gremlins need apply. must be gizmo-ish in temperament and affection.)

i promise to feed it every night before i go to bed (generally after midnight), take it for nice, long walks in the sunshine, bathe it regularly!

(PS - hank, i love you! i would NEVER get another pet without you permission.)

thinking ahead

which one of you was it?
who went out and bought my christmas present early? before it even ended up on my wish list??? how sneaky! you know me so well... i hope you wrap it up with a giant, sparkly bow!

"Old Vampire-Killing Kit Sells For a Small Fortune"
An authentic vampire-killing kit for the 1800's recently sold at auction for nearly $15,000 to a pale man in a black cape.hmm... pale? black cape? who could it be? or maybe you were really sneaky and sent someone to buy it for you to throw me off track! just tell me - i promise to act surprised. alternatively, you could just give it to me now... i might need it before christmas...

fighting crime in a future time

remember the cartoon C.O.P.S.??? C.O.P.S., short for central organization of police specialists! it's crime fighting time!!!

with names like Baldwin P. 'Bulletproof' Vess (hahaha... kind of like bulletproof vest?), P.J. 'Longarm' O'Malley, Donny 'Hardtop' Brooks, Brandon 'Big Boss' Babel, and Dr. Badvibes, how could you possibly forget this show??
now i was almost completely sure there was a character with a steel/mechanical jaw and i would imagine he'd be named something like Freddy 'Lockjaw' Martinez... but apparently that character was made up in my mind because no such character exists in the cast listing. maybe it's from another show? if you have any idea what you think i'm talking about, please, let me know! otherwise it might make me a little crazier trying to figure it out.

anyway... long story slightly less long, i was going to make a clever remark about said possibly imaginary cartoon character and this:what is it you might ask?
well it's Nitto Kagaku's Kami Kami Sensor!
a who's what???
it's a device that counts the number of bites you take while eating... a mouth pedometer if you will. it reminds you to chew your food thoroughly so you don't choke! or something... it even beeps after every 30 or 1000 bites taken!

OCD? too lazy to actually count your bites to make sure you've chewed each bite exactly pi times? well then this device might be for you! only $188.95!!! order now!

very aPEELing?

now i know i've had lame blog post titles before but this one takes the cake!

aPEELing?
it's about bananas! and the peeling of bananas!

but not REAL bananas!

ever feel like peeling a banana but don't have the motivation to actually eat it afterwards? yeah, that happens to me ALL the time! (sidebar: actually, i think peeling bananas is the worst part... if you mush up the end too much, you'll never be able to open your banana without turning it into puree. this is why i prefer bananas that are just shy of ripe. that and they taste better than the banana compost you get otherwise.) well worry no longer! you shant have to waste a banana to get you banana-peeling giddies any longer! japanese useless gadget creaters have come up with The Dazzling Banana!!!

even has sound effects! oh man... could you imagine if it was scented too?!? can you imagine the lawsuits from all the people who almost choked on that thing because they mistook it for a REAL bananananananana???

now, for those of you with an aversion to bananas, you can still get your fake food unwrapping jollies! introducing the Puni Puni Edamame keychain!the satisfaction of de-podding edamame without the trouble of boiling beans in salt for never ending minutes or the hassle of climbing you lazy ass into you car and driving to the nearest japanese resturaunt!

and bonus! this edamame awesomeness will make you cry noodles!

mmm... mystery meat

for get you magic bullet! you're SO last year quick-n-easy convection oven! jack lalanne, your power juicer blows! showtime rotisserie? set you and forget you!

the hot dog rotisserie is the shit when it comes to useless kitchen gadgets!what they say:
Enjoy the great taste of Cinema style hot dogs at home with the Giles and Posner Hot dog Rotisserie; Now there is no need to brave the cold or put up with unwanted expense for the cinema or stadium experience.
The Hot Dog Rotisserie’s non-stick rollers cook evenly, to deliver perfect hot dogs and two bread heaters ensure your bread buns are toasty hot. It even includes a removable drip tray which drains away fat leaving your hot dogs succulent, without being greasy.
If you're not ready for your hot dogs yet, simply set the heater to keep the hot dogs warm. Yum!

hot damn! i can't wait for this to clutter up my kitchen counter and eventually be sold for $2 at a garage sale! awesomeness! excuse me, i really need to go have a hot dog now... but just a lame microwaved one. why would i wait 10-15 minutes for a rotisserie hot dog when i can have it, exploded at both ends, in 30 seconds using dazzling micro waves??? that's what i thought.

PS - magic bullet, i totally apologize! i will always love you!

eye spy

if you ever EVER get this for me for christmas (or any other occasion for that matter) i will kill you. kill you dead. stone cold dead. so don't do it!

hurray (??) for eye jewellery!!!
trust the dutch to come up with and actually follow through on this squimish new fad... a 3.5mm wide piece of platinum is inserted (gag) into the eye's mucous (oh, i almost barfed there...) membrane under local anaesthetic.

and if you're not up for something so extreme (although, a proponent of the metal eye shards says it's "a little more subtle than piercing.") there is a less gross alternative!

hurray (??) for contact eye jewels!!if you can do contact lenses (i can't) you can do this! they just dangle from your contact lenses... and they're not supposed to affect your vision... whatever man! i get an eyelash out of place and i'm driving off the road trying to remedy it! and wouldn't you be afraid of someone coming up to you and trying to pluck it off like a loose thread? ~shudder~

and your welcome. i DID have fun ruining your afternoon!

come to the dark side... we have toast!

speaking of my brain being burnt toast...
here's something for every sci-fi nerd on your christmas list!

a darth vader toaster!
(so much cooler than the hello kitty toaster...)
have this baby proudly sitting in your kitchen and guarenteed you won't have to be hassled with asking anyone how they want their eggs in the morning... you can just sit alone day & night and eat your fancy-schmancy darth vader toast.

fine dining

if you get these in your stocking this christmas, you can bust them out at christmas dinner and everyone (even grandma!) can eat in extra super elegance... tie required? no problem!say hello to Dress for Dinner Tie Napkins!!!

Does the prospect of getting dressed up for a spot of dinner with your friends seem a bit pointless to you? Worried that you're going to get your best work shirt ruined with spaghetti bolognaise stains?
With our Dress for Dinner Napkins, t-shirt loving guys can now look presentable at the dinner table with minimal effort. A funny conversation starter for your next fancy shindig or fine dining excursion, but also hilarious enough for everyday use!
Each package contains 20 paper napkins, 5 each of 4 different tie designs (choose between stripes, solids, or polka dots).