goldilocks was right to complain

this porridge is too hot... this porridge is too cold...

as whiny and selfish as that bitch (and criminal*) might have been, i'm siding with her now because i'm about to complain about something that everyone always chides me about - the weather.

the temperature is too hot... the temperature is too cold...

fuck you all. i'm complaining about the weather.

what happened to summer?
it was down right chilly this morning!
after a sweltering summer vacation in the city, it looks like summer is packing its bags and getting ready to head out.

while it was feeling like autumn overnight, i actually don't know if it's warmed up yet today... the weather network says it's like 20 out there now and projected to go up to 24 this afternoon. but instead of frolicking in the glorious sunshine, i'm sitting at my desk shivering and trying to warm myself with the glow of my computer monitor... clearly, my building's environmental controls still think the sun is set to frazzle.

don't get me wrong, i know it takes A LOT of energy and a fair amount of time to change the temperature of an entire building and yet here i am complaining... this happens every time the outside temperature changes more than infinitesimally. so really, there's nothing i can do other than whine. and demand porridge.
______________________________
* so everyone in the goldilocks story is a criminal... goldilocks can add breaking & entering to her rap sheet as well as property destruction and theft. and the bears? murder. ok, so that doesn't happen in all of the versions of the story... but if you think about it, do you think you'd escape with your life if you were sleeping in a grizzly bear's den when they came home? yeah, goldilocks getting eaten by the bears is the logical conclusion to the story - after all, they'd be hungry considering she ate all their delicious, delicious porridge.

in the end, aside from teaching children about opposites (hot-cold, hard-soft), what lessons is this story really teaching?? a little girl breaks into a house that's not hers, eats food that's not hers, breaks furniture that's (you guessed it) not hers. and then instead of doing the smart thing and getting the fuck outta dodge, she takes a nap, in plain view. if you go with the family-friendly ending, she wakes up when the bears come home and runs away. so at most, the consequence for all her criminal activity is that she gets scared.

moral of the story: do anything you want and everything will be fine so long as you don't get caught... except she DID get caught! the bears caught her sleeping in their house with porridge crust stuck in the corners of her mouth! call the fucking police!

horatio caine: when we catch this criminal, the punishment's going to be juuust right.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

because i am totally good at remembering...

earlier last week i posted a little brain teaser about the lesser known full names of fictional characters and just in case you've been pulling your hair out from the stress of not knowing them all, here are the answers:

1. Patricia Reinchardt
E. Peppermint Patty

2. Edgar Mallory
I. The policeman from the game Monopoly

3. Bernie Liederkrantz
D. Guy Smiley from Sesame Street

4. Jonas Grumby
J. The Skipper from Gilligan's Island

5. Noreville Rogers
F. Shaggy from Scooby-Doo

6. Jeff Albertson
C. Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons

7. Barbara Millicent Roberts
A. Barbie

8. Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkel Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs
K. The Wizard from The Wizard of Oz

9. Salvatore Assante
L. Turtle from Entourage

10. Nostradamus Shannon
B. Bull from Night Court

11. John Reid
G. The Lone Ranger

12. Cavity Sam
H. The patient from the game Operation

who?

see if you can match up these full names to some of your favourite fictional characters:

1. Patricia Reinchardt
2. Edgar Mallory
3. Bernie Liederkrantz
4. Jonas Grumby
5. Norville Rogers
6. Jeff Albertson
7. Barbara Millicent Roberts
8. Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkel Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs
9. Salvatore Assante
10. Nostradamus Shannon
11. John Reid
12. Cavity Sam

A. Barbie
B. Bull from Night Court
C. Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons
D. Guy Smiley from Sesame Street
E. Peppermint Patty
F. Shaggy from Scooby-Doo
G. The Lone Ranger
H. The patient from the game Operation
I. The policeman from the game Monopoly
J. The Skipper from Gilligan's Island
K. The Wizard from The Wizard of Oz
L. Turtle from Entourage

smiles!

did you know...?

apparently, if you lose your balloon at disneyland you can go to city hall on main street and tell them what happened, you'll get a voucher for a replacement balloon! no more tears!

dare to compare

how is THIS all that much different from THIS???

note: may be slightly NSFW...

prepare for the end

ok, i know i talk about the apocalypse and the end of the world all the time but this time it might actually be true!!! so take precautions and start laying in supplies for your basement bunker.

Hair flip is key to Justin Bieber bob
Tweens flock to Toronto salons to get singing sensation's shaggy hairdo

i sincerely hope they mean that tween girls are flocking to the hairdresser to ruin their heads with this hair-don't because if boys are hoping to get some attention with his style, they had better only be interested in other boys.

this kid is annoying to the nth degree and deserves the same attention (if not less) than expired beef jerky. like most kid/tween obsessions, i simply do not get it and i sincerely hope that i am able to raise my future children well enough that they do not get brainwashed into liking this type of shiznat.

lurking in a parking lot near you...

the only thing that would have made this better is if there had been a car seat in the back...

crushing dreams at an early age...

remember how waaay back in the day you had aspirations to be a fireman, or a police officer, or a astronaut, or a marine biologist...?

and now after finding out the particular skill set that was bestowed upon you with didn't exactly mesh with your childhood fantasies you're parked permanently behind a desk. does wallowing in your shattered dreams depress you to no end?

well, if your parents hadn't routinely told you that you could be anything you wanted, maybe you'd be more content with your current lot in life. so why not start your kid off with middling aspirations and get them this:Baby's First Cubicle: The Most Depressing Toy Ever?

and if you think even that might be too lofty of a goal, you can always go for this instead.

blasphemy!

well i guess it's true.
kids these days really ARE getting stupider.
and guess what? retailers are helping!

first they go and ruin the educational value of a game like monopoly and now this:

New Scrabble to add proper names

not only are these brain-melters adding proper nouns but they also want to throw in unconnected words and words spelled backwards!

unconnected words?!? what's even the point???
people will just be laying down word on all the triple word scores right off the bat! and those squares are a privilege, not a right! you have to work for them!

luckily for us, all this madness is only happening on the other side of the pond... mattel u.k. are the crazies that are releasing this 'special' edition come the summer.

going overboard

"Two-inch LEGO gun get 4th-grader in trouble"
Parents left fuming after principal threatens the boy with suspension

A tiny toy led to big trouble for one fourth-grade New York City boy.

Patrick Timoney, a 9-year-old student at PS 52 in Staten Island, N.Y., was in the school cafeteria Tuesday playing with LEGOs when he was taken to the principal's office and threatened with suspension. One of his toys was a LEGO policeman that holds a 2-inch plastic gun. The school has a no-tolerance policy when it comes to toy guns.

ok, i see the necessity of having a no guns (toy or otherwise) policy in a school but this is a little absurd. there has to be a line drawn somewhere... if it were a full-sized gun that might be accidentally identified as a real weapon, that's where the concern is. a solid piece of plastic no bigger than a child's finger doesn't bother me as much.

as a side note, my love of LEGO might have me on a bit of i biased tack here... but if other people weren't as laughably concerned as me, this wouldn't even be news.

you think you've got a lot going on???

let's play a game...

which horrifying clown (and/or puppet) does this pretty pretty princess remind you of the most???

ah, childhood...

err... yes, i am aware play-doh is non-toxic but i don't know if this is the message you want to be sending to kids and their parents.

sunny day, sweepin' the clouds away

if you happened to drop by the google site today, you might have noticed that they changed their logo to commemorate a rather special occasion...sesame street is celebrating its 40th anniversary!
in an episode that will air november 10th, michelle obama will make an appearance with elmo encoraging kids to eat well and exercise. yeah... good luck with that!

this show was so much better way back when times were simpler and being politically correct didn't override content... and also when there wasn't 1 million & 1 spin-offs, specials, and more such as:
a sesame street christmas carol
elmo's potty time
sesame street: friends to the rescue
sesame street: three bears and a new baby
(on a semi-related note, did you hear that they're thinking of making a three men and a baby sequel???)
sesame street visits the firehouse
don't eat the pictures: sesame street at the metropolitan museum of art
christmas eve on sesame street

what a twee-st!

remember goosebumps?
ah the good ol' days...

i feel as though i'm still too young to have memories of the good ol' days... possibly because i've never matured mentally past the age 12 at most. meh...

anyway, goosebumps!
for the sake of nostalgia (or, as i'm going to start calling it, new-stalgia) go here:
"10 Most Spooktacular Twists in the Goosebumps Books"

FABulous dahling...

here, have yourself a good giggle over this one...

say hello to palm beach sugar daddy ken!
that's right... PALM BEACH SUGAR DADDY KEN! complete with silly clothes and an enragingly tiny dog!

eww...

opinions may differ but i think this is EXACTLY how you should explain to your daughter what happened to mr. fluffernutter.

the force is strong with this one*

another reason obama might just be the most awesome/nerdiest president the united states has even had.

*lamest post title EVER!

WRONG: girl lego

ugh... i think i just threw up a little.
pink-themed lego that is essentially a rip off of polly pockets? (and not the good polly pockets they had back in the day, but the current version that definitely doesn't fit you your pocket)

i HATE it when a toy company or whoever thinks their product isn't appealling to girls so their solution is invariably to make it pink and add flowers and/or pets.

little boys get to play with dragons, police cars, and medieval knights... and little girls? kitchen playsets, bimbo faries, and baby dolls that wet themselves. yeah, if that doesn't spell progessive, what does?

it feels so... degrading? is that the word i want? i'm not sure... i just feel all icky when i think about it. if any girl-child of mind ends up like pink or princesses i might just die.

bratz 2.0

so my distaste for those bratz dolls is not documented here but it DOES exist and it is massive. giving one of those to your kid is like insuring they have a std by the time they're 12...

but... these dolls here, altought seemingly dressed classier, are giving the bratz a run for their money in the skank department...