Showing posts with label laughs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label laughs. Show all posts

Thursday, August 11, 2011

it's all in the phrasing


as hilariously (and possibly unintentionally) lewd as that is, i was almost as amused with the comments section:

being viral makes viral thing go viral.

other 11' inch things at hogwarts here.
WARNING: definitely nsfw. and also nsfawdwtst - not safe for anyone who doesn't want to sleep tonight... the bravest of you who read it, i dare you to tell me you didn't cry a little bit in horror.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

dumb jokes for smart people

the title pretty much says it all... just because you're an intellectual doesn't make you immune from stupid jokes. here are some brainy puns that are sure to make you groan.

it's true... like getting that girl pregnant in high school.

peer pressure is intense.

but neither win against rock, paper, scissors, or my shoe.

but i always colour inside the lines.

go ahead, circle-lover! try an argue the point!
(ha! see what i did there? yeah, i used the same joke again... what of it?)

like chemistry cat? more here.

Friday, July 22, 2011

have you accepted jesus christ fettuccine as your personal saviour?

Austrian driver allowed 'pastafarian' headgear in photo
An Austrian atheist has won the right to be shown on his driving-licence photo wearing a pasta strainer as "religious headgear"

right off the bat, i am unsure how one can be an atheist AND a pastafarian... atheism is the rejection of belief in higher beings and pastafarians "believe in" the flying spaghetti monster. so which is it, mr. alm???

the part that tickles my fancy the most is where the authorities required him to get an official not from a doctor to say he was "psychologically fit" to drive. isn't that religious discrimination or something?

how is believing in a flying spaghetti monster any different from believing in virgin births, ghosts, or elephant-headed deities. i'm pretty sure no one wearing a yarmulke, hijab, or a nun's habit was ever required to take a mental fitness test in order to get their licence.

if a pastafarian is required to be deemed "psychologically fit" to drive then i think there should be a standardized mental test for all religious believers.

Monday, July 11, 2011

there's no shame in being second

Announcer: And now, Avis Rent-A-Car is proud to present the scond best band in America. Will you welcome Garfunkel, Messina, Oates, and Lisa singing their number two hit, "Born to Runner-Up"
[band begins to play, audience boos]
Lisa: Why would they come to our concert just to boo us?

so there's no shame in being second but there is shame in being a jonas.
case in point: Jonas booed, pelted with basketballs

the irony, she is delicious!

Dan Aykroyd stopped for speeding on way to Honda Indy

Aykroyd, the grand marshal of this year's Honda Indy Toronto, said he was "racing to the race."

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

i would totally read that book!

Since 1982 the English Department at San Jose State University has sponsered the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a whimisical literary competition that challengers entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels.

2010's grand prize winner was molly ringle from seattle, washington and here is her entry:
For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity's affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss--a length, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity's mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world's thirstiest gerbil.

for the rest of the 2010 contest results, including category winners and runners-up, go HERE

for the historical list of grand prize winners, go HERE

Friday, June 25, 2010

making your friday even better

if you thought today was already awesome enough because it was friday then be prepared to have your mind blown because things are about to get better. what would you say if i told you that today, a perfectly awesome friday, could be made better by LOL-ing yourself until you soiled yourself? "FUCK YEAH!" is what you should say... ok, so i may have exaggerated about the soiling yourself part but if you REALLY wanted to, you could wait until you really had to pee before reading this blog post:

Sneaky Hate Spiral

i LOL-ed, i snorted, i chuckled... all while sitting in my cubicle attempting to convince society i am one of its valuable members by virtue of having a job, creating commerce, and generally keeping the earth spinning on its axis.

just like with the cookies, it's hardly my fault... how can i be expected to keep my "professional" facade when presented with something like this:
or this:
or this:
seriously!

go, read the post, and make your friday and even better day.

in case of emergency, for making other lesser days (i'm looking at you, tuesday) more awesome, you can check out the entire blog here:
Hyperbole and a Half

Thursday, April 22, 2010

lurking in a parking lot near you...

the only thing that would have made this better is if there had been a car seat in the back...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

oh is THAT what that is...

i'm not even going to tell you what it's supposed to be...
you can be curious and follow the link for yourself.

Monday, April 19, 2010

soylent green is people!

Penguin cookbook calls for 'freshly ground black people'
Publisher destroys 7,000 copies of The Pasta Bible after 'silly mistake' causes outrage

A recipe for tagliatelle with sardines and prosciutto has proved a little too spicy for Penguin Australia, after a misprint suggesting that the dish required "salt and freshly ground black people" has left the publisher reaching for the pulping machine, rather than the pepper grinder.

It's a one-word slip that only came to light after a member of the public got in touch, and which has sent all 7,000 copies of The Pasta Bible at Penguin's warehouse to be destroyed, an exercise which head of publishing, Robert Sessions, told the Sydney Morning Herald would cost $ 20,000.

There are, as yet, no plans to recall copies that have made it into stores, which according to Sessions would be "extremely hard". He was "mortified that this has become an issue of any kind", adding that "why anyone would be offended, we don't know".

Sessions defended proofreaders for letting through a misprint that he suggested came from a spell-check program, explaining that since almost every recipe in the book calls for black pepper at a on each page it was an error he considered "quite forgivable". He went on to attack those who might complain about what he called a "silly mistake" as "small minded".

Meanwhile, the clean-up operation continues, with the publisher releasing a rather more emollient statement on its website offering sincere apologies "for any offence this error may have caused readers", and suggesting that proofreaders "would have been concentrating on checking quantities, a common source of error in cookbooks". Penguin also offered to "willingly replace a copy of The Pasta Bible owned by anyone who feels uncomfortable about having a copy of the book in their possession".

Speaking to the Guardian this afternoon, Sessions was unwilling to add to his earlier remarks, explaining that he had "nothing further to say", and referring to the Penguin website.

Friday, March 12, 2010

set your VCRs TiVos!

octogenarian actress and all-round funny lady BETTY WHITE is going to be hosting SNL on SATURDAY MAY 8th! on my birthday! if any event could ever outshine my prestigious birth, this is surely it.

apparently she's turned lorne michaels down 3 times before! and she never wanted to host SNL either... just kidding, betty!

anyway, when fans start a'knocking, you better start a'hopping.
It was her appearance in a Super Bowl candy commercial in which she's tackled in the mud by a football player. The spot topped USA TODAY's Ad Meter poll and lit a fuse on a Facebook campaign, where a "Betty White to Host SNL (please?)!" group — started in late December — has attracted nearly half a million members.
so there you have it folks... joining facebook groups really can change the world!
tune in and watch betty knock it out of the park on may 8th!
(also, please send me birthday cake!)

Friday, March 5, 2010

the things that only prince would sing about

you've had enough of two hand touch
you want it rough you're out of bounds
i want you smothered want you covered
like my waffle house hash browns

come quicker than fed-ex never reach an apex
just like coca cola stock
you are inclined to make me rise an hour early
just like daylight savings time

(do it now)
you and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
so let's do it like they do it on the discovery channel
(do it again now)
you and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel
(gettin' horny now)

love the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket
like the the lost catacombs of egypt only god knows where we stuck it
hieroglyphics let me be pacific i wanna be down in your south seas
but i got this notion that the motion of your ocean means small craft advisory

so if i capsize on your thighs high tide be five you sunk my battleship
please turn me on i'm mister coffee with an automatic drop
so show me yours i'll show you mine tool time and you'll lovett just like lyle
and then we'll do it doggy style so we can both watch x-files