Monday, September 12, 2011

captain obvious to the rescue!

Cigarette-smoking orangutan forced to go cold turkey

KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA -- A captive orangutan [named Shirley] often spotted smoking cigarettes given to her by zoo visitors is being forced to kick the habit, a Malaysian wildlife official said Monday.

[...]

Melaka Zoo Director Ahmad Azhar Mohammed said Shirley is not being provided with any more cigarettes because "smoking is not normal behaviour for orangutans."

--------------------

why thank you so much, melaka zoo director ahmad azhar mohammed... if you hadn't told me, i would have thought all orangs were two-pack-a-day smokers. from what i've seen, i would have assumed it was totally natural... i'm sure i've seen it on the national geographic channel or something.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

my dream car

Driver of Motorized Beer Cooler Charged With Drunk Driving

NOOSA, Australia -- An Australian man caught driving a motorized cooler box [...] appeared in court charged with drunk driving, The Courier Mail reported Monday.

Christopher Ian Petrie, 23, faces charges of driving under the influence and driving without a license after police caught him on the makeshift vehicle, which was powered by a 50cc engine.

[...]

Petrie's lawyers won an adjournment from magistrate John Parker as they sough to establish "whether a motorized esky [cooler box] was in fact a motor vehicle."

An amused Parker inquired with Petrie about his cooler box's performance.

"How much beer can it hold?" he asked the defendant. Petrie told the court the cooler box could hold "at least a couple of cartons."

Monday, August 15, 2011

because i really just wanted to write "anal sphincter" a bunch of times

also, it's monday and i wanted to gross you out...
be glad i didn't subject you to the associated picture!
here instead is a picture of a chocolate starfish:
and then:
anal sphincter
anal sphincter
anal sphincter
anal sphincter
anal sphincter
anal sphincter
anal sphincter


"Fecal incontinence because of degenerated or weakened internal anal sphincter (IAS) has a high incidence rate in aging populations. [...] Bioengineering could play a role in developing a translational approach to remedy fecal incontinence because of weakened IAS."

oh splendid, people are dying of horrible incurable diseases all over the world and these guys are spending their time and money making sure people don't shit themselves. A+

Thursday, August 11, 2011

it's all in the phrasing


as hilariously (and possibly unintentionally) lewd as that is, i was almost as amused with the comments section:

being viral makes viral thing go viral.

other 11' inch things at hogwarts here.
WARNING: definitely nsfw. and also nsfawdwtst - not safe for anyone who doesn't want to sleep tonight... the bravest of you who read it, i dare you to tell me you didn't cry a little bit in horror.

goldilocks was right to complain

this porridge is too hot... this porridge is too cold...

as whiny and selfish as that bitch (and criminal*) might have been, i'm siding with her now because i'm about to complain about something that everyone always chides me about - the weather.

the temperature is too hot... the temperature is too cold...

fuck you all. i'm complaining about the weather.

what happened to summer?
it was down right chilly this morning!
after a sweltering summer vacation in the city, it looks like summer is packing its bags and getting ready to head out.

while it was feeling like autumn overnight, i actually don't know if it's warmed up yet today... the weather network says it's like 20 out there now and projected to go up to 24 this afternoon. but instead of frolicking in the glorious sunshine, i'm sitting at my desk shivering and trying to warm myself with the glow of my computer monitor... clearly, my building's environmental controls still think the sun is set to frazzle.

don't get me wrong, i know it takes A LOT of energy and a fair amount of time to change the temperature of an entire building and yet here i am complaining... this happens every time the outside temperature changes more than infinitesimally. so really, there's nothing i can do other than whine. and demand porridge.
______________________________
* so everyone in the goldilocks story is a criminal... goldilocks can add breaking & entering to her rap sheet as well as property destruction and theft. and the bears? murder. ok, so that doesn't happen in all of the versions of the story... but if you think about it, do you think you'd escape with your life if you were sleeping in a grizzly bear's den when they came home? yeah, goldilocks getting eaten by the bears is the logical conclusion to the story - after all, they'd be hungry considering she ate all their delicious, delicious porridge.

in the end, aside from teaching children about opposites (hot-cold, hard-soft), what lessons is this story really teaching?? a little girl breaks into a house that's not hers, eats food that's not hers, breaks furniture that's (you guessed it) not hers. and then instead of doing the smart thing and getting the fuck outta dodge, she takes a nap, in plain view. if you go with the family-friendly ending, she wakes up when the bears come home and runs away. so at most, the consequence for all her criminal activity is that she gets scared.

moral of the story: do anything you want and everything will be fine so long as you don't get caught... except she DID get caught! the bears caught her sleeping in their house with porridge crust stuck in the corners of her mouth! call the fucking police!

horatio caine: when we catch this criminal, the punishment's going to be juuust right.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

i don't know WHAT i was thinking...

after reading that headline maybe a good half dozen times, my brain still wanted me to bellieve it said "Are new blood-sucking tits heading to Canada?"

and it didn't really occur to me that i might be misreading it so then my brain was further baffled trying to imagine what the hell a "blood-sucking tit" could possibly be and, more importantly, what they wanted in canada...

clearly, i need more sleep.

if you're tryely interested, the whole story is here.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

you are what you eat

and apparently these people didn't eat anything with common sense as an ingredient...

Gourmet bakery's spelt scone not as healthy as advertised

the gist: this 'health food' place was selling fresh fruit scones and advertizing that they only had 220 calories. after an independent investigation, it turns out the scones had closer to 600 calories. people were upset.

my question: how could anyone believe that something as dense as a scone, especially one topped with "a generous portion" of sugary (read: cal-o-rific) fruits, could be anywhere near 200 calories? considering the scone in question "weighs almost half a pound" someone should have been asking questions about the legitimacy of the nutritional information..

the owner and one of the bakery workers were "surprised" byt the results because they "sourced the scone's nutrition information from the Internet." yup, the internet - where nothing is ever wrong.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

dumb jokes for smart people

the title pretty much says it all... just because you're an intellectual doesn't make you immune from stupid jokes. here are some brainy puns that are sure to make you groan.

it's true... like getting that girl pregnant in high school.

peer pressure is intense.

but neither win against rock, paper, scissors, or my shoe.

but i always colour inside the lines.

go ahead, circle-lover! try an argue the point!
(ha! see what i did there? yeah, i used the same joke again... what of it?)

like chemistry cat? more here.

sure to win an award for journalistic excellence

well yes, me, of course... i'm all about integrity. and plagiarism.

but this has got to at least be the headline of the year:

'Extra sugar' at Dunkin' Donuts leads to prostitution charges

ROCKAWAY TOWNSHIP, N.J. -- Police say there was more on the menu than Munchkins and lattes during the late shift at a Dunkin' Donuts in northern New Jersey.

A 29-year-old female is facing prostitution charges after police say she took breaks to provide sex in exchange for money.

Rockaway Township police launched an investigation known as "extra sugar: after getting a tip about the workers activities at the shop.

Detective Sgt. Kyle Schwarzmann told The Daily Record of Parsippany he noticed that 29-year-old Melissa Redmond of Mine Hill would go out to cars and would spend 10 to 15 minutes in the vehicles.

Schwarzmann says Redmond was arrested after soliciting sex from an undercover officer.

No one at the Dunkin' Donuts wanted to comment.

Monday, July 25, 2011

handful of cute

mama, can i have one?

more cookin' in your car

with this heatwave hopefully passing with the theatrical thunderstorms this morning, sticky, sweaty people and thirsty plants are breathing a sigh of relief. the heat has insiped people (particularly news-type people looking for a way to report on the weather other than saying "boy, is it ever hot!") to come up with some interesting culinary car creations. the other day we had a guy semi-successfully cook a roast & veggies in his car and now we've got this lady baking cookies!
Why does my car smell like cookies?

Friday, July 22, 2011

have you accepted jesus christ fettuccine as your personal saviour?

Austrian driver allowed 'pastafarian' headgear in photo
An Austrian atheist has won the right to be shown on his driving-licence photo wearing a pasta strainer as "religious headgear"

right off the bat, i am unsure how one can be an atheist AND a pastafarian... atheism is the rejection of belief in higher beings and pastafarians "believe in" the flying spaghetti monster. so which is it, mr. alm???

the part that tickles my fancy the most is where the authorities required him to get an official not from a doctor to say he was "psychologically fit" to drive. isn't that religious discrimination or something?

how is believing in a flying spaghetti monster any different from believing in virgin births, ghosts, or elephant-headed deities. i'm pretty sure no one wearing a yarmulke, hijab, or a nun's habit was ever required to take a mental fitness test in order to get their licence.

if a pastafarian is required to be deemed "psychologically fit" to drive then i think there should be a standardized mental test for all religious believers.

squee!!!

oh this is too cute for words!

i'm a sucker for all things turtle...

now before you give me grief, YES - this is a tortoise.
would you agree that tortoises are sort of turtle-ish? or turtles are sort of tortoise-ish? exactly.

PULLMAN, WASH. -- The artificial limb put on an African tortoise at Washington State University didn't come from a high-tech prosthetics lab. It came from a hardware store.

The caster-style wheel cost around $7, according to the two veterinarians who installed it on the tortoise after amputating a damaged front leg. They said the wheel was purchased off-the-shelf, as was the expoy that attached it to the shell.

The tortoise was shown to the public Thursday, and spent his time eating grass and other plants outside the WSU veterinary hospital.

Doctors Nicol Finch and Courtney Watkins say the tortoise is moving well and gaining weight. They say this is the first time they've put a wheel on a tortoise, although the rocedure has been done elsewhere.

it's like an oven out there!


Thestar.com - VideoZone - Car-cooked roast taste test

Thursday, July 21, 2011

shake, rattle and demolish

Seventeen people performing a vigorous Tae Bo workout caused tremors that forced the evacuation of a South Korean skyscraper earlier this month, the building's owners say.

"It just happened to be that the vibration cycle caused by Tae Bo collided with the vertical vibration cycle unique to the building." [...] The action amplified the building's vibration and caused the shaking.

go banana!

oh ralph... one day everything will come together for you. but remember, don't join a band with bart.

in other banana-related news, i'm not sure if i desperately want these or am a little too weirded out by them...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

more seafood apocalypse

F*CK! SUPER INTELLIGENT FISH!!!

Diver takes first ever photos of a wild fish using a tool

The pictures provide fantastic proof of these intelligent fish at work using tools to access prey that they would otherwise miss out on.

PREY LIKE HUMANS!

Dr. Brown described the fish's actions as 'landing absolutely pinpoint blows.'

DEADLY ACCURACY!

more proof that we're clearly doomed.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

koalaz is hoz

did you know...?

Three quarters of all captive female koalas suffer from a strain of Chlamydia that can result in sterility.

mmm... spicy.

luckily there's still one quarter that can turn out adorable baby koalas like this:

check out more cute baby zoo animals here:
20 Cutest ZooBorns On Earth

the end will come from the seas!

i really think we need to be on a higher alert level for what i am going to call the "seafood apocalypse".... i don't know about you but if squids with elbows and immortal jellyfish have me freaked right the f*ck out.

AND NOW THIS!

Jellyfish Invade Four Nuclear Reactors in Japan, Israel, Scotland
Four nuclear reactors in Japan, Israel and Scotland were forced to shutdown due to the infiltration of enormous swarms of jellyfish, which clogged the plant's cooling system.

for eff's sake! they're organized! this is a full-blown kamikaze attack! THREAT LEVEL 11!

Monday, July 11, 2011

there's no shame in being second

Announcer: And now, Avis Rent-A-Car is proud to present the scond best band in America. Will you welcome Garfunkel, Messina, Oates, and Lisa singing their number two hit, "Born to Runner-Up"
[band begins to play, audience boos]
Lisa: Why would they come to our concert just to boo us?

so there's no shame in being second but there is shame in being a jonas.
case in point: Jonas booed, pelted with basketballs

the irony, she is delicious!

Dan Aykroyd stopped for speeding on way to Honda Indy

Aykroyd, the grand marshal of this year's Honda Indy Toronto, said he was "racing to the race."

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

word of the day - jul 5 11

noun
1. the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning; the irony of her reply, "How nice!" when I said I had to work all weekend.
2. Literature.
a. a technique of indicating, as through a character or plot development, an intention or attitude opposite to that which is actually or ostensibly stated.
b. (especially in contemporary writing) a manner of organizing a work so as to give full expression to contradictory or complementary impulses, attitudes, etc., especially as a means of indicating detachment from a subject, theme, or emotion.
3. Socratic irony.

also see:
Motorcyclist killed in anti-helmet rally
A man riding bareheaded on one of about 550 motorcycles in an anti-helmet law rally lost control of his cycle, went over the handlebars, hit his head on the pavement and died near Syracuse, N.Y., police said Sunday.

The motorcyclist, 55-year-old Philip A. Contos, likely would have survived the accident if he's been wearing a helmet, state troopers said.

Friday, July 1, 2011

a voice-thrower par excellence or a brash stick of kindling?

holy unholy cheese, batman! does xtina ever look like twilight zone material here?!?

seriously, i dare you to tell me that she doesn't look like a possessed ventriloquist dummy.
i swear, you better sleep with one eye open because she is coming for YOU!

canada day confection

Happy Bloody Band-Aid Day!
Once you see it, it's all you see.

mmm i love turtles!

Turtles on the tarmac! Flights delayed at Kennedy airport

NEW YORK—About 150 turtles crawled onto the tarmac at New York’s Kennedy airport Wednesday in search of beaches to lay their eggs, delaying dozens of flights, aviation authorities said.

The slow-motion stampede began about 6:45 a.m., and within three hours there were so many turtles on Runway 4L and nearby taxiways that controllers were forced to move departing flights to another runway.

thumbs up

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

coffee? tea? pee?

Bloke pissing in reservoir prompts 8m gallon flush
'Do you want to drink pee?' asks Portland water official

puleeze! you take in more concentrated pee that this every time you go to the public swimming pool!

and why the big kafuffle about human pee? you don't even want to think about how much wild animal pee (and poo, don't forget about the poo!) is in there!

besides, doesn't the water go through some sort of processing plant before it gets to your pipes anyway?

i was on vacation somewhere up north one time and they found a dead deer in the reservoir and all they did was tell people to boil their water. no biggie...

way to overreact, oregon!

get out of my head!!!


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

someone has a sense of humour...

personally, i'm going with the abraham lincoln

Remember Movember? Well, here comes Julyna

it's exactly what it sounds like.

what exactly does it sound like, you ask?

instead of men sporting ridiculous moustaches in support of cancer research, a group of more-clever-than-thou women have decided to create their own event with beards... clam beards.

"It's unique, it's different, it's cutting edge..." it's not appropriate for a public or professional environment?

while i DO support the cause (getting people talking about cervical cancer and human papillomavirus) and i DO agree with their sentiment that an event needs to be attention-grabbing to successful these days, i don't know if this is the right way to go about it...?

it may seem hypocritical that i am a regualr participant in the Underwear Affair, where people run through the streets in their unmentionables in support of down there cancers, but at least all the naughty bits are covered. i'm no prude and yet the discussion of lady bits and how they are being groomed still makes me uncomfortable.

all that being said, i'm probably silumtaneously proud of and jealous of any woman brave enough to announce her intentions and go ahead with this fundraising campaign. men should be encouraged to participate as well because we all know that a little good grooming would make the world a much, much better place.

good for me for ending on a high note! let's try for higher.

"Stencils for suggested hair designs [...] include the arrow, the Charlie Chaplin, the Barbara Bush, the Movember, the rising sun, the side part and the David Suzuki."

what? no abe?

in technical terms


"The bacteria and the manure will 'produce little farts' of methane that will rise to the top of the digester, where the gas will be captured and burned."

getting back into the swing, swing, swing of things

i thought it only fitting that on this first day of summer, as school children everywhere anxiously await their summer parole, i should make my return!

please, hold back your tears of joy.

although i am beset with other project (work-related and otherwise) i shall endeavour to keep you (and myself) entertained with all manner of random nonsense and hard-hitting political news. well, maybe not that last thing.