captain obvious to the rescue!

Cigarette-smoking orangutan forced to go cold turkey

KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA -- A captive orangutan [named Shirley] often spotted smoking cigarettes given to her by zoo visitors is being forced to kick the habit, a Malaysian wildlife official said Monday.

[...]

Melaka Zoo Director Ahmad Azhar Mohammed said Shirley is not being provided with any more cigarettes because "smoking is not normal behaviour for orangutans."

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why thank you so much, melaka zoo director ahmad azhar mohammed... if you hadn't told me, i would have thought all orangs were two-pack-a-day smokers. from what i've seen, i would have assumed it was totally natural... i'm sure i've seen it on the national geographic channel or something.

you are what you eat

and apparently these people didn't eat anything with common sense as an ingredient...

Gourmet bakery's spelt scone not as healthy as advertised

the gist: this 'health food' place was selling fresh fruit scones and advertizing that they only had 220 calories. after an independent investigation, it turns out the scones had closer to 600 calories. people were upset.

my question: how could anyone believe that something as dense as a scone, especially one topped with "a generous portion" of sugary (read: cal-o-rific) fruits, could be anywhere near 200 calories? considering the scone in question "weighs almost half a pound" someone should have been asking questions about the legitimacy of the nutritional information..

the owner and one of the bakery workers were "surprised" byt the results because they "sourced the scone's nutrition information from the Internet." yup, the internet - where nothing is ever wrong.

behold, i come quickly

H Replacement FAIL

there's no shame in being second

Announcer: And now, Avis Rent-A-Car is proud to present the scond best band in America. Will you welcome Garfunkel, Messina, Oates, and Lisa singing their number two hit, "Born to Runner-Up"
[band begins to play, audience boos]
Lisa: Why would they come to our concert just to boo us?

so there's no shame in being second but there is shame in being a jonas.
case in point: Jonas booed, pelted with basketballs

someone has a sense of humour...

Product Placement FAIL

employee of the month

Woman set office fire to go home early

NEW PORT RICHEY, Fla., June 24 (UPI) -- A Florida woman accused of starting an office fire to get sent home early with pay pleaded guilty to criminal mischief.

The Pasco County Sheriff's Office said Michelle Perrino, 40, drew suspicion during a meeting of Bayonet Point Oxygen employees when she mentioned the May 12, 2009, fire had started in a filing cabinet before workers had been informed of the fire's origins, the St. Petersburg Times reported Thursday.

Investigators said a friend of Perrino told them she had admitted to tripping the main circuit breaker and adjusting phones to block incoming calls in bids to go home early without sacrificing the day's pay.

Perrino was sentenced to 9 months imprisonment followed by 5 years of probation. She was also ordered to pay Bayonet Point Oxygen $4,800 in restitution and banned from contacting the company or its employees.

your guess is as good as mine

10 points to the person who can best explain what this cake is supposed to be...

what WOULD you do for a klondike bar?

from a REAL durham regional police neighbourhood watch release: 

Two suspects were quickly apprehended by responding officers after stealing ice cream products and threatening employees with weapons.

On Wednesday April 28, 2010 at approximately 11:05 p.m. uniformed patrol officers responded to the vicinity of a Sobey's grocery store at 1899 Brock Road in Pickering following a robbery incident. Employees observed two male suspects enter the store and begin stealing ice-cram products from the frozen section, placing numerous items into their backpack before fleeing the premises. The employees followed the suspects to the store exit and indicated they were calling police. One suspect produced a knife and threatened one of the employees and indicated he had a handgun before fleeing. None of the store employees were physically injured.

The suspects fled on foot into a residential neighbourhood where responding officers located the youths and arrested both, without incident. A quantity of ice cream treats were recovered from a backpack. Officers also recovered a knife and a pellet gun.

The first 17-year-old male from Pickering is charged with: Robbery and Breach Probation. The second 17-year-old male from Pickering is charged with: Robbery; Carry Concealed Weapon x2; Assault with a Weapon; Possession of Weapon for Dangerous Purpose; Fail to Comply and additional weapons-related offences. Their identities are protected under the Youth Criminal Justice Act.

congradulatonnes on winning the speilling bea!

to celabrate, we got you a cake:

so much fail...

kickintheheadcomic says:
Whenever a TV product commercial plays I bust a gut during the parts where they show us what we're doing wrong and why we need the product.

This is my tribute to the hilarious work the actors in these infomercials do.

idiot of the week

not to be confused with the darwin award candidate from yesterday, this guy doesn't necessarily deserve to be removed from the gene pool; this guy is just a idiot. but to his credit, he IS a pretty clever guy for being such a dumbass...

Burglary suspect got stuck in air duct

A would-be burglar was caught early Wednesday after he got stuck in the ventilation system of a Maryland convenience store, police said. 

Shane Morgan Hall, 21, of the first block of Mahogany Drive in North East, Md., told Cecil County sheriff's deputies he was playing hide and seek. 

Hall was arrested at 7:14 a.m. when deputies and firefighters answered a call about a man stuck in the ventilation system at the BP Station in the 2300 block of W. Pulaski Highway. 

Lt. Bernard Chiominto said when the owner arrived to open the store, he spotted a pair of feet dangling from the the duct. 

Deputies said Hall had removed the ventilation cover, crawled through the vent, got stuck and set off a fire extinguisher that sprayed powder all over the store, Chiominto said. 

Deputies freed Hall and took him to Union Hospital, where he was treated for minor injuries.

Hall, who allegedly gave police two false names, was charged with two counts of submitting false information to a police officer, and one count each of second- and fourth-degree burglary and malicious destruction of property. 

He also was wanted for failing to appear for a drug count. 

Hall told deputies he was playing hide and seek on the roof with some other adults and decided to hide in the ventilation system. 

When no one guessed where he was, the other players gave up looking, Hall told police.

Hall was being held in the Cecil County jail on $30,000 bail.

a darwin award candidate

Man injured after using propane tank for target practice 

LONDON, Ont. -- Police say a Shakespeare man was injured after a propane tank being used for target practice exploded.

Perth OPP were called to investigate the explosion after the man was taken to Stratford General Hospital Monday evening.

Police said two men in their mid-20s were at a residence northeast of Shakespeare when the tank exploded.

“They decided to take target practice and use a rifle to shoot at a propane cylinder,” said Const. Kees Wijnands.

“They took turns firing at the cylinder from a distance they thought was safe. After a number of shots, one of the rounds struck the tank, causing the cylinder to explode. Parts of the cylinder flew back, striking one of the males and injuring him.”

The man was treated and released at hospital.

The investigation is continuing.

oh is THAT what that is...

i'm not even going to tell you what it's supposed to be...
you can be curious and follow the link for yourself.

celebrity recognition fail

win or fail: you decide!

knowledge of volcanoes fail or sarcasm win?
the choice is up to you...Reduce Volcanoes!
They are causing global warming! We need to say no to volcanoes! Otherwise wildlife in the Arctic will be at risk!!

Icelandic volcanic ash cripples European airports

resignation in 3... 2...

not MY resignation...
i love my job just way too much to EVER consider quitting!

but this guy just keeps making *face palm* inducing missteps all over the dance floor.

Giambrone expensed cab ride for date
Took cab on the city's dime to fist date with Kristen Lucas

TTC chair Adam Giambrone took a cab to meet his lover-to-be last year, on the same date and time as a cab fare expensed to the city.

On Sunday, Jan. 4, 2009, Giambrone had a first date with university student Kristen Lucas, then 19, at the Drake Hotel, on Queen W., three blocks east of Dufferin. They met at the bar around 6:30 p.m., according to Lucas.

In expenses released Wednesday, Giambrone includes a $10 fare for “Ward visits” from Ossington and Bloor to Queen and Dufferin on that same Sunday at 6:30 p.m.

Lucas revealed her relationship with Giambrone — including sex on his City Hall office couch — to the Toronto Star in February. Public furor over his subsequent denials led to his decision to drop out of the mayoral race. He later admitted to relationships with multiple women and apologized to Sarah McQuarrie, whom he described as his longtime live-in girlfriend.

sheesh... this guy doesn't make it easy for himself to catch a break... at this point, i think it would be best for him to just go into hiding before the villagers break out the torches and pitchforks.

hip-hip-hypocrisy

TTC chair takes taxi home after taping show on a streetcar
Councillor Giambrone expensed more than $3,000 on cabs last year

TTC chair Adam Giambrone may champion public transit but has nothing against taxis, records of city councillors' 2009 office expenses show.

Giambrone expensed more than $3,000 in cabs last year, including a trip home after riding a streetcar to tape an episode of his Ride The Rocket TV show on a streetcar.

About $2,400 came from his office budget, with the rest being billed to the TTC.

Giambrone, who has a city-provided Metropass, also expensed $256 in tokens and weekly and monthly Metropasses for his staff, including $173.50 in July for "staff travel."

clearly, this guy just has too many problems that he can't keep personal to be in such a public station...

Giambrone dropped out of the [Toronto] mayoral race last month amid a sex scandle in which he lied [...] about his relationship with a university student. He has since been defending his chairmanship of the TTC.

you think you've got a lot going on???

they got more than smiles for free

idiot move of 2009

perhaps the inspiration for those awful-ass dentyne gum canadian face tattoo commercials?

this matthew kid went and got sunglasses (frame only, no eyeball tattoos here!) tattooed on his face! on his freaking face! and he had the decency to keep a photographic record of the event. gross!