all the single ladies, at least you're not this guy:
although, these girls come close...
but this guy has every beyonce impersonator beat! doin' it in the snow!
Friday, November 28, 2008
speaking of ass rings...
looks like someone spent their afternoon coffee break in the bathroom with joe...
a cuppa joe that is!
a cuppa joe that is! haha... lame.
ass ring alert!
you know what i'm talking about...
if not, you'll probably figure it out eventually - even a monkey can do it! are you stupider than a monkey? that's what i thought.
for that person in your life who you hardly ever see because they're ALWAYS in the bathroom, here's something you can give them that will ensure that you NEVER have to see them again... sudoku toilet paper! (pen/pencil not included...)
PS - don't forget to leave some to wipe with!
if not, you'll probably figure it out eventually - even a monkey can do it! are you stupider than a monkey? that's what i thought.
for that person in your life who you hardly ever see because they're ALWAYS in the bathroom, here's something you can give them that will ensure that you NEVER have to see them again... sudoku toilet paper! (pen/pencil not included...)
PS - don't forget to leave some to wipe with!
picture of the week - nov 28 08
shoppers camp out in front of best buy in cerritos, california in order to be first into the store when it opened at 5AM for black friday...
crazy bitches!
crazy bitches!
bitches, please!
(and that's a demeaning, disappointed 'bitches, please!'
not a happy, perky 'bitches, please!' not like i'm politely asking for bitches...)
so some of you expressed that the last brain teaser i posted was too easy and urged me to put up something harder... well herrrre you go, your majesty! something harder. wrap your brain around this!
here are the rules:
fill the grid so that every column, every row and every 3x3 box contains the digits 1 to 9. the digits within the cells joined by dotted lines add up to the printed top left-hand figure. within each 'shape', a digit CANNOT be repeated. good luck!
PS - congrats to laura who solved the last puzzle and to john who agreed with the answer... gold star for laura, green star for john.
not a happy, perky 'bitches, please!' not like i'm politely asking for bitches...)
so some of you expressed that the last brain teaser i posted was too easy and urged me to put up something harder... well herrrre you go, your majesty! something harder. wrap your brain around this!
here are the rules:
fill the grid so that every column, every row and every 3x3 box contains the digits 1 to 9. the digits within the cells joined by dotted lines add up to the printed top left-hand figure. within each 'shape', a digit CANNOT be repeated. good luck!
PS - congrats to laura who solved the last puzzle and to john who agreed with the answer... gold star for laura, green star for john.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
this really 'turns me on'
hahaha... lame.
but seriously, is this not one of the coolest lamps/lightbulbs you've ever seen? cooler than this?
but seriously, is this not one of the coolest lamps/lightbulbs you've ever seen? cooler than this? it's the Lamp/Lamp from HH Style. click the link to find out it's secret. i definitely need one.
remember that thing i said about me being crude?the japanese are kinky
riddle me this... why do the japanese need SO MANY endoscopes???
oh, inspection and maintenance or machines, engines, etc. you say?
well my friend, come join me in the gutter because that is SO not where my mind went... and there's the spark of understanding... oh yup, and there's the grimace of disgust. i'm crude. i'm sorry. deal with it.
ch-ch-check it out:
Flexible Endoscope Borescope 79" (2000mm) Cable
Obedient Endoscope Borescope 79" (2000mm) Cable
Handy Scope 353L Endoscope 22.5" (570mm) Cable
Flexible Video Endoscope Borescope - Ultra Thin 1.7mm Cable
Intraoral Camera Video Endoscope
and then there's the Ear Scope TV Fiber Optic Earwax Cleaner...
"[...] is also useful for looking inside ANY dark and tight space..."
and they were the ones that capitalized the word 'ANY'... not me.
veering away from endoscopes, we have this:
the Healing Hands Chiropractic Massager... and ol' gutter mind over here thought you sat on it... kinky, right? but you actually rest your head on it. whatev.
and then THEN we have the most blatantly kinky thing...
Adult Slime!
"And by 'adult' we just mean that the product is intended for grown-ups..."
riiight... i know what they really mean. ADULT slime... might me more gross than kinky... but whatever floats your boat, right? yeah... gross. how's about you and your slime go have a good time and don't tell me about it, k?
oh yeah... the best part about the slime is that it is scented! in 4 varieties! hot, relax, love, and elegance. yeah, adult slime - so very elegant. you know what else is elegant? it comes in a little plastic garbage pail! epitome of elegance.
this Japan Trend Shop is enough to keep me in wish list ideas until next september! holy crap do the japanese invent a lot of useless stuff! expect my next zillion posts to come directly from this site!
oh, inspection and maintenance or machines, engines, etc. you say?
well my friend, come join me in the gutter because that is SO not where my mind went... and there's the spark of understanding... oh yup, and there's the grimace of disgust. i'm crude. i'm sorry. deal with it.
ch-ch-check it out:
Flexible Endoscope Borescope 79" (2000mm) Cable
Obedient Endoscope Borescope 79" (2000mm) Cable
Handy Scope 353L Endoscope 22.5" (570mm) Cable
Flexible Video Endoscope Borescope - Ultra Thin 1.7mm Cable
Intraoral Camera Video Endoscope
and then there's the Ear Scope TV Fiber Optic Earwax Cleaner...
"[...] is also useful for looking inside ANY dark and tight space..."
and they were the ones that capitalized the word 'ANY'... not me.
veering away from endoscopes, we have this:
the Healing Hands Chiropractic Massager... and ol' gutter mind over here thought you sat on it... kinky, right? but you actually rest your head on it. whatev.and then THEN we have the most blatantly kinky thing...
Adult Slime!
"And by 'adult' we just mean that the product is intended for grown-ups..."
riiight... i know what they really mean. ADULT slime... might me more gross than kinky... but whatever floats your boat, right? yeah... gross. how's about you and your slime go have a good time and don't tell me about it, k?
oh yeah... the best part about the slime is that it is scented! in 4 varieties! hot, relax, love, and elegance. yeah, adult slime - so very elegant. you know what else is elegant? it comes in a little plastic garbage pail! epitome of elegance.
this Japan Trend Shop is enough to keep me in wish list ideas until next september! holy crap do the japanese invent a lot of useless stuff! expect my next zillion posts to come directly from this site!
word of the day - nov 27 08
profess
verb (used with object)
1. to lay claim to, often insincerely; pretend to: He professed extreme regret.
2. to declare openly; announce or affirm; avow or acknowledge: to profess one's satisfaction.
3. to affirm faith in or allegiance to (a religion, God, etc.).
4. to declare oneself skilled or expert in; claim to have knowledge of; make (a thing) one's profession or business.
5. to teach as a professor: She professes comparative literature.
6. to recieve or admit into religious order.
verb (used without object)
7. to make a profession, avowal, or declaration.
8. to take the vows of a religious order.
verb (used with object)
1. to lay claim to, often insincerely; pretend to: He professed extreme regret.
2. to declare openly; announce or affirm; avow or acknowledge: to profess one's satisfaction.
3. to affirm faith in or allegiance to (a religion, God, etc.).
4. to declare oneself skilled or expert in; claim to have knowledge of; make (a thing) one's profession or business.
5. to teach as a professor: She professes comparative literature.
6. to recieve or admit into religious order.
verb (used without object)
7. to make a profession, avowal, or declaration.
8. to take the vows of a religious order.
more bacon!
bacon, you complete me. you had me at hello.
and if your thirst for bacon wasn't satisfied by this, this or THIS then boy-oh-boy, do i have something for you... ok, so maybe it's not as exciting as i'm making it out to be... but maybe that's because you're not actually the bacon lover you professed to be. shame, shame on you for lying. lies make baby jesus cry. well actually, crying babies are fine... just so long as i don't have to soothe them. so go ahead, lie about your bacon lust! see if i care!
ANYway... for the bacon-oholic on your christmas list...
the bacon ipod holder!
and if your thirst for bacon wasn't satisfied by this, this or THIS then boy-oh-boy, do i have something for you... ok, so maybe it's not as exciting as i'm making it out to be... but maybe that's because you're not actually the bacon lover you professed to be. shame, shame on you for lying. lies make baby jesus cry. well actually, crying babies are fine... just so long as i don't have to soothe them. so go ahead, lie about your bacon lust! see if i care!
ANYway... for the bacon-oholic on your christmas list...
the bacon ipod holder!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
rubber ducky, you're the one!
you make bathtime so much fun!rubber ducky, i'm awfully fond of you!
vo-vo-dee-o!
rubber ducky, joy of joys,
when i squeeze you, you make noise!
rubber ducky, you're my very best friend it's true!
oh, every day when i make my way to the tubby
i find a little fellow who's cute and yellow and chubby!
rub-a-dub-dubby!
ah... memories!
"Rubber Duckies to Help Track Speed of Melting Glaciers"
a rubber ducky for christmas is nice... a rubber ducky that's been on the ultimate greenland water slide is even better! get me one?
those crazy brits...
i only hit up the Daily Mail's Mail Online once in awhile but i think that's because my brain is a sieve, a sieve with holes so big all the pasta slips out. but every time i make my way over there, i can't help wonder why i'm not there ALL THE TIME! how come their news is always so much more absurd?!? absurd and crazy... and scary!
for example... the following headlines seem about normal.
"Father 'killed in samurai sword attack after neighbours clashed over child's football'"
Neighbour Gary Kelly, who had been drinking, came out of his house in Mitcham, south London, and threatened Mr Martin with a beer bottle, it was alleged.
Kelly, who was nothing to do with the boys, had called out: 'What you doing touching kids for?'
Mr Martin had called back: 'What you doing, you wife beater?'
Mr Martin returned home nearby in an angry mood, said Mr Brown.
He took a piece of wood used as a parrot perch and headed back to Kelly's home. Kelly emerged with the sword and part of a snooker cue which he used to attack Mr Martin in the front garden, said Mr Brown.
what? WHAT?!? craziness...
i enjoy the very trailer trash slinging of insults... shame someone died or else it would be entirely comical! not comical like an SNL skit, more comical like a MadTV skit.
here's another:
"Boy, 13, beat man to death and threw hom on a bonfire after catalogue of care failings"
but no matter at what crazy news items the daily mail throws my way, they'll never be my number 1 source for posts... because i will never, NEVER, never ever for give them for this.
for example... the following headlines seem about normal.
"Father 'killed in samurai sword attack after neighbours clashed over child's football'"
Neighbour Gary Kelly, who had been drinking, came out of his house in Mitcham, south London, and threatened Mr Martin with a beer bottle, it was alleged.
Kelly, who was nothing to do with the boys, had called out: 'What you doing touching kids for?'
Mr Martin had called back: 'What you doing, you wife beater?'
Mr Martin returned home nearby in an angry mood, said Mr Brown.
He took a piece of wood used as a parrot perch and headed back to Kelly's home. Kelly emerged with the sword and part of a snooker cue which he used to attack Mr Martin in the front garden, said Mr Brown.
what? WHAT?!? craziness...
i enjoy the very trailer trash slinging of insults... shame someone died or else it would be entirely comical! not comical like an SNL skit, more comical like a MadTV skit.
here's another:
"Boy, 13, beat man to death and threw hom on a bonfire after catalogue of care failings"
but no matter at what crazy news items the daily mail throws my way, they'll never be my number 1 source for posts... because i will never, NEVER, never ever for give them for this.
i smell... burning?
put out the fire!
you should know better! when you work those brain cells too hard, they short circuit and where there's smoke...
have the fire exgstinguisher on hand when you attempt to solve this math-y puzzle... put the floating digits in the empty boxes to make the equation work.
you should know better! when you work those brain cells too hard, they short circuit and where there's smoke...
have the fire exgstinguisher on hand when you attempt to solve this math-y puzzle... put the floating digits in the empty boxes to make the equation work.
word of the day - nov 26 08
emollient
adjective
1. softening or soothing.
2. something that softens or soothes.
adjective
1. softening or soothing.
2. something that softens or soothes.
craziest f*cking bird costume of the day
umm... i'm going to let the title speak for itself on this one.
[source]
[source]Tuesday, November 25, 2008
giving me ideas...
so if you didn't hear, ashleeeeee simpson finally popped out her baby this week after being pregnant for an unprecidented 18 months. and to show the child just how miserable her life was during eons of gestation, out of spite, she named it bronx mowgli... yeah, mowgli. like from the jungle book. if that's not an excuse to wear a loincloth diaper for the rest of your life then i don't know what is. oh yeah, and that makes the kid's initials BMW... fan-freaking-tastic.
so for shits and giggles, i proudly (?) present to you...
The Simpson-Wentz Baby Name Generator!!!
after using many permutations of my names (first, middle, and last) i finally decided to go with the name brooklyn cruella... what name did you end up with?
PS - on the bright side, zuma nesta rock rossdale can finally stop worrying that he has the stupidest name in hollywood...
so for shits and giggles, i proudly (?) present to you...
The Simpson-Wentz Baby Name Generator!!!
after using many permutations of my names (first, middle, and last) i finally decided to go with the name brooklyn cruella... what name did you end up with?
PS - on the bright side, zuma nesta rock rossdale can finally stop worrying that he has the stupidest name in hollywood...
gifts worth giving...
ok, this might be sappy and lame and good for your soul but that doesn't always mean it won't get featured on this blog...canoe.ca put out a special gift guide for christmas entitled "Gifts that give back" and it took a lot of will power, not to mention some mystical monkey magic, for my not to go and buy something from each of the 10 ideas mentioned. i limited myself to 3 thank you very much!
before running off to the mall and doing battle with angry christmas bitches, you should totally take a look at this list. no, really - go do it! like, now!
why don't women need watches???
because there's a clock on the stove! HA!
but seriously... that last post about the 'reborn' dolls got me thinking about those god-awful baby alive dolls.
this is the 'hispantic' version... i'm going to name her guadalupe! because of my love and affection, guadalupe will grow up to be a high-power lawyer with attitude! there's also the african american baby who i'll name kendra and who grows up and runs her local YMCA and is all about the community. and finally there's the 'traditional' caucasian baby who's name will be cindy and she'll grow up to be a tired stripper with no tread left on the tires if you know what i mean...
what? no chinese baby? no indian baby? i guess hasbro figures those minority groups don't need mommy training?
what they say:
Originally introduced in 1973, the much-loved BABY ALIVE doll is back to play with a whole new generation of little girls.
She still "eats" and "poops", and now she's more “life-like” than ever. Best of all, your little girl is sure to love playing "mommy” to this special doll as much as you did years ago.
what i say:
women's rights? gender equality? chuck 'em all in the trash bin. women belong barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen! having little girls growing up playing "mommy" or playing "house" is the sneakiest way ever to keep olden times mentalities from ever going away. and also, are those dolls creepy or what???
but seriously... that last post about the 'reborn' dolls got me thinking about those god-awful baby alive dolls.
this is the 'hispantic' version... i'm going to name her guadalupe! because of my love and affection, guadalupe will grow up to be a high-power lawyer with attitude! there's also the african american baby who i'll name kendra and who grows up and runs her local YMCA and is all about the community. and finally there's the 'traditional' caucasian baby who's name will be cindy and she'll grow up to be a tired stripper with no tread left on the tires if you know what i mean...what? no chinese baby? no indian baby? i guess hasbro figures those minority groups don't need mommy training?
what they say:
Originally introduced in 1973, the much-loved BABY ALIVE doll is back to play with a whole new generation of little girls.
She still "eats" and "poops", and now she's more “life-like” than ever. Best of all, your little girl is sure to love playing "mommy” to this special doll as much as you did years ago.
what i say:
women's rights? gender equality? chuck 'em all in the trash bin. women belong barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen! having little girls growing up playing "mommy" or playing "house" is the sneakiest way ever to keep olden times mentalities from ever going away. and also, are those dolls creepy or what???
babes in toyland
only 2 babies in the following picture are real... which do you think? i don't actually have the answer so might have to puzzle over it for the rest of eternity!!!
"Are these baby dolls cute or creepy?"
Mississauga artist works tediously on each feature of her 'reborns.' Some people go gaga to buy one...and others just give 'dirty looks'
"Are these baby dolls cute or creepy?"Mississauga artist works tediously on each feature of her 'reborns.' Some people go gaga to buy one...and others just give 'dirty looks'
word of the day - nov 25 08
reprobate
noun, adjective
1. a very wicked, unprincipled person; scoundrel.
2. very wicked; unprincipled.
3. to disapprove; condemn, censure.
4. a person predestined to damnation, rejected by god.
5. rejected by god; damned.
6. to reject from salvation predestine to eternal punishment.
noun, adjective
1. a very wicked, unprincipled person; scoundrel.
2. very wicked; unprincipled.
3. to disapprove; condemn, censure.
4. a person predestined to damnation, rejected by god.
5. rejected by god; damned.
6. to reject from salvation predestine to eternal punishment.
Monday, November 24, 2008
sophisticated pallets only
so if you thought this was enough to make you wretch, you might want to mosey on past this post...
some one's in the kitchen with dinah,
some one's in the kitchen i kno-o-o-o-w...
some one's in the kitchen with dinah,
strummin' on the ol' banjo...
banjo is definitely a euphemism.
a euphemism for penis!
strumming it for ingredients!
HA!
presenting the Natural Harvest cookbook!
the little description starts like this:
Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties.
and i'm going to stop it right there! that's quite enough. i may or may not have tossed my cookies already. if you want to read MORE or are interested in purchasing the book, you can meander on over the product page.
sorry about the crudeness up there at the beginning but i just couldn't help myself! i'm sick. i need help. you love it! oh yeah, and if you ever, EVER get this for me as a present (christmas or otherwise) i will be at the nearest sperm bank faster than you can say 'tasty testes' so that i may cook for you all the recipes in that book and shovel every last drop of it in your mouth while you're tied to a chair.
some one's in the kitchen with dinah,
some one's in the kitchen i kno-o-o-o-w...
some one's in the kitchen with dinah,
strummin' on the ol' banjo...
banjo is definitely a euphemism.
a euphemism for penis!
strumming it for ingredients!
HA!
presenting the Natural Harvest cookbook!the little description starts like this:
Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties.
and i'm going to stop it right there! that's quite enough. i may or may not have tossed my cookies already. if you want to read MORE or are interested in purchasing the book, you can meander on over the product page.
sorry about the crudeness up there at the beginning but i just couldn't help myself! i'm sick. i need help. you love it! oh yeah, and if you ever, EVER get this for me as a present (christmas or otherwise) i will be at the nearest sperm bank faster than you can say 'tasty testes' so that i may cook for you all the recipes in that book and shovel every last drop of it in your mouth while you're tied to a chair.
simmer and serve
what a goddamn horrible day it is today...
i got up this morning and it was still dark AND it was no longer the weekend. then the sun didn't manage to show its face on the commute. a job i'd been given to do at my leisure is suddenly needed for an important meeting with management tomorrow morning. all my my lottery tickets were essentially duds. and now, now it's snowing sideways.
happy fucking monday.
i got up this morning and it was still dark AND it was no longer the weekend. then the sun didn't manage to show its face on the commute. a job i'd been given to do at my leisure is suddenly needed for an important meeting with management tomorrow morning. all my my lottery tickets were essentially duds. and now, now it's snowing sideways.
happy fucking monday.
word of the day - nov 24 08
foment
transitive verb
1. to nurse to life or activity; to incite; to abet; to instigate; -- often in a bad sense.
2. fomentation; the act of fomenting.
3. state of excitation.
transitive verb
1. to nurse to life or activity; to incite; to abet; to instigate; -- often in a bad sense.
2. fomentation; the act of fomenting.
3. state of excitation.
mmm... cheesy!
am i allowed to say i'm not terribly fond of most chinese people? it's alright because i'm (partially) chinese, right? it's just that they can be so... irritating? i really don't know what it is... it's just... i don't know. they inspire a feeling of 'enh' in me. so you can imagine how i might feel after seeing this:
audible eye roll followed by an obligatory groan...
although, i think any sign with a similar slogan would have elicited a similar response. phonetics puns are SO last season.
i await your scolding for being so racist or something like that...
audible eye roll followed by an obligatory groan...although, i think any sign with a similar slogan would have elicited a similar response. phonetics puns are SO last season.
i await your scolding for being so racist or something like that...
sir mix-a-lot would definitely approve
i like big butts and i cannot lie...
you other brothers can't deny...
BABY GOT BACK!
ok, i knew under garments such as these existed but i'd never ever seen them before! i can die a complete and happy person now that i've touched butt panties. and bless my sister for wanting to know, "where'd you find such a big bra???"
you other brothers can't deny...
BABY GOT BACK!
ok, i knew under garments such as these existed but i'd never ever seen them before! i can die a complete and happy person now that i've touched butt panties. and bless my sister for wanting to know, "where'd you find such a big bra???"
Friday, November 21, 2008
TGIF
that's all for today peeps...
i'm out. i'm off. i'm awesome!
(however, i suspect i'll be less awesome come monday... inevitable.)
over the weekend, i'll be reconsidering my current occupation and possibly becoming a full-time spider drawer - that's where the money's at, yo. peace out.
i'm out. i'm off. i'm awesome!
(however, i suspect i'll be less awesome come monday... inevitable.)
over the weekend, i'll be reconsidering my current occupation and possibly becoming a full-time spider drawer - that's where the money's at, yo. peace out.
may the food be with you
this christmas, combine your love of cooking with you love of all things geek-tastic... presenting the Star Wars Cookbook Volume I and the Star Wars Cookbook Volume II! 
alternatively, if you have no love for anything geek-tastic, this could be an acceptable compromise gift for that certain special someone who loves to to cook AND loves geekery but you can't bring yourself to actually buy them what their geeky heart desires. just make it clear that you will NOT be dressing up as princess leia to dine with him on protocol droid pasta...
ANYWAY...
the books feature recipes for such things as 'Hoth Chocolate', 'Tusken Raider Taters', 'Wampa Snow Cones', 'Amidala Challah', 'Watto-melon Cubes' and much, much more.
surprise your (imaginary) friends at your next star wars party by making and bringing along any of these geeky, geeky treats!
alternatively, if you have no love for anything geek-tastic, this could be an acceptable compromise gift for that certain special someone who loves to to cook AND loves geekery but you can't bring yourself to actually buy them what their geeky heart desires. just make it clear that you will NOT be dressing up as princess leia to dine with him on protocol droid pasta...ANYWAY...
the books feature recipes for such things as 'Hoth Chocolate', 'Tusken Raider Taters', 'Wampa Snow Cones', 'Amidala Challah', 'Watto-melon Cubes' and much, much more.
surprise your (imaginary) friends at your next star wars party by making and bringing along any of these geeky, geeky treats!
word of the day - nov 21 08
ensconced
adjective
1. sheltered comfortably and firmly.
2. sheltered safely; hidden.
adjective
1. sheltered comfortably and firmly.
2. sheltered safely; hidden.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
them's fightin' words
all i want for christmas is...
YOUR 2 front teeth!
yes, that's right. yours.
hand them over now or i'll take them when you're unconscious.
yup, i'm in that kind of mood today.
not even my 1000th post could put a shine on this day.
i'm going home now... your teeth had better be in the mail.
YOUR 2 front teeth!
yes, that's right. yours.
hand them over now or i'll take them when you're unconscious.
yup, i'm in that kind of mood today.
not even my 1000th post could put a shine on this day.
i'm going home now... your teeth had better be in the mail.
and the award goes to...
for outstanding performance in a boredom-relieving role...THE PLACE WITH THE STUFF
being specially recognized for the achievement of 1000 posts!
of course, the judges (me, myself, and i) might be a bit biased but that's not the point! in the immortal words of Maximus Decimus Meridius, "Are you not entertained???" if not, you can stuff it.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
times are tight...
"Blind woman, 74, threatened over 1-cent bill"
A 74-year-old blind woman was shocked when her daughter found a letter for the city of Attleboro in Massachusetts saying a lien would be placed on her home unless she paid an overdue water bill.
the financial markets are in recession so the man is calling in all your debts. every penny counts! but the man ain't so smart sometimes... the stamp to send the letter cost 42 cents!
the most amusing part about all this is that it probably wouldn't even be news if she weren't blind... these 'human interest' stories are all about pity.
A 74-year-old blind woman was shocked when her daughter found a letter for the city of Attleboro in Massachusetts saying a lien would be placed on her home unless she paid an overdue water bill.
the financial markets are in recession so the man is calling in all your debts. every penny counts! but the man ain't so smart sometimes... the stamp to send the letter cost 42 cents!
the most amusing part about all this is that it probably wouldn't even be news if she weren't blind... these 'human interest' stories are all about pity.
new pet
i want a gremlin for christmas. a mogwai of my very own to love and take care of!
no toy gremlins; i want the real thing!
no furbies either; i already have one, thanks.
i won't even accept a real live furby.
i want a gremlin! (no evil gremlins need apply. must be gizmo-ish in temperament and affection.)
i promise to feed it every night before i go to bed (generally after midnight), take it for nice, long walks in the sunshine, bathe it regularly!
(PS - hank, i love you! i would NEVER get another pet without you permission.)
no toy gremlins; i want the real thing!no furbies either; i already have one, thanks.
i won't even accept a real live furby.
i want a gremlin! (no evil gremlins need apply. must be gizmo-ish in temperament and affection.)
i promise to feed it every night before i go to bed (generally after midnight), take it for nice, long walks in the sunshine, bathe it regularly!
(PS - hank, i love you! i would NEVER get another pet without you permission.)
did i miss the memo?
ok, more than half of my office is out right at this moment... no, it's not because it's lunch time - these workaholics NEVER leave their desks. they may not even go home at night. is there something i'm missing? like is there an unofficial holiday today? bubonic plague in the ventilation system that someone forgot to mention? what's the deal? i feel like the ultimate chump, sitting here (sort of) doing work...
word of the day - nov 19 08
adduce
verb
to offer as a reason in support of an argument; bring up as an axample; give proof or evidence; cite.
verb
to offer as a reason in support of an argument; bring up as an axample; give proof or evidence; cite.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
31 flavours +1
not so crazy about the bacon tuxedo?
but you still want bacon in your life?
here's an alternative that's a little more low-key...
renowned pastry chef david lebovitz (don't worry, i didn't know who he was until just now either) has come up with a recipe for candied bacon ice cream...
i have yet to decide whether this is brilliance or madness... but i am probably to lazy (and scared) to try out the recipe to get a sound judgement. but according to the guy's website, this kind of messed up shit is all the rage in ol' paree... all hoity-toity and fancy-schmancy. chocolate chip? that's too everyday-people... give me bacon instead!
this reminds me of the time an acquaintance of mine adamantly demanded that the poor teenager working the counter at the walmart mcdonalds (this story is so deliciously white trash) take his mcflurry and 'make it bacon!' (look it up - it's totally on the menu... or at least it used to be. PS - it's also the cheapest thing on the menu!) and then the entire staff and everyone in the restaurant watched as he ate it. adding to the inane-ness of the evening - upon leaving, we went through the drive-thru and ordered just 'make it bacon'... the drive-thru attendant argued that it wasn't actually a menu item; it is meant as an add-on to say a burger. but then hey, why is it on the menu? isn't the customer always right? can i have a bag of 'free smiles' with my order? we ended up with a big mac box with 9 pieces of bacon. neat story, eh?
but you still want bacon in your life?
here's an alternative that's a little more low-key...
renowned pastry chef david lebovitz (don't worry, i didn't know who he was until just now either) has come up with a recipe for candied bacon ice cream...
i have yet to decide whether this is brilliance or madness... but i am probably to lazy (and scared) to try out the recipe to get a sound judgement. but according to the guy's website, this kind of messed up shit is all the rage in ol' paree... all hoity-toity and fancy-schmancy. chocolate chip? that's too everyday-people... give me bacon instead!this reminds me of the time an acquaintance of mine adamantly demanded that the poor teenager working the counter at the walmart mcdonalds (this story is so deliciously white trash) take his mcflurry and 'make it bacon!' (look it up - it's totally on the menu... or at least it used to be. PS - it's also the cheapest thing on the menu!) and then the entire staff and everyone in the restaurant watched as he ate it. adding to the inane-ness of the evening - upon leaving, we went through the drive-thru and ordered just 'make it bacon'... the drive-thru attendant argued that it wasn't actually a menu item; it is meant as an add-on to say a burger. but then hey, why is it on the menu? isn't the customer always right? can i have a bag of 'free smiles' with my order? we ended up with a big mac box with 9 pieces of bacon. neat story, eh?
thinking ahead
which one of you was it?
who went out and bought my christmas present early? before it even ended up on my wish list??? how sneaky! you know me so well... i hope you wrap it up with a giant, sparkly bow!
"Old Vampire-Killing Kit Sells For a Small Fortune"
An authentic vampire-killing kit for the 1800's recently sold at auction for nearly $15,000 to a pale man in a black cape.
hmm... pale? black cape? who could it be? or maybe you were really sneaky and sent someone to buy it for you to throw me off track! just tell me - i promise to act surprised. alternatively, you could just give it to me now... i might need it before christmas...
who went out and bought my christmas present early? before it even ended up on my wish list??? how sneaky! you know me so well... i hope you wrap it up with a giant, sparkly bow!
"Old Vampire-Killing Kit Sells For a Small Fortune"
An authentic vampire-killing kit for the 1800's recently sold at auction for nearly $15,000 to a pale man in a black cape.
hmm... pale? black cape? who could it be? or maybe you were really sneaky and sent someone to buy it for you to throw me off track! just tell me - i promise to act surprised. alternatively, you could just give it to me now... i might need it before christmas...
word of the day - nov 18 08
affectation
noun
1. an artificial way of talking or behaving put on to impress others; pretense.
2. and unnatural action, expression, or trait that indicates artificiality.
noun
1. an artificial way of talking or behaving put on to impress others; pretense.
2. and unnatural action, expression, or trait that indicates artificiality.
Monday, November 17, 2008
word of the day - nov. 17 08
frowzy
adjective
1. dirty and untidy; slovenly.
2. smelling bad; musty.
definitely inserting this word into my everyday vocabulary...
adjective
1. dirty and untidy; slovenly.
2. smelling bad; musty.
definitely inserting this word into my everyday vocabulary...
fighting crime in a future time
remember the cartoon C.O.P.S.??? C.O.P.S., short for central organization of police specialists! it's crime fighting time!!!
with names like Baldwin P. 'Bulletproof' Vess (hahaha... kind of like bulletproof vest?), P.J. 'Longarm' O'Malley, Donny 'Hardtop' Brooks, Brandon 'Big Boss' Babel, and Dr. Badvibes, how could you possibly forget this show??
now i was almost completely sure there was a character with a steel/mechanical jaw and i would imagine he'd be named something like Freddy 'Lockjaw' Martinez... but apparently that character was made up in my mind because no such character exists in the cast listing. maybe it's from another show? if you have any idea what you think i'm talking about, please, let me know! otherwise it might make me a little crazier trying to figure it out.
anyway... long story slightly less long, i was going to make a clever remark about said possibly imaginary cartoon character and this:
what is it you might ask?
well it's Nitto Kagaku's Kami Kami Sensor!
a who's what???
it's a device that counts the number of bites you take while eating... a mouth pedometer if you will. it reminds you to chew your food thoroughly so you don't choke! or something... it even beeps after every 30 or 1000 bites taken!
OCD? too lazy to actually count your bites to make sure you've chewed each bite exactly pi times? well then this device might be for you! only $188.95!!! order now!
with names like Baldwin P. 'Bulletproof' Vess (hahaha... kind of like bulletproof vest?), P.J. 'Longarm' O'Malley, Donny 'Hardtop' Brooks, Brandon 'Big Boss' Babel, and Dr. Badvibes, how could you possibly forget this show??
now i was almost completely sure there was a character with a steel/mechanical jaw and i would imagine he'd be named something like Freddy 'Lockjaw' Martinez... but apparently that character was made up in my mind because no such character exists in the cast listing. maybe it's from another show? if you have any idea what you think i'm talking about, please, let me know! otherwise it might make me a little crazier trying to figure it out.anyway... long story slightly less long, i was going to make a clever remark about said possibly imaginary cartoon character and this:
what is it you might ask?well it's Nitto Kagaku's Kami Kami Sensor!
a who's what???
it's a device that counts the number of bites you take while eating... a mouth pedometer if you will. it reminds you to chew your food thoroughly so you don't choke! or something... it even beeps after every 30 or 1000 bites taken!
OCD? too lazy to actually count your bites to make sure you've chewed each bite exactly pi times? well then this device might be for you! only $188.95!!! order now!
it's all greek to me
here's the solution to last week's wordy puzzle "breaking the language barrier"
1) the idiot divides your that money directly.
translation --> a fool and his money are soon parted.
2) you are unable to judge the registration by its cover.
translation --> you cannot judge a book by its cover.
3) as for absence compared to you make the centre be brought up to the favourite.
translation --> absence makes the heart grow fonder.
4) all these radiate are not golden.
translation --> all that glitters is not gold.
1) the idiot divides your that money directly.
translation --> a fool and his money are soon parted.
2) you are unable to judge the registration by its cover.
translation --> you cannot judge a book by its cover.
3) as for absence compared to you make the centre be brought up to the favourite.
translation --> absence makes the heart grow fonder.
4) all these radiate are not golden.
translation --> all that glitters is not gold.
dive right in...
swimming, swimming,
in my swimming pool...
when days are hot,
when days are cold
in my swimming pool!
breaststroke, sidestroke,
fancy diving too!
oh don't you wih you never had
anything else to do!
enough nostalgia for now... getting on with the real point at hand...
5 gold stars for whoever can guess where this pristene swimmin' hole is located.
(hint: it's not really for swimming...)
in my swimming pool...
when days are hot,
when days are cold
in my swimming pool!
breaststroke, sidestroke,
fancy diving too!
oh don't you wih you never had
anything else to do!
enough nostalgia for now... getting on with the real point at hand...
5 gold stars for whoever can guess where this pristene swimmin' hole is located.
(hint: it's not really for swimming...)
Friday, November 14, 2008
very aPEELing?
now i know i've had lame blog post titles before but this one takes the cake!
aPEELing?
it's about bananas! and the peeling of bananas!
but not REAL bananas!
ever feel like peeling a banana but don't have the motivation to actually eat it afterwards? yeah, that happens to me ALL the time! (sidebar: actually, i think peeling bananas is the worst part... if you mush up the end too much, you'll never be able to open your banana without turning it into puree. this is why i prefer bananas that are just shy of ripe. that and they taste better than the banana compost you get otherwise.) well worry no longer! you shant have to waste a banana to get you banana-peeling giddies any longer! japanese useless gadget creaters have come up with The Dazzling Banana!!!
aPEELing?
it's about bananas! and the peeling of bananas!
but not REAL bananas!
ever feel like peeling a banana but don't have the motivation to actually eat it afterwards? yeah, that happens to me ALL the time! (sidebar: actually, i think peeling bananas is the worst part... if you mush up the end too much, you'll never be able to open your banana without turning it into puree. this is why i prefer bananas that are just shy of ripe. that and they taste better than the banana compost you get otherwise.) well worry no longer! you shant have to waste a banana to get you banana-peeling giddies any longer! japanese useless gadget creaters have come up with The Dazzling Banana!!!
even has sound effects! oh man... could you imagine if it was scented too?!? can you imagine the lawsuits from all the people who almost choked on that thing because they mistook it for a REAL bananananananana???
now, for those of you with an aversion to bananas, you can still get your fake food unwrapping jollies! introducing the Puni Puni Edamame keychain!
the satisfaction of de-podding edamame without the trouble of boiling beans in salt for never ending minutes or the hassle of climbing you lazy ass into you car and driving to the nearest japanese resturaunt!
and bonus! this edamame awesomeness will make you cry noodles!
word of the day - nov 14 08
frangible
adjective
capable of being broken; brittle; fragile; easily broken.
adjective
capable of being broken; brittle; fragile; easily broken.
brow beater - the conclusion
so did you fry your brain sufficiently on the brow beater puzzle from monday?? or were you a super smarty pants (LAURA!) and you solved it immediately?? either way, here's the sloution in case you were stuck or interested or whatever...
Thursday, November 13, 2008
mmm... mystery meat
for get you magic bullet! you're SO last year quick-n-easy convection oven! jack lalanne, your power juicer blows! showtime rotisserie? set you and forget you!
the hot dog rotisserie is the shit when it comes to useless kitchen gadgets!
what they say:
Enjoy the great taste of Cinema style hot dogs at home with the Giles and Posner Hot dog Rotisserie; Now there is no need to brave the cold or put up with unwanted expense for the cinema or stadium experience.
The Hot Dog Rotisserie’s non-stick rollers cook evenly, to deliver perfect hot dogs and two bread heaters ensure your bread buns are toasty hot. It even includes a removable drip tray which drains away fat leaving your hot dogs succulent, without being greasy.
If you're not ready for your hot dogs yet, simply set the heater to keep the hot dogs warm. Yum!
hot damn! i can't wait for this to clutter up my kitchen counter and eventually be sold for $2 at a garage sale! awesomeness! excuse me, i really need to go have a hot dog now... but just a lame microwaved one. why would i wait 10-15 minutes for a rotisserie hot dog when i can have it, exploded at both ends, in 30 seconds using dazzling micro waves??? that's what i thought.
PS - magic bullet, i totally apologize! i will always love you!
the hot dog rotisserie is the shit when it comes to useless kitchen gadgets!
what they say:Enjoy the great taste of Cinema style hot dogs at home with the Giles and Posner Hot dog Rotisserie; Now there is no need to brave the cold or put up with unwanted expense for the cinema or stadium experience.
The Hot Dog Rotisserie’s non-stick rollers cook evenly, to deliver perfect hot dogs and two bread heaters ensure your bread buns are toasty hot. It even includes a removable drip tray which drains away fat leaving your hot dogs succulent, without being greasy.
If you're not ready for your hot dogs yet, simply set the heater to keep the hot dogs warm. Yum!
hot damn! i can't wait for this to clutter up my kitchen counter and eventually be sold for $2 at a garage sale! awesomeness! excuse me, i really need to go have a hot dog now... but just a lame microwaved one. why would i wait 10-15 minutes for a rotisserie hot dog when i can have it, exploded at both ends, in 30 seconds using dazzling micro waves??? that's what i thought.
PS - magic bullet, i totally apologize! i will always love you!
holy outrageous claim batman!
"Christopher Nolan being sued by Batman"The mayor of the city of Batman, Turkey, i suing the director and studio
batman? batshit insane? this ties together very nicely!
the asshat mayor of batman in turkey wants to sue director christopher nolan and warner bros. for using the city's name without permission and he wants the cash! $100 million or he blows up the world market! oh wait! maybe he should have wiated until the cheque cleared before flushing that toilet... NO! he wants royalties from the box-office blockbuster.
“There is only one Batman in the world,” Kalkan said. “The American producers used the name of our city without informing us.”
Kalkan claims he has evidence, which will show the city of Batman was founded before the 1939 debut of Bob Kane’s DC Comics superhero by the same name.
this guy's town isn't even really called "batman"!!! it's short form, slang! batman - short for Bati Raman Mountains!! geezes...
word of the day - nov 13 08
enervate
transitive verb
1. to deprive of vigor, force, or strength; to render feeble; to weaken.
2. to reduce the moral or mental vigor of.
transitive verb
1. to deprive of vigor, force, or strength; to render feeble; to weaken.
2. to reduce the moral or mental vigor of.
a challenge is a challenge...
"Pastor issues 7-day sex challenge"
The pastor of a megachurch says he will challenge married congregants during his sermon Sunday to have sex for seven straight days - and he plans to practise what he preaches.
"We're going to give it a try," said Rev. Ed Young, who has four children with his wife of 26 years.
Young, 47, said he believes society promotes promiscuity and he wants to reclaim sex for married couples. Sex should be a nurturing, spiritual act that strengthens marriages, he said.
"God says sex should be between a married man and a woman," Young said. "I think it's one of the greatest things you can do for your kids because so goes the marriage, so goes the family."
Young said he will deliver his seven-day sex challenge while sitting on a bed in front of his Dallas-area church campus.
He is founder of the nondenominational Fellowship Church, which draws about 20,000 people each Sunday and also has campuses in Fort Worth, Plano and Miami.
Earlier this year, a southwest Florida pastor, perhaps having more faith in his congregants' stamina, issued a 30-day sex challenge.
even though the challenge is only supposed to be for married couples, i want in on this action too! literally!
and i know it's just semantics (or is it?!?) but i just want to point out this little part: "God says sex should be between a married man and a woman." a woman, like any woman? not necessarily his wife? so married men live the sweet life, getting to have sex with women, all sorts of women. if god wanted to be a little clearer on the issue, he'd have said something more like, "Sex should be between a married man and his wife." the other way, it's like marriage is a free ride to all the sex you can get!
also, all this married people sex would be blasphemous in some religious sectors... all that sex? for fun? no babies? no ifs, ands, or buts - sex only for reproduction. shame on him for wanting his congregation to enjoy their married selves. that's no way to get into heaven!
The pastor of a megachurch says he will challenge married congregants during his sermon Sunday to have sex for seven straight days - and he plans to practise what he preaches.
"We're going to give it a try," said Rev. Ed Young, who has four children with his wife of 26 years.
Young, 47, said he believes society promotes promiscuity and he wants to reclaim sex for married couples. Sex should be a nurturing, spiritual act that strengthens marriages, he said.
"God says sex should be between a married man and a woman," Young said. "I think it's one of the greatest things you can do for your kids because so goes the marriage, so goes the family."
Young said he will deliver his seven-day sex challenge while sitting on a bed in front of his Dallas-area church campus.
He is founder of the nondenominational Fellowship Church, which draws about 20,000 people each Sunday and also has campuses in Fort Worth, Plano and Miami.
Earlier this year, a southwest Florida pastor, perhaps having more faith in his congregants' stamina, issued a 30-day sex challenge.
even though the challenge is only supposed to be for married couples, i want in on this action too! literally!
and i know it's just semantics (or is it?!?) but i just want to point out this little part: "God says sex should be between a married man and a woman." a woman, like any woman? not necessarily his wife? so married men live the sweet life, getting to have sex with women, all sorts of women. if god wanted to be a little clearer on the issue, he'd have said something more like, "Sex should be between a married man and his wife." the other way, it's like marriage is a free ride to all the sex you can get!
also, all this married people sex would be blasphemous in some religious sectors... all that sex? for fun? no babies? no ifs, ands, or buts - sex only for reproduction. shame on him for wanting his congregation to enjoy their married selves. that's no way to get into heaven!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
hardy har har
presenting...
the most amusing thing i read today!
"I didn't hit you. I simply high-fived your face."
it was in the comments for something else i was reading...
the most amusing thing i read today!
"I didn't hit you. I simply high-fived your face."
it was in the comments for something else i was reading...
eye spy
if you ever EVER get this for me for christmas (or any other occasion for that matter) i will kill you. kill you dead. stone cold dead. so don't do it!
hurray (??) for eye jewellery!!!
trust the dutch to come up with and actually follow through on this squimish new fad... a 3.5mm wide piece of platinum is inserted (gag) into the eye's mucous (oh, i almost barfed there...) membrane under local anaesthetic.
and if you're not up for something so extreme (although, a proponent of the metal eye shards says it's "a little more subtle than piercing.") there is a less gross alternative!
hurray (??) for contact eye jewels!!
if you can do contact lenses (i can't) you can do this! they just dangle from your contact lenses... and they're not supposed to affect your vision... whatever man! i get an eyelash out of place and i'm driving off the road trying to remedy it! and wouldn't you be afraid of someone coming up to you and trying to pluck it off like a loose thread? ~shudder~
and your welcome. i DID have fun ruining your afternoon!
hurray (??) for eye jewellery!!!
trust the dutch to come up with and actually follow through on this squimish new fad... a 3.5mm wide piece of platinum is inserted (gag) into the eye's mucous (oh, i almost barfed there...) membrane under local anaesthetic.and if you're not up for something so extreme (although, a proponent of the metal eye shards says it's "a little more subtle than piercing.") there is a less gross alternative!
hurray (??) for contact eye jewels!!
if you can do contact lenses (i can't) you can do this! they just dangle from your contact lenses... and they're not supposed to affect your vision... whatever man! i get an eyelash out of place and i'm driving off the road trying to remedy it! and wouldn't you be afraid of someone coming up to you and trying to pluck it off like a loose thread? ~shudder~and your welcome. i DID have fun ruining your afternoon!
self breast exam?
pfft... those are SO last year...
mariah carey, at the world music awards, demonstrats a new technique - the public breast exam:
mariah carey, at the world music awards, demonstrats a new technique - the public breast exam:
bright idea
not because it is particularly brilliant, because it's a light bulb! haha... get it? no, you suck!
tokyo design week 08: flat bulb by joonhuyn kim
i like it! it's fun to look at... like something you'd find at IKEA... possibly not useful, but i buy it anyway! but as much as i enjoy the product itself, i like the comments on it even better!
by deadskin
Very cool. Until someone sticks a metal object in the gap between the socket and the bulb end. That may need a bit of a design tweak before putting on the market.
i would comment on this but someones else beat me to it!
by anonymous
Who in their right mind would say, 'Oh, there's a gap, I should fill it with something metal'??? It's no different then leaving a light bulb socket or power socket open with nothing in it. Really, I mean, really?
then know-it-all (and grammar school drop-out) kk tries to ruin all the fun by raining on the flat bulb parade:
theres a reason bulbs are not flat...
the circular design help to cool the thread via thermal convection inside the bulb. this does no do that and probably has a life time of less then 400hours.
JW has his own thoughts on light bulb shapes:
On the contrary, conventional bulbs are the shape they are to resist internal vacuum.
sounds logical... BUT WAIT!!
by minocc
light bulbs have no vacuum. they are filled with an inert gas. don't believe me? get a torch, and heat up a spot on a light bulb until it is soft. if there were a vacuum, it would flow inwards. however, it does not. so, inert gas.
methinks this guy has been hanging out a little too much with the guy who wants to shove metal bits in electrical appliances... get a torch and heat up the light bulb??? ... ??? WHAT?!?
tokyo design week 08: flat bulb by joonhuyn kim
i like it! it's fun to look at... like something you'd find at IKEA... possibly not useful, but i buy it anyway! but as much as i enjoy the product itself, i like the comments on it even better!by deadskin
Very cool. Until someone sticks a metal object in the gap between the socket and the bulb end. That may need a bit of a design tweak before putting on the market.
i would comment on this but someones else beat me to it!
by anonymous
Who in their right mind would say, 'Oh, there's a gap, I should fill it with something metal'??? It's no different then leaving a light bulb socket or power socket open with nothing in it. Really, I mean, really?
then know-it-all (and grammar school drop-out) kk tries to ruin all the fun by raining on the flat bulb parade:
theres a reason bulbs are not flat...
the circular design help to cool the thread via thermal convection inside the bulb. this does no do that and probably has a life time of less then 400hours.
JW has his own thoughts on light bulb shapes:
On the contrary, conventional bulbs are the shape they are to resist internal vacuum.
sounds logical... BUT WAIT!!
by minocc
light bulbs have no vacuum. they are filled with an inert gas. don't believe me? get a torch, and heat up a spot on a light bulb until it is soft. if there were a vacuum, it would flow inwards. however, it does not. so, inert gas.
methinks this guy has been hanging out a little too much with the guy who wants to shove metal bits in electrical appliances... get a torch and heat up the light bulb??? ... ??? WHAT?!?
thunderstruck
turn that nerd dial up to 11!also, rock dial at 13!
it's AC/DC in a spreadsheet!
someone (nerd or god? i can't decide...) with too much time on their hands rendered part of AC/DC's RocknRoll Train video (yes, i said VIDEO) using an excel spreadsheet. it is definitely worth taking a gander.
touched for the very first time... maybe
this is perhaps the lamest way to try to get laid in the entire world... this guys must be desperate! but mom! all my friends are doing it!
Help a virgin.
Well guys, here's the deal: I'm 25 years old and still a virgin. Yes, I know, it's pretty weird... I've always been a shy guy, and as time passed I just got too old. To be honest, I'm not quite happy about this, as one would figure.
Actually, I almost lost it once. I had a girlfriend when I was 23. But in the end pretty much nothing happened - she left me for a guy that had more money than I did. I don't think I'm ugly looking, I'm just not good with this kind of stuff. And since then I also have a trauma of sorts.
Anyway. I'm going to tell you why I set up this website. I made a bet with a friend of mine (my only friend who knows about this situation, and who is, by the way, very pretty): if I get 5 million unique hits for this website until New Year's eve, she's going to "help" me. It's exactly what you're thinking! If I can't do it, I'll have to do anything she wants for a whole month.
let's just take a second here to point some shit out...
first off, 5 million hits? that's a lofty goal isn't it? i'm thinking this "friend" of his doesn't really want to "help" him... this was like a pity proposition. you know, just to give him hope. what a bitch!
he's only 25 and he's already given up? he got too old? too old at 25? people have been virgins WAY longer than that and survived. if it wasn't true, they wouldn't make movies a la the 40 year old virgin.
he doesn't think he's ugly... i'll bet he's ugly. (i'm shallow like that.)
if you feel the need to help him out, go on, click the link. but i don't think he's going to make it... where i checked it earlier, he was only at 174,508 with 48 days to go. so he needs roughly 100,500 hits daily up until the BIG DAY. yeah, good luck with that.
Help a virgin.
Well guys, here's the deal: I'm 25 years old and still a virgin. Yes, I know, it's pretty weird... I've always been a shy guy, and as time passed I just got too old. To be honest, I'm not quite happy about this, as one would figure.
Actually, I almost lost it once. I had a girlfriend when I was 23. But in the end pretty much nothing happened - she left me for a guy that had more money than I did. I don't think I'm ugly looking, I'm just not good with this kind of stuff. And since then I also have a trauma of sorts.
Anyway. I'm going to tell you why I set up this website. I made a bet with a friend of mine (my only friend who knows about this situation, and who is, by the way, very pretty): if I get 5 million unique hits for this website until New Year's eve, she's going to "help" me. It's exactly what you're thinking! If I can't do it, I'll have to do anything she wants for a whole month.
let's just take a second here to point some shit out...
first off, 5 million hits? that's a lofty goal isn't it? i'm thinking this "friend" of his doesn't really want to "help" him... this was like a pity proposition. you know, just to give him hope. what a bitch!
he's only 25 and he's already given up? he got too old? too old at 25? people have been virgins WAY longer than that and survived. if it wasn't true, they wouldn't make movies a la the 40 year old virgin.
he doesn't think he's ugly... i'll bet he's ugly. (i'm shallow like that.)
if you feel the need to help him out, go on, click the link. but i don't think he's going to make it... where i checked it earlier, he was only at 174,508 with 48 days to go. so he needs roughly 100,500 hits daily up until the BIG DAY. yeah, good luck with that.
word of the day - nov 12 08
caterwaul
intransitive verb
1. to make a harsh cry.
2. to have a noisy argument.
3. a shrill, discordant sound.
BONUS!!
grammer lesson of the day - nov 12 08
intransitive verb
noun
a verb that indicates a complete action without being accompanied by a direct object, as sit or lie, and, in English, that does not form a passive.
example: "you complain too much." --> complain has no object
intransitive verb
1. to make a harsh cry.
2. to have a noisy argument.
3. a shrill, discordant sound.
BONUS!!
grammer lesson of the day - nov 12 08
intransitive verb
noun
a verb that indicates a complete action without being accompanied by a direct object, as sit or lie, and, in English, that does not form a passive.
example: "you complain too much." --> complain has no object
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
come to the dark side... we have toast!
speaking of my brain being burnt toast...
here's something for every sci-fi nerd on your christmas list!
a darth vader toaster!
(so much cooler than the hello kitty toaster...)
have this baby proudly sitting in your kitchen and guarenteed you won't have to be hassled with asking anyone how they want their eggs in the morning... you can just sit alone day & night and eat your fancy-schmancy darth vader toast.
here's something for every sci-fi nerd on your christmas list!
a darth vader toaster!
(so much cooler than the hello kitty toaster...)
have this baby proudly sitting in your kitchen and guarenteed you won't have to be hassled with asking anyone how they want their eggs in the morning... you can just sit alone day & night and eat your fancy-schmancy darth vader toast.
breaking the language barrier
the following phrases were translated to another language and then back to english by a computer... can you guess what the originals were???1) the idiot divides your that money directly.
2) you are unable to judge the registration by its cover.
3) as for absence compared to you make the centre be brought up to the favourite.
4) all these radiate are not golden.
don't hurt yourself... remember, where there's smoke, there's fire!
brow beater... continued!
**WARNING!!!**
if you feel liks solving yesterday's brow beater all on your own, skip this post... i'm posting my partially complete solution below.
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this puzzle was seriously starting to piss me off! i just couldn't get it! i must need more sleep or something... my brain is like burnt toast! i keep getting stuck at this point:
thankfully, i had my wits about me earlier and i finally solved it! i might have sailed into batshit insanse/obsessed territory if i was still pecking away at it now. i'll post the answer nearer the end of the week so y'all can sweat it out a little longer.
if you feel liks solving yesterday's brow beater all on your own, skip this post... i'm posting my partially complete solution below.
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this puzzle was seriously starting to piss me off! i just couldn't get it! i must need more sleep or something... my brain is like burnt toast! i keep getting stuck at this point:
thankfully, i had my wits about me earlier and i finally solved it! i might have sailed into batshit insanse/obsessed territory if i was still pecking away at it now. i'll post the answer nearer the end of the week so y'all can sweat it out a little longer.
umm... why?
"Dance Dance Revolution Musical Coming Out"
and again... why?
It's set in an Orwellian society where a dance prophet named Moonbeam Funk helps dancing youth gangs rebel against a fascist government. The company working on the show describes it as "like Footloose set in the future -- but kind of scarier, and with 40 really attractive, barely-clothed young actors and buckets of free beer.
err... ok...?
i can't link to any sites to confirm this nonsense at work because work-internet is dumb but this sounds pretty out there, no?
and then of course there's more WHY???
but you know what's awesome? the picture accompanying the story on geekologie.com... and if you were to lazy to click the link, i'm enabling you in your laziness and posting it here:
and again... why?
It's set in an Orwellian society where a dance prophet named Moonbeam Funk helps dancing youth gangs rebel against a fascist government. The company working on the show describes it as "like Footloose set in the future -- but kind of scarier, and with 40 really attractive, barely-clothed young actors and buckets of free beer.
err... ok...?
i can't link to any sites to confirm this nonsense at work because work-internet is dumb but this sounds pretty out there, no?
and then of course there's more WHY???
but you know what's awesome? the picture accompanying the story on geekologie.com... and if you were to lazy to click the link, i'm enabling you in your laziness and posting it here:
word choice
sneak, sneak, sneak! don't get caught!
"Premiers, PM plot economic rescue"
i don't even really care what this article's about... (read it if you like; i hear it's a bit of a hot topic at the moment...) i just enjoy the title.
i have no love for stephen harper and i think he's a sneaky little democrat-in-sheep's-clothing weasel so this is actually perfect but i DO think the reporter here could have chosen a better word than "plot"... it wounds like they're in a dank back room somewhere in ottawa scheming away at something dastardly! penting their fingers and cackling manically... you know, maybe they're even stroking their long curly moustaches!
some suggestions for next time:
plan, orchestrate, map out, devise, organize, coordinate
"Premiers, PM plot economic rescue"
i don't even really care what this article's about... (read it if you like; i hear it's a bit of a hot topic at the moment...) i just enjoy the title.
i have no love for stephen harper and i think he's a sneaky little democrat-in-sheep's-clothing weasel so this is actually perfect but i DO think the reporter here could have chosen a better word than "plot"... it wounds like they're in a dank back room somewhere in ottawa scheming away at something dastardly! penting their fingers and cackling manically... you know, maybe they're even stroking their long curly moustaches!
some suggestions for next time:
plan, orchestrate, map out, devise, organize, coordinate
word of the day - nov 11 08
horripilation
noun
the act or process of the hair bristling on the skin, as from cold pr fear; goose flesh.
i so want to pronounce this word WHORE-rip-u-LAY-shun... sort of like WHORE--uh-bulh but with more WHORE. maybe i just like writing WHORE in capital letters all over this post... it's just the mood i'm in i guess. WHORE!
but this pronunciation is different... you kind of have to add a bit of hillbilly twang to get it right: haw-rip-uh-LAY-shuhn
noun
the act or process of the hair bristling on the skin, as from cold pr fear; goose flesh.
i so want to pronounce this word WHORE-rip-u-LAY-shun... sort of like WHORE--uh-bulh but with more WHORE. maybe i just like writing WHORE in capital letters all over this post... it's just the mood i'm in i guess. WHORE!
but this pronunciation is different... you kind of have to add a bit of hillbilly twang to get it right: haw-rip-uh-LAY-shuhn
Monday, November 10, 2008
brow beater...
if anyone can solve the puzzle below, you get a gold star! i've tried it twice already today and screwed up both times...
here's the instructions:
Draw spokes between the hubs so each number counts the number of spokes touching that hub. Lines may not cross each other, and all hubs must connect to each other. Three spokes are drawn to get you started.
here's the instructions:Draw spokes between the hubs so each number counts the number of spokes touching that hub. Lines may not cross each other, and all hubs must connect to each other. Three spokes are drawn to get you started.
fine dining
if you get these in your stocking this christmas, you can bust them out at christmas dinner and everyone (even grandma!) can eat in extra super elegance... tie required? no problem!
say hello to Dress for Dinner Tie Napkins!!!
Does the prospect of getting dressed up for a spot of dinner with your friends seem a bit pointless to you? Worried that you're going to get your best work shirt ruined with spaghetti bolognaise stains?
With our Dress for Dinner Napkins, t-shirt loving guys can now look presentable at the dinner table with minimal effort. A funny conversation starter for your next fancy shindig or fine dining excursion, but also hilarious enough for everyday use!
Each package contains 20 paper napkins, 5 each of 4 different tie designs (choose between stripes, solids, or polka dots).
say hello to Dress for Dinner Tie Napkins!!!Does the prospect of getting dressed up for a spot of dinner with your friends seem a bit pointless to you? Worried that you're going to get your best work shirt ruined with spaghetti bolognaise stains?
With our Dress for Dinner Napkins, t-shirt loving guys can now look presentable at the dinner table with minimal effort. A funny conversation starter for your next fancy shindig or fine dining excursion, but also hilarious enough for everyday use!
Each package contains 20 paper napkins, 5 each of 4 different tie designs (choose between stripes, solids, or polka dots).
you're too old for that iPod, grandpa!
well alright, you can have the iPod but no earphones for you!
"Headphones can shut off heart devices"
Study show common ear buds for MP3 players placed near the heart can interfere with pacemakers
how close is "near" you might ask? pretty much you'd hav to have them inside your chest to cause serious problems - at least 3cm... but for now, they're advising if you have a pacemaker or similar equipment, don't put the earphones in your breat pocket or let them dangle on your chest.
can you believe people with pacemakers actually volunteered to do this study? it's like they're saying to you, "alrighty, we're pretty sure this can kill you but we just want to make sure... put this on you chest and tell us if you start to feel a tingle."
"Headphones can shut off heart devices"
Study show common ear buds for MP3 players placed near the heart can interfere with pacemakers
how close is "near" you might ask? pretty much you'd hav to have them inside your chest to cause serious problems - at least 3cm... but for now, they're advising if you have a pacemaker or similar equipment, don't put the earphones in your breat pocket or let them dangle on your chest.
can you believe people with pacemakers actually volunteered to do this study? it's like they're saying to you, "alrighty, we're pretty sure this can kill you but we just want to make sure... put this on you chest and tell us if you start to feel a tingle."
Friday, November 7, 2008
enough already!
katy perry, i tire of you.
i wish you and your cavalcade of merry costumes would just fade into oblivion. sure, you're song was catchy for all of 2 minutes but then you went and tried to sing for reals and everyone realized that you can't... in a big way. so give a big high five to your mixing team and go away.
i wish you and your cavalcade of merry costumes would just fade into oblivion. sure, you're song was catchy for all of 2 minutes but then you went and tried to sing for reals and everyone realized that you can't... in a big way. so give a big high five to your mixing team and go away.
melting your cold, dead heart
admit it... this is the cutest thing you've ever seen! well, at least the cutest thing you've ever seen today! it makes me want to run off to costco and buy a 12-pack.
this is Monifa!
she's a brand spanking new pygmy hippo at the taronga zoo in australia... the first baby hippo at the zoo in 23 years! her name means "i am lucky" in nigerian.
this is Monifa!she's a brand spanking new pygmy hippo at the taronga zoo in australia... the first baby hippo at the zoo in 23 years! her name means "i am lucky" in nigerian.
interrupting the time-space continuum
i recently went back (yes, back! yes, i'm implying i've been there before...) to the future and brought with me this incredible piece of futuristic awesomeness:
grovel in the shadow of the amazing hover lounger!
on christmas wish lists of everyone in the year 2025.
for serious! and i'm only going to charge you $9,600 to float on this cloud! i think it's a hell of a bargain.
grovel in the shadow of the amazing hover lounger!on christmas wish lists of everyone in the year 2025.
for serious! and i'm only going to charge you $9,600 to float on this cloud! i think it's a hell of a bargain.
puzzling politics
so i promised the solution to my little election brain teaser and here it is!
THE QUESTION:
the tiny nation of turtleopolis has a population of 121, divided into eleven states of eleven citizens each. during an election, the citizens vote for 2 candidates for president. each citizen votes for one candidate and the candidate with more votes in a state receives one electoral college vote for that state. the candidate that gets the most electoral college votes wins.
what is the largest number of popular votes a candidate can receive and not become president?
THE ANSWER:
85 votes... 85/121 - that's just more than 70%! and you still don't get to be president!
here's how the number break down --> six states vote 6:5 in favour of the winner and the other 5 state vote 11:0 for the loser.
(5 x 11) + (5 x 6) = 85
congrats to laura who got the right answer.
boo on you whores who didn't bother...
THE QUESTION:
the tiny nation of turtleopolis has a population of 121, divided into eleven states of eleven citizens each. during an election, the citizens vote for 2 candidates for president. each citizen votes for one candidate and the candidate with more votes in a state receives one electoral college vote for that state. the candidate that gets the most electoral college votes wins.
what is the largest number of popular votes a candidate can receive and not become president?
THE ANSWER:
85 votes... 85/121 - that's just more than 70%! and you still don't get to be president!
here's how the number break down --> six states vote 6:5 in favour of the winner and the other 5 state vote 11:0 for the loser.
(5 x 11) + (5 x 6) = 85
congrats to laura who got the right answer.
boo on you whores who didn't bother...
a little vomit with your breakfast?
so if you didn't hear, proposition 8 passed (marginally) in california last night and now the poo has hit the fan... some people are celebratory, and many more are just straight up pissed.
ok, so i normally don't get into this because i usually tend to babble when my head is twisted up with so many words it doesn't know up from down. but i was almost physically sick reading some of the hateful and hurtful comments made on this story... geezes! i can't even write coherently that i don't want to write about this. i'm pissed that i'm so articulate about this!
BLARGE!
here's the article i read... i'm sure there are gagillions more out there. read and be outraged at how humans treat each other. the comments are the best parts if you want to lose your stomach contents in a hurry...
"Straights are killing traditional marriage"
lots of people are speaking out in outrage and saying silly things but melissa etheridge managed to get something poignant across in her reaction:
Okay. So Prop 8 passed. Alright, I get it. 51% of you think that I am a second class citizen. Alright then. So my wife, uh I mean, roommate? Girlfriend? Special lady friend? You are gonna have to help me here because I am not sure what to call her now. Anyways, she and I are not allowed the same right under the state constitution as any other citizen. Okay, so I am taking that to mean I do not have to pay my state taxes because I am not a full citizen. I mean that would just be wrong, to make someone pay taxes and not give them the same rights, sounds sort of like that taxation without representation thing from the history books.
Okay, cool I don't mean to get too personal here but there is a lot I can do with the extra half a million dollars that I will be keeping instead of handing it over to the state of California. Oh, and I am sure Ellen will be a little excited to keep her bazillion bucks that she pays in taxes too. Wow, come to think of it, there are quite a few of us fortunate gay folks that will be having some extra cash this year. What recession? We're gay!
ok, so i normally don't get into this because i usually tend to babble when my head is twisted up with so many words it doesn't know up from down. but i was almost physically sick reading some of the hateful and hurtful comments made on this story... geezes! i can't even write coherently that i don't want to write about this. i'm pissed that i'm so articulate about this!
BLARGE!
here's the article i read... i'm sure there are gagillions more out there. read and be outraged at how humans treat each other. the comments are the best parts if you want to lose your stomach contents in a hurry...
"Straights are killing traditional marriage"
lots of people are speaking out in outrage and saying silly things but melissa etheridge managed to get something poignant across in her reaction:
Okay. So Prop 8 passed. Alright, I get it. 51% of you think that I am a second class citizen. Alright then. So my wife, uh I mean, roommate? Girlfriend? Special lady friend? You are gonna have to help me here because I am not sure what to call her now. Anyways, she and I are not allowed the same right under the state constitution as any other citizen. Okay, so I am taking that to mean I do not have to pay my state taxes because I am not a full citizen. I mean that would just be wrong, to make someone pay taxes and not give them the same rights, sounds sort of like that taxation without representation thing from the history books.
Okay, cool I don't mean to get too personal here but there is a lot I can do with the extra half a million dollars that I will be keeping instead of handing it over to the state of California. Oh, and I am sure Ellen will be a little excited to keep her bazillion bucks that she pays in taxes too. Wow, come to think of it, there are quite a few of us fortunate gay folks that will be having some extra cash this year. What recession? We're gay!
Thursday, November 6, 2008
freak-tastic
continuting the doll theme on the wish list today... i proudly offer up this weird and creepy doll:
ok, so maybe it's just me that finds it a bit creepy but you have to admit it IS a little stange. i think it's the "true eyes" that are apparently beautiful and authentic for a realistic look. ~shudder~ it sort of look like it'd come to life in the night and try to stab you to death with a million toothpicks.
anyway... they're called Juku Couture dolls and here's the shakedown on them:
Have fun with fashion and Mix Up Your Style like the Juku Couture girls! Kana is the artistic one of the group with a love for drawing and painting and a flair for funky style. Layer and mis-match Kana's trendsetting outfit in your own unique ways. You can mix up her totally cute pieces or swap with friends for more crazy-cool fun!
this one is named Kana and she comes with 13 cool pieces to mis-match and layer for multiple high-style options... they forgot to mention that one of the "high-style options" was flipping her skirt up over her head and wearing it as a headdress.
ok, so maybe it's just me that finds it a bit creepy but you have to admit it IS a little stange. i think it's the "true eyes" that are apparently beautiful and authentic for a realistic look. ~shudder~ it sort of look like it'd come to life in the night and try to stab you to death with a million toothpicks.anyway... they're called Juku Couture dolls and here's the shakedown on them:
Have fun with fashion and Mix Up Your Style like the Juku Couture girls! Kana is the artistic one of the group with a love for drawing and painting and a flair for funky style. Layer and mis-match Kana's trendsetting outfit in your own unique ways. You can mix up her totally cute pieces or swap with friends for more crazy-cool fun!
this one is named Kana and she comes with 13 cool pieces to mis-match and layer for multiple high-style options... they forgot to mention that one of the "high-style options" was flipping her skirt up over her head and wearing it as a headdress.
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