tragic hilarity

recently, in a bid to solicit more funding, the illinois poison control center blogged 'A Day In the Life of a Poison Center' documenting 282 cases handled in the course of a 24-hour period.

they claim that "there is no reason to feel embarrassed or ashamed to call, because we really have heard it all!" but there are just some calls that you can't help but snicker at no matter how serious the person on the other end of the phone might have been.

my favourite stories can be grouped into 4 categories:

IDIOTS

Caller has one squirt bottle with bleach/water to disinfect her kitchen, and another with just water that she uses to spray the dog. She was going to spray the dog, but had mixed up the two bottles. She wanted to make sure she didn’t spray her dog with bleach, so she had squirted some in her mouth to check. It was the bleach.

A 5 year old accidentally super glued his finger in his nose.

An adult male has a car for sale; he decided to siphon out some gas to save money and swallowed a mouthful.

Babysitter misread the label of child’s nighttime prescription for clonidine and instead of giving him ½ tablet, gave him 12 tablets.

A father called about tater tots he had cooked in the oven; after his kids ate them, the caller realized there was a charred rat corpse in the oven.

An adult was camping and used newspaper in lieu of toilet paper; called to see if newsprint is toxic rectally.
[can you imagine trying to say the phrase 'rectally toxic' in a serious situation?]

Caller took a beer out of the minbar in a hotel and quickly realized after one swig that it was urine. Someone had drunk the beer, then filled it with urine and put it back to avoid being charged.
[i know what i'm doing next time i'm in a hotel with a mini bar...]

TOO MUCH INFORMATION

A 24 year old woman called about her boyfriend. The woman had a Brazilian wax at a salon where they had used a numbing cream on the area and now her boyfriend is complaining numb lips, mouth and tongue. He was concerned that he may have ingested some of this numbing cream.

A woman called because she had reached into her bathroom cabinet in the dark for a tube of personal lubricant and accidentally used toothpaste instead.

An adult woman called because a battery leaked out of her personal massager and she was concerned about battery acid burns.

UNEDUCATED ON THE DEFINITION OF THE WORD POISON

A 3 year old ingested a piece of Play Doh®.
[pretty sure play doh says non-toxic right on the label...]

A 4 year old might have chewed and swallowed several Styrofoam packing peanuts.

A 1 year old child scraped some soap off a bar of soap with her teeth.

JUST WANTED SOMEONE TO TALK TO

Caller received a get-well plant and wondered if it is toxic, or if it is okay to keep on the kitchen table because she has twin toddlers.

A 36 year old woman called to ask if over the counter cough syrup could be causing her blurry vision.

A caller, who does not have good relations with a neighbor, believes the neighbor is trying to poison her dog. She wanted to know where she can get dog food tested for poisons.

Caller's electricity was out for between 3-6 hours while she was at work. Wondered if she should throw out all the food in her fridge/freezer away.