so i'm lazy... sue me.

yeah... even though i was relatively un-busy today, i just couldn't get around to writing anything. i just didn't feel like it. you know how you have to be in a certain frame of mind to do something? yeah, it's like that. i wasn't in a mood to do ANYTHING today and what little i did get done is a miracle!
i promise to try and make up for it tomorrow...
TRY being the key word in that sentence.

tips for dressing you douche bag - part 12

why? WHY?!?
he actually used to be hot!

ooo... cuddly!

can you imagine if they made REAL fur coats this way, with all the heads still on...? ~shudder~ perhaps fewer people would wear fur coats then.

when i was younger, i had a scarf that was a teddy bear head at one end and teddy bear feet and a tail at the other end... i loved that scarf but never wore it in public because it wasn't 'cool' and EVERY day is a fashion show thankyouverymuch, MOM!

PS - i wonder if the model in this picture has an eating disorder... i can SEE her veins poking through her skin between the coat and her pants!

word of the day - sep 29 09

traduce
transitive verb
to expose to contempt or shame by means of false statements or misrepresentation; to represent as blamable; to vilify.

tips for dressing your douche bag - part 11

pictured left to right: douche bag, a starlet's night being ruined

it's a bird, it's a plane...

it's a shoe!!!
yes, a shoe!
pretty neat, eh?
PS - yes john, you do get a gold star for guess correctly!

word of the day - sep 28 09

lackluster
adjective
1. lacking brilliance or radiance; dull: lackluster eyes.
2. lacking liveliness, vitality, spirit, or enthusiasm: a lackluster performance.

noun
3. a lack of brilliance or vitality.

i'll take a #2 with fries and a coke...

tips for dressing your douche bag - part 10

word of the day - sep 25 09

assiduous
adjective
1. constant in application or attention; devoted; attentive.
2. performed with constant diligence or attention; unremitting; persistent; as, "assiduous labour."

it's a bird, it's a plane... what is that thing?

find out on monday!

commute ruiner

this guy/girl made for the suckiest commute in a long time for me and a bunch of other people this morning... putz-ing along at 55km/h in 70 and 80 zones with no chances to pass! i felt like bashing my head against the steering wheel until it was a bloody pulp. i'm going to go ahead a blame this particular motorist for making me late to work this morning.

remember, just because you have a following doesn't mean you are important or special... it probably just means you're going too slow!

tips for dressing your douche bag - parts 8 & 9

day & night

word of the day - sep 24 09

malapropism
noun
1. an act or habit of misusing words ridiculously, esp. by the confusion of words that are similar in sound.
2. an example of such misuse.

example:
[...] the five-day deodorant pads she forgot to bring, flush toilets, machine-washed clothes and other things, as she says with her willful gift for malapropism, that she has taken "for granite."

belated word of the day - sep 23 09

logorrhea
noun
1. pathologically incoherent, repetitious speech.
2. incessant or compulsive talkativeness; wearisome volubility.

missing brain. reward offered.

where was i yesterday?!?
how could i forget both the word of the day AND the daily tip for dressing your douche bag??? it's an injustice to the universe! what if yesterday someone was trying to decide how to dress their douche bag and came here for help and there was nothing! and then because there was also no word of the day, they didn't have the proper vocabulary to express how they felt about the situation! the world might have folded up into a black whole right there and then! luckily, only like 2.5 people read this blog so i think we may have dodged the bullet here.

eww...

opinions may differ but i think this is EXACTLY how you should explain to your daughter what happened to mr. fluffernutter.

tips for dressing your douche bag - part 7

lunch time fun

so i may have been a little overzealous when heating my lunch today... i was sitting at the table about to start eating when BANG! the chicken exploded! ever heard of having to fill out a WSIB form for lunch?? luckily, no one was injured and the table was easily wiped off.

but today was not my day with food... i suppose it just didn't like me today? i managed to drop a fairly sizable (think of a nickel) piece of chicken down INTO my shirt. and it didn't just fall in there; it kind of slide down my chest... leaving sauce on its way... so while i managed to discretely (in my opinion at least) wipe all the sauce from myself, i wasn't about to go digging around in there when i was the only girl at the table. (see mom! i DON'T do that stuff when i'm out in public.) but reat assured, the chicken bit has no been modestly removed and i am continuing on with my day and, if lunch was any indication on how food is going to treat me today, dreading what's going to happen at dinner.

word of the day - sep 22 09

equivocate
intransitive verb
to be deliberately ambiguous or unclear in order to mislead or to avoid committing oneself to anything definite.

wrong, wrong, and more wrong

i have 4 words for you.
4 terrifyingly wrong and awful words.


reusable.


pokemon.


menstrual.


pads.


there! if i have to struggle with the uncomfortableness of this atrocity, you will suffer as well! consider this the most awkward share in the history of the world.

"Reuseable Pokemon Woman Pad Thingies"

i want: buddha pears

but the dilemna would be if i should eat buddah or keep him! what to do, what to do...

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.
~ Buddha

i will eat the pear and not worry.

"Farmer grows Buddha pears"

tips for dressing your douch bag - part 6

if you have any 'celebrities' you want to nominate for the TFDYDB daily, just let me know and we'll make it happen, cap'n!

word of the day - sep 21 09

tchotchke
noun
a trinket; a knicknack.

that's a word? in english?!?
what was wrong with plain old 'trinket'???
someone needs to go through the dictionary and eliminate strange, redundant words like this.

the force is strong with this one*

another reason obama might just be the most awesome/nerdiest president the united states has even had.

*lamest post title EVER!

word of the day - sep 18 09

frantic
adjective
1. desperate or wild with excitement, passion, fear, pain, etc.; frenzied.
2. archaic. insane; mad.

tips for dressing your douche bag - part 5

time to pick on a new celebrity!
i can't believe i ever found this guy even remotely attractive...

does not compute

pursuant to today's word of the day, here's a little story that you may have heard about...

in case you didn't know, blackberry billionaire jim balsillie is trying to buy the bankrupt nhl team the phoenix coyotes... he is hoping to move the team that plays an ice sport from the middle of the freaking desert where they can't even fill half the arena on free ticket night to hamilton where hockey fans with more brains than money would gladly go to see games.

so there used to be a bunch of potential buyers in the mix but now it's down to balsillie and the i-don't-know-what-conflict-of-interests-means nhl bidding to bailout the finacially troubled team.

so, usually when one party out-bids the other by $102.5 million, they are the clear winners, right? because not only would it be the most financially beneficial for the team but also because, in an auction, the "goods are sold to the highest bidder"... right?

"NHL's bid for the Coyotes recieves critical support"
Glendale city council spurns Balsillie's cash in hopes of keeping club

word of the day - sep 17 09

auction
noun
1. also called public sale, a publicly held sale at which property or goods are sold to the highest bidder.
2. cards.
a. auction bridge
b. (in bridge or certain other games) the competitive bidding to fix a contract that a player or players undertake to fulfill.

verb
3. to sell by auction (often fol. by off): he auctioned off his furniture.

a dingo ate my baby!

please don't mistake me for an insensitive animal hater just because i find the following to be one of the most hilarious things i've heard all year...

"My heart is broken because a coyote took my precious Daisy right in front of our eyes, HORROR! We are searching. Hoping. Please help! (sic)"

apparently a coyote ran off with jessica simpson's 4-legged dust mop... sad, but also hilarious!

bigger, hotter, messier

WHY would anyone hire a "stylist" who advertises herself by wearing atrocities like this? she looks like she cinched an ill-fitting potato sack in all the wrong places.

and WHY do i think of coke-addict california raisins whenever i see rachel zoe???

BIG. HOT. MESS.

and not in a good way...lady gaga... MTV VMAs... good sweet mike that's a whole lotta crazy!

this is by far the funniest comment i've seen that properly describes the event to people who didn't see if with their very own eyes:
(503): hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
(1-503): all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis

and look at what she wore to accept whatever award she got! even EMINEM is like WTF?!?!

tips for dressing your douche bag - part 5

blah blah blah...

not to be repetitive or anything but i HATE it when work gets in the way of one's other daytime activities. don't they know that some people have budgeted their working hours for things other than working until they die?!?

and your bosses, do they have an uncanny ability to be oblivious to you when you're doing nothing but as soon as someone else wants you o do something, they also have stuff for you to do? it seems like as soon as i get an assignment from one person, everyone else in the office also magically has something for me to do... and it's all RIGHT NOW! coordination people, coordination. and jazz hands!

belated word of the day - sep 16 09

refulgent
adjective
shining brightly; radiant; brilliant; resplendent.

word of the day - sep 15 09

crapulous
adjective
1. given to or characterized by gross excess in drinking or eating.
2. suffering from or due to such excess.

tips for dressing your douche bag - part 4

freakin'!!

ok so i'm just keeping my shit in check... just barely.
so hopefully i survive the weekend and i'll see you losers again on tuesday!

(ps - i love you... you're not really losers.)

word of the day - sep 11 09

sacrosanct
adjective
1. extremely sacred or inviolable.
2. not to be entered or trespassed upon.
3. above or beyond criticism, change, or interference.

tips for dressing your douche bag - part 3

a lesson in flattering pictures

now i don't know if this charming couple got to approve this picture before it went to print but if it were me and i had final approval, i definitely would NOT have gone with this picture:and even if they ran this picture without telling me, i'd be on the horn as soon as i say it asking them to remove it IMMEDIATELY if not sooner with threats of legal action.

maybe the news people searched out this picture on facebook or something? this is exactly why you untag yourself from certain pictures - so it doesn't end up all over the interwebs! and in extreme cases of unflattering photos, you report it to the site administration as being offensive and WHAMO! picture gone!

WHAT IS THAT?!?

that, my friends, is a cream one-piece. a cream one-piece that make one look as though they are wearing a diaper. a diaper than starts above one's navel. wouldn't it have been oh so much better if it had ended in a skirt rather than hideous, hideous cropped and tapered leg coverings?

as a rule, i make it a point to never cover participants in fake reality television because they don't deserve our time but this was far too atrocious to overlook.

word of the day - sep 9 09

abecedarian
noun
1. one who is learning the alphabet; hence, a beginner.
2. one engaged in teaching the alphabet.
3. pertaining to the letters of the alphabet.
4. arranged alphabetically.
5. rudimentary; elementary.

this word is a silly, made-up word!
abecedarian? A-B-C-darian!!
stupid, stupid, stupid.

no word of a lie, my sister knows someone who named their little girl 'Abcde'... pronounced ab-sid-dee. that may in fact be stupider than abecedarian.

juxtaposition

quite amusing, isn't it?
a story about lindsay being becoming a fashion artistic advisor and an accompanying photo where she looks like she might have just crawled out of a dumpster.

a) if i were running that blog and wasn't so into suble sarcasm, i would have used a picture of linds looking a little more suited to her new position.

b) if the girls is running around dressed as such, and i just hired her as my artistic advisor for my new fashion line, i would be seriously concerned.

tips for dressing your douche bag - part 2

i was wrong when i said it was all right there...
this might turn into an ongoing how-to guide.

i wasn't kidding

you may have thought it harsh or demeaning when i called the drivers effing up my commute as of tuesday 'super-retarded' but i wasn't kidding...

on the way home from work yesterday i saw FOUR seperate accidents within 20 minutes of my office! the gold stars for being improperly licenced to operate a motor vehicle go to the TWO rear-enders only like 150m apart not 2 minutes from my building. and the two accidents were in opposite directions so it isn't ven like they caused each other!

i swear they are more inept than last year... i might just go insane and pull all my hair out even before winter when all the super-SUPER-retardedness begins.

word of the day - sep 8 09

gadabout
noun
someone who roams about in search of amusement or social activity.

WRONG: girl lego

ugh... i think i just threw up a little.
pink-themed lego that is essentially a rip off of polly pockets? (and not the good polly pockets they had back in the day, but the current version that definitely doesn't fit you your pocket)

i HATE it when a toy company or whoever thinks their product isn't appealling to girls so their solution is invariably to make it pink and add flowers and/or pets.

little boys get to play with dragons, police cars, and medieval knights... and little girls? kitchen playsets, bimbo faries, and baby dolls that wet themselves. yeah, if that doesn't spell progessive, what does?

it feels so... degrading? is that the word i want? i'm not sure... i just feel all icky when i think about it. if any girl-child of mind ends up like pink or princesses i might just die.

you wouldn't like me when i'm angry

so before you even noticed it was actually summer, it's back to school time... and you know what that means, don't you?

yes, a glut of super-retarded drivers (they're so bad at driving that it is like a super power) are back on the road and ready for the worst weather our seasons can throw at them. we had a break only having to deal with normally retarded drivers over the summer and now we're back to the ol' gas-brake-honk, honk-honk-punch, gas-gas-gas...

surprisingly, because we live in canada of course, it hasn't yet snowed this september so we were given a slight suspension of the worst driving at least for now. but the lack of inclement weather did not stop these super-retarded drivers from making a muck of everything. and for me to even attempt to go into the list of exactly what pissed me off this morning would result in my freaking right the eff out and possibly heaving my monitor to the floor. then there would be paperwork to fill out and new jobs to look for... and nobody wants to start their week in that fashion. so i will just tell you it was bad.

budget star wars

le sigh... this is sadness in picture form.

useless math

so we all know our pythagorean theorms, and our convergence theorms, and out 2nd laws of physics, and all that jazz... but have you ever heard of Dolbear's Law? alright smartass in the back of the class... so YOU'VE heard of it but pipe down so everyone else can learn someting useless!

so THIS is dolbear's law:and do you know what dolbear's law tells us?
it tell us the relationship between air temperature and...

...

...

wait for it...

...

...

... the rate at which snowy tree crickets chirp.

oh excellent... just last weekend i was out in the woods listening to snowy tree crickets chirping and i was wondering what the temperature was. who knew i could have been able to calculate it using a simple formula??

how would one decide to come up with a relationship for something as obscure as that??

well take this little pearl of wisdom and tuck it in your hip pocket because you never know when it could come in handy... but beware! it does NOT work with common field crickets!

tips for dressing your douche bag

it's all right here:

word of the day - sep 4 09

carom
noun
1. a rebound following a collision; a glancing off.
2. a shot in billiards in which the cue ball successively strikes two other balls on the table.
3. to strike and rebound; to glance.
4. to make a carom.
5. to make (an object) bounce off something; to cause to carom.

belated word of the day - sep 3 09

fecund
adjective
1. capable of producing offspring or vegetationl fruitful; prolific.
2. intellectually productive or inventive.

"... it's normal."

"Ping pong champ finally allowed to date"

if this kid didn't get enough abuse about his choice 'sport' being ping pong, he most certainly would have got more about being banned from dating! well, at least he would have if he lived in north america... the kid is a 2-time olympic silver medalist in the sport...

oh wait! he's not a kid!
he's twenty-five years old! a full-blown (or probably not) adult!

but i guess since he couldn't capture that gold medal and he's getting a little senile due to advanced age, they're easing the restrictions on him and allowing him to have a girlfriend. says his coach: "Both of them are old enough and it's normal." well, so long as it's normal...

WORD OF THE DAY - SEP 2 09

CAPITALIZE
VERB
1. TO WRITE OR PRINT IN CAPITAL LETTERS OR WITH AN INITIAL CAPITAL.
2. TO AUTHORIZE A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF STOCKS AND BONDS IN THE CORPORATE CHARTER OF: TO CAPITALIZE A CORPORATION.
3. TO ISSUE STOCK AS A DIVIDEND, THEREBY CAPITALIZING RETAINED EARNINGS, OR AS SETTLEMENT OF AN UNPAID ARREARAGE OF PREFERRED DIVIDENDS.
4. ACCOUNTING. TO SET UP (EXPENDITURES) AS BUSINESS ASSETS IN THE BOOK OF ACCOUNT INSTEAD OF TREATING AS EXPENSE.
5. TO SUPPLY WITH CAPITAL
6. TO ESTIMATE THE VALUE OF (A STOCK OR AN ENTERPRISE).
7. TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF; TURN SOMETHING TO ONE'S ADVANTAGE (OFTEN FOL. BY ON): TO CAPITALIZE ON ONE'S OPPORTUNITIES.

AWESOME!!!

MULTIPLE EXCLAMATION MARKS ARE AWESOME TOO!!!!!!!!!

word of the day - sep 1 09

rictus
noun
1. the gape of the mouth, as of birds.
2. a gaping grin or grimace.

smokey's got a tip for you