i, personally, don't know any teenagers who are concerned about the second coming.
if there are any out there, they must be scared shitless... and being scared shitless isn't anyway to live.
Friday, February 29, 2008
and the day cometh and it shall be AWESOME!
THIS is one of the many, many, many reasons any sort of organized religion gives me the heeby-jeebies.
thoughts...
the food edition
how can frothy chocolate milk taste SOOO much better than chocolate milk with less kinetic energy added???
why is eating grated cheese like putting heaven on your tounge while eating blocks of cheese is like trying not to gag on pieces of styrofoam???
how can frothy chocolate milk taste SOOO much better than chocolate milk with less kinetic energy added???
why is eating grated cheese like putting heaven on your tounge while eating blocks of cheese is like trying not to gag on pieces of styrofoam???
Thursday, February 28, 2008
the bright lights!
my head is positively swimming and staring at the computer screen is just making matters worse...
i'm thinking of voting for my headache for "best annoyance in a supporting role of being a pain in my ass"
no more posts today... have a great weekend!
UPDATE: i totally thought it was friday and it was only thursday! imagine how much worse my headache got when i started banging my head against the wall...
i'm thinking of voting for my headache for "best annoyance in a supporting role of being a pain in my ass"
no more posts today... have a great weekend!
UPDATE: i totally thought it was friday and it was only thursday! imagine how much worse my headache got when i started banging my head against the wall...
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
road rage
yeah? YEAH?!
even though you got the the 4-way stop intersection like 5 hours before me, you're still going to sit there like a stupid idiot and wait until i come to a full and complete stop before you even think about taking your foot off the brake... good stuff... you slowed life down just enough to throw off earth's rotational axis and now we're all going to die. congrats.
even though you got the the 4-way stop intersection like 5 hours before me, you're still going to sit there like a stupid idiot and wait until i come to a full and complete stop before you even think about taking your foot off the brake... good stuff... you slowed life down just enough to throw off earth's rotational axis and now we're all going to die. congrats.
120 minutes and 3.2 seconds of glory
the ridiculous ass-clowns that are the ottawa senators failed once again to score any goals last night against boston, tying a team shut-out streak of 2.
alfred-clown & co. were shut-out by the leafs (!!! it's really hard to believe, i know... but it's true!) the night before.
the last time ottawa scored was feb. 23 against pittsburgh when alfred-clown scored the winning goal with 3.2 seconds remaining in the third.
at least if i can't watch my team win (consistently) i can watch my least favourite team lose.
by the by, i just thought you'd want to know that the official slogan for the "sens army" (fans) is:
The Loud. The Proud.
sounds A LOT like another type of army that i've heard about...
dammit! i missed polka-roo AGAIN!
alfred-clown & co. were shut-out by the leafs (!!! it's really hard to believe, i know... but it's true!) the night before.
the last time ottawa scored was feb. 23 against pittsburgh when alfred-clown scored the winning goal with 3.2 seconds remaining in the third.
at least if i can't watch my team win (consistently) i can watch my least favourite team lose.
by the by, i just thought you'd want to know that the official slogan for the "sens army" (fans) is:
The Loud. The Proud.
sounds A LOT like another type of army that i've heard about...
dammit! i missed polka-roo AGAIN!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
learn something new every single day
arithmomania
a mental disorder where in sufferers have a strong compulsion to count their actions or objects in their surroundings... [source]
and the top pop culture reference when it comes to arithmomania?
sesame street's count von count! natch.
a mental disorder where in sufferers have a strong compulsion to count their actions or objects in their surroundings... [source]
and the top pop culture reference when it comes to arithmomania?
sesame street's count von count! natch.
letter writing - feb. 26 2008
dear stinky,
personal hygiene, it's not just for the cool kids anymore. you might want to give it a try because you smell. every time you come around i literally gag. bathing (with soap!), deoderant, eau de toilette... they are ALL very good things. but i know they're new to you so try not to be afraid.
did you notice when you were at my desk today simultaneously making-up and explaining your project to me how i was surpressing the urge to vomit every few seconds?? how i stopped breathing through my nose? how even though my nose was running like a tap that i still refrained from using my nose? how i literally ran to the bathroom when you were finally finished?
i'm afraid you've gone nose-deaf... you can no longer sense your own smell and therefore have no idea the effects on others. i'm not trying to be mean, i'm merely looking out for the health and well-being of my fellow employees.
nectarines & nose plugs,
jenn
personal hygiene, it's not just for the cool kids anymore. you might want to give it a try because you smell. every time you come around i literally gag. bathing (with soap!), deoderant, eau de toilette... they are ALL very good things. but i know they're new to you so try not to be afraid.
did you notice when you were at my desk today simultaneously making-up and explaining your project to me how i was surpressing the urge to vomit every few seconds?? how i stopped breathing through my nose? how even though my nose was running like a tap that i still refrained from using my nose? how i literally ran to the bathroom when you were finally finished?
i'm afraid you've gone nose-deaf... you can no longer sense your own smell and therefore have no idea the effects on others. i'm not trying to be mean, i'm merely looking out for the health and well-being of my fellow employees.
nectarines & nose plugs,
jenn
Monday, February 25, 2008
i am so smart S-M-R-T
today i have thricely turned off my power bar (attached to which is my computer, desk lamp, clock, and phone) by accident in the process of trying to unplug something in order to plug in the charger for... my nintendo ds... at work...
yay me!
yay me!
the 80th academy snore...
anyone else find the oscar's a little boring this year?
(except for possibly the gary busey incident...)
pretty much predictable wins in all the major categories...
no wacky-tacky fashions...
thoughts?
(except for possibly the gary busey incident...)
pretty much predictable wins in all the major categories...
no wacky-tacky fashions...
thoughts?
grandma driving 101
so when i was going home for lunch today, i was chugging along at at just slower than the speed of a snail behind this minivan which i was unable to pass seeing as it was pacing the giant diet coke truck (in the truck's giant-ass blind spot might i add) who was creeping along looking to the drop point for his load of ever so precious cargo.
we're approaching a traffic light at this inhuman pace when it turns yellow... even though the minivan is litterally inches from the big white line the driver decides she (it's just easier to assign a gender to "the minivan driver" instead of using "the minivan driver" all the time and "she" seemed appropriate 'cause odds are...) wants to stop... i was fully prepared to follow her right through the intersection but she remember something her driving instructor told her way back when about slowing down for yellow lights. so she hits the brakes and manages to come to a stop with her nose hanging out in the middle of the intersection. i, being the excellent driver that i am, make a perfect and controlled stop well behind the big white line - and besides, its really not that hard to stop when old men with canes are passing you.
but there's doofus (is that the correct technical spelling?) in the minivan partially obstructing traffic and she's just fine with that. she's all "i stopped, i'm a good girl! i didn't go through the intersection when the ligh wasn't green... i just stopped in the middle of it and that's less against the law, right?"
we're approaching a traffic light at this inhuman pace when it turns yellow... even though the minivan is litterally inches from the big white line the driver decides she (it's just easier to assign a gender to "the minivan driver" instead of using "the minivan driver" all the time and "she" seemed appropriate 'cause odds are...) wants to stop... i was fully prepared to follow her right through the intersection but she remember something her driving instructor told her way back when about slowing down for yellow lights. so she hits the brakes and manages to come to a stop with her nose hanging out in the middle of the intersection. i, being the excellent driver that i am, make a perfect and controlled stop well behind the big white line - and besides, its really not that hard to stop when old men with canes are passing you.
but there's doofus (is that the correct technical spelling?) in the minivan partially obstructing traffic and she's just fine with that. she's all "i stopped, i'm a good girl! i didn't go through the intersection when the ligh wasn't green... i just stopped in the middle of it and that's less against the law, right?"
co-habitation
so i might be getting a new neighbour here at the place i go during the day (i would just the term "work" but very rarely does that verb ever transistion into a verb...)
it wouldn't be so bad but you see my personal area is less like a cubicle and more like and open-faced sandwich in the fact that it has only one side and the rest is open for all to see and land on when dropped.
so it won't so much be a neighbour so much as a roommate seeing as we're sitting in a corridor together.
i'm quaking in my boots with the anticipation of all the productivity i'm going to have to some how invent because i'm going to soon have a full-time shoulder-glancer-overer!! now it's not just when people walk by that i have to look like i'm being an active member of the company, i have to do it ALL THE TIME!
and then there will be the introducing and the getting to know someone new and all the questions and the interacting with PEOPLE! no being left alone with my minimal work and my mindless internet-ing!
needless to say i'm not looking forward to this... methinks there might be a lot of "open letters" during the adjustment period.
it wouldn't be so bad but you see my personal area is less like a cubicle and more like and open-faced sandwich in the fact that it has only one side and the rest is open for all to see and land on when dropped.
so it won't so much be a neighbour so much as a roommate seeing as we're sitting in a corridor together.
i'm quaking in my boots with the anticipation of all the productivity i'm going to have to some how invent because i'm going to soon have a full-time shoulder-glancer-overer!! now it's not just when people walk by that i have to look like i'm being an active member of the company, i have to do it ALL THE TIME!
and then there will be the introducing and the getting to know someone new and all the questions and the interacting with PEOPLE! no being left alone with my minimal work and my mindless internet-ing!
needless to say i'm not looking forward to this... methinks there might be a lot of "open letters" during the adjustment period.
gah gah goo goo
as you may or may not be aware of, i've been pining for babies recently...
and along with buying up a store of clothes for my future child's entire life i've also been doing some reading about how to care for babies... and when i say reading i mean looking at helpful flash cards like this one:
and i really don't see what's wrong with either of these methods on making baby happy... i do that to my little sister ALL THE TIME!
ordinary day
the scene:
me, blow drying my hair (in just sweats AND MY BRA! yeah, thanks for knocking!) in our gutted bathroom (remember the day the toilet exploded?)
my dad, hanging out the bathroom window with a shovel trying to push the snow off the roof over the front vestible
my mom, in her "lambs with tams" nightgown watching everything go down
just another ordinary day at my house... nothing strange about it, nope not one little thing.
me, blow drying my hair (in just sweats AND MY BRA! yeah, thanks for knocking!) in our gutted bathroom (remember the day the toilet exploded?)
my dad, hanging out the bathroom window with a shovel trying to push the snow off the roof over the front vestible
my mom, in her "lambs with tams" nightgown watching everything go down
just another ordinary day at my house... nothing strange about it, nope not one little thing.
Friday, February 22, 2008
midas touch
SEE?!? not everything Apple touches turns to gold!
there was 1996's gaming system attempted in collaboration with bandai pippin... ever seen a commercial for one of these???
and there was the prohibitively expensive ($3500) Apple III released in 1980... "customers who experienced problems with the unit were instructed to lift the machine three inches and drop it in order to reseat the chips" riiights... how very technical!
from 1993-1998 the tried the Apple Newton that was another disappointment...
they finally got their shit together and pulled out of a joint Motorola/iTunes phone/music player that launched in 2005 as the 1st phone intergrated with music.
joint venture? HA! hello iPod, hello iPhone... hello unecessay yearly updates to every single product... it's like cars! instead of the 2008 toyota corolla, we have the 2008 iPod [inset product name here]
[source]
would you do him?
say hello to edison chen...
apparently he's a major stud over in hong kong because he's slept with just about everyone there!
but he's quitting the entertainment business after a shitload of "intimate" pictures of him with a plethora of h.k. starlets, wives of h.k. businessmen, and allegedly mafia gals (word is there's a hit out on him) leaked on the internet.
his brain MUST be in his dick because he forgot to take the pics off his computer when he sent it to be repaired.
[source]
best aritcle teaser of the week
"Good lovin' on the job"
the award-winning (possibly oscar-worthy) teaser --> Apparently, 34% of Canadians admit to having dipped their pen into the company ink jar.
what? WHAT?! who writes stuff like that???
the award-winning (possibly oscar-worthy) teaser --> Apparently, 34% of Canadians admit to having dipped their pen into the company ink jar.
what? WHAT?! who writes stuff like that???
Thursday, February 21, 2008
a lesson on the influence of intoxicants
mr. steven stein of vancouver was riding the rails... but not in the way you'd think.
mr. steven "i like the sauce" stein was driving his white pontiac on the tracks of portland's underground MAX train service.
not only did stevie's little mishap disrupt service for over 5 hours but drunky mcdrunkersons also caused about $60,000 worth of damage! AND now he's probably gonna be doing some time for criminal charges like "driving under the influence of intoxicants"
[source]
mr. steven "i like the sauce" stein was driving his white pontiac on the tracks of portland's underground MAX train service.
not only did stevie's little mishap disrupt service for over 5 hours but drunky mcdrunkersons also caused about $60,000 worth of damage! AND now he's probably gonna be doing some time for criminal charges like "driving under the influence of intoxicants"
[source]
file under "huh?"
"Man charged after allegedly stealing camel marionette"
i guess there's not much else to do in kingston...
i guess there's not much else to do in kingston...
thoughts...
not that i'm a habitual watcher but did anyone else hear paula abdul call one of those girls' outfits "dope" on last night's american idol?
p.s. - is it me or is paula abdul looking a lot (and i mena A LOT) like michael jackson these days?
p.s. - is it me or is paula abdul looking a lot (and i mena A LOT) like michael jackson these days?
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
small things...
who knew somethig so small (say like a cracked toilet) could cause so much trouble (say a total home renovation)???
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
holy f-bomb batman!
"Castro resigns Cuban presidency"
quoth alyssa:
Whoah...
Hard to believe.
I admire that man more than Jesus
quoth alyssa:
Whoah...
Hard to believe.
I admire that man more than Jesus
word of the day
virago
noun
1. a woman of extraordinary stature, strength, and courage.
2. a woman regarded as loud, scolding, ill-tempered, quarrelsome, or overbearing.
or in other words, a bitch...
1. --> woman's definition
2. --> man's definition
noun
1. a woman of extraordinary stature, strength, and courage.
2. a woman regarded as loud, scolding, ill-tempered, quarrelsome, or overbearing.
or in other words, a bitch...
1. --> woman's definition
2. --> man's definition
out of context
first text message of the day, 7:59AM, to my sister
so one of our toilets blew up and now the house is wet... do you want me to tell mom you're coming?
so one of our toilets blew up and now the house is wet... do you want me to tell mom you're coming?
Friday, February 15, 2008
anecdote
so i don't really feel like writing about actual stuff today...
so instead i'm going to relate a little story that happened to me the other day.
i was wearing this really nice striped GAP (product endorsement deals here i come) sweater and it has a bit of a distorting effect wherein it makes my boobs look bigger than usual... i was getting my coat on to go outside and for whatever reason i'm looking down at the girls and one looks like it;s sticking out further than the other... this is nothing new since i, like a healthy proportion of women, have lopsided boobs - one is bigger than the other. but the WRONG BOOB was jutting out! and then i had to think to myself is that actually the smaller one?? mind blank, can't remember! so i give them a tap to assure myself - no help, my super nipple containing bra isn't about to let me figure it out by touch alone. i have to physically pull the neck of my shirt out and have a look down there! and it IS my gimpy boob that looks like it's jutting out and trying to outshine it's plumper sister!
turns out, it was just me sweater playing trick on my eyes. upon adjusting it so the stripes were arranged in the proper, horizonal position, everything was back to normal, big and small boobs back on their respective sides.
would you believe that was the highlight of my day?
so instead i'm going to relate a little story that happened to me the other day.
i was wearing this really nice striped GAP (product endorsement deals here i come) sweater and it has a bit of a distorting effect wherein it makes my boobs look bigger than usual... i was getting my coat on to go outside and for whatever reason i'm looking down at the girls and one looks like it;s sticking out further than the other... this is nothing new since i, like a healthy proportion of women, have lopsided boobs - one is bigger than the other. but the WRONG BOOB was jutting out! and then i had to think to myself is that actually the smaller one?? mind blank, can't remember! so i give them a tap to assure myself - no help, my super nipple containing bra isn't about to let me figure it out by touch alone. i have to physically pull the neck of my shirt out and have a look down there! and it IS my gimpy boob that looks like it's jutting out and trying to outshine it's plumper sister!
turns out, it was just me sweater playing trick on my eyes. upon adjusting it so the stripes were arranged in the proper, horizonal position, everything was back to normal, big and small boobs back on their respective sides.
would you believe that was the highlight of my day?
Thursday, February 14, 2008
fake love
more valentine's day fun!
check out tv guide's list of couples we will never forget... it's had to forget some of them when i've never heard of them before...
10) mulder & scully, the x-files
9) david & maddie, moonlighting
8) kevin arnold & winnie cooper, the wonder years
7) luke and lorelai, gilmore girls
6) carrie & big, sex and the city
5) cliff & claire huxtable, the cosby show
4) buffy & angel, buffy the vampire slayer
3) rob & laura petrie, the dick van dyke show
2) ross & rachel, friends
and... drumroll please!
1) ricky & lucy ricardo, i love lucy
check out tv guide's list of couples we will never forget... it's had to forget some of them when i've never heard of them before...
10) mulder & scully, the x-files
9) david & maddie, moonlighting
8) kevin arnold & winnie cooper, the wonder years
7) luke and lorelai, gilmore girls
6) carrie & big, sex and the city
5) cliff & claire huxtable, the cosby show
4) buffy & angel, buffy the vampire slayer
3) rob & laura petrie, the dick van dyke show
2) ross & rachel, friends
and... drumroll please!
1) ricky & lucy ricardo, i love lucy
soda makes the heart grow fonder
check this out:
The Jones Soda Co. Worst Valentine's Day Ever Contest
i wish i had a sob story to tell so i could have a case of CHOCOLATE FUDGE SODA!
The Jones Soda Co. Worst Valentine's Day Ever Contest
i wish i had a sob story to tell so i could have a case of CHOCOLATE FUDGE SODA!
packing the inches
so it's valentine's day... possibly THE most feared occassion all year... so i'm here to share an amusing tidbit with you to lessen the stress of finding the perfect gift or to distract you from the fact that you're alone... you know i do it because i care...
anyway, according to a british study a whopping 47% of men surveyed would trade sex for a 50" plasma tv! that is, they'd be willing to give up sex for 6 months to have this television!
here are some other things people would give up sex for:
~ chocolate
~ a better golf swing (really?!? would would reather golf than get some??)
~ $1 million
~ a new wardrobe
~ another bite of that delicious steak sub... (this one can't be real, can it?)
~ the chance to live to 100 (i still maintain that i don't want to live that long - i'd get bored!)
~ a good night's sleep (have sex right before you sleep and you'll have NO problem sleeping...)
~ a date with brad pitt (is it just me or is brad pitt turning into robert redford?? and who really wants a date with robert redford? i mean maybe back in the day... but nowadays... i'm just saying.)
so people, what say you? would you give up sex for a 50" plasma???
you can go ahead and vote a waaaaaay down at the bottom of the page... but be quick, the pool closes FEBRUARY 20th at noon! stand up and be counted!
anyway, according to a british study a whopping 47% of men surveyed would trade sex for a 50" plasma tv! that is, they'd be willing to give up sex for 6 months to have this television!
here are some other things people would give up sex for:
~ chocolate
~ a better golf swing (really?!? would would reather golf than get some??)
~ $1 million
~ a new wardrobe
~ another bite of that delicious steak sub... (this one can't be real, can it?)
~ the chance to live to 100 (i still maintain that i don't want to live that long - i'd get bored!)
~ a good night's sleep (have sex right before you sleep and you'll have NO problem sleeping...)
~ a date with brad pitt (is it just me or is brad pitt turning into robert redford?? and who really wants a date with robert redford? i mean maybe back in the day... but nowadays... i'm just saying.)
so people, what say you? would you give up sex for a 50" plasma???
you can go ahead and vote a waaaaaay down at the bottom of the page... but be quick, the pool closes FEBRUARY 20th at noon! stand up and be counted!
word of the day
amative
adjective
disposed to love; relating ot inclined toward love, especially sexual love; amorous
adjective
disposed to love; relating ot inclined toward love, especially sexual love; amorous
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
letter writing - feb. 13 2008
dear mr. sloppy mclives-in-a-sty-a-lot,
stop coming around my desk with your mucky-muck wet boots on! you're leaving little wet spots in the carpet that i in my sock feet (you see, i take off my shoes just at the edge of my office area so i might avoid creating a puddle under my desk) might step in.
wet socks make for cold feet and having wet, cold feet makes me a grumpy person. you see, i don't have individual heat control due to the fact that my office only has one wall so i can't go make it all cozy in my little doored office. i have to be content with central heating and it don't work so well... so i'm EVEN COLDER and probably less inclined to do the work you've tromped over here in you wet booties.
and don't try to deny it... the wet, salt-crusted bootie prints lead right to your office! so next time you're thinking of walking through every puddle in the parking lot, please think of others in your office and definitely think of the cleaning staff.
dingos & dwarfs,
jenn
stop coming around my desk with your mucky-muck wet boots on! you're leaving little wet spots in the carpet that i in my sock feet (you see, i take off my shoes just at the edge of my office area so i might avoid creating a puddle under my desk) might step in.
wet socks make for cold feet and having wet, cold feet makes me a grumpy person. you see, i don't have individual heat control due to the fact that my office only has one wall so i can't go make it all cozy in my little doored office. i have to be content with central heating and it don't work so well... so i'm EVEN COLDER and probably less inclined to do the work you've tromped over here in you wet booties.
and don't try to deny it... the wet, salt-crusted bootie prints lead right to your office! so next time you're thinking of walking through every puddle in the parking lot, please think of others in your office and definitely think of the cleaning staff.
dingos & dwarfs,
jenn
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
thoughts...
they actually pay people money to compile a Harlequin Romance Report?
no wonder "Canadians are deeper in debt than ever"...
oh yeah baby - 2 for 1! i'm awesome like that.
no wonder "Canadians are deeper in debt than ever"...
oh yeah baby - 2 for 1! i'm awesome like that.
tickling my funny bone...
"Report: Singapore retailer pulls 'Jesus' cosmetics after complaints" looking good for jesus???
virtuous vanilla lip balm?!?
get tight with christ cream!?!
bah-hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
that's hysterical!
even I would buy that shit! just because of the irony!
Monday, February 11, 2008
thoughts...
is it wrong that i have to take off clothes to go outside IN THE WINTER???
it's THAT chilly in my office. i have an extra sweater here that i wear to keep my nose from turning into a popsicle... complete with booger icicles.
it's THAT chilly in my office. i have an extra sweater here that i wear to keep my nose from turning into a popsicle... complete with booger icicles.
more from the annals of the lame...
"Rock stars courted for curling reality show"
Bon Jovi, Springsteen, said to be closet curlers, courted for NBC series that could lead to the Olympics
geezes... curling is nearly as bad as golfing!
even is bon jovi is on this piece-o-crap, it's going to fail and fail miserably...
Bon Jovi, Springsteen, said to be closet curlers, courted for NBC series that could lead to the Olympics
geezes... curling is nearly as bad as golfing!
even is bon jovi is on this piece-o-crap, it's going to fail and fail miserably...
bang for your buck
"Gun-shaped bottle causes stir"
forget about the accompanying story (even though it's slightly amusing), i was more interested in the liquor itself!
what an awesome bottle! i want one, i want one, I WANT ONE! lot's of special present-giving ocassions are fast approaching: valentine's day, family day, daylight savings, st. partrick's day, good friday, easter monday, april fool's day, my birthday... all those holidays - totally appropriate to give alcohol for! especially alcohol in sub machine gun shaped bottles!
not only is there tequila but also vodka!
forget about the accompanying story (even though it's slightly amusing), i was more interested in the liquor itself!
what an awesome bottle! i want one, i want one, I WANT ONE! lot's of special present-giving ocassions are fast approaching: valentine's day, family day, daylight savings, st. partrick's day, good friday, easter monday, april fool's day, my birthday... all those holidays - totally appropriate to give alcohol for! especially alcohol in sub machine gun shaped bottles!
not only is there tequila but also vodka!
Sunday, February 10, 2008
what the what?
where can i get me one of these?i heard they're the latest thing in milan this year...
Friday, February 8, 2008
daily dose of gross...
don't even ask how i found out about this but...
this is pretty gross...
it's a weight loss product called alli... (to be clear, i am in no way endorsing this product or any weight loss product - they all give me the heeby-geebies!)
blah blah blah all over the site about it being a "plan" and a "lifestyle change" and "being comfortable with yourself" and "safe, effective weight loss"
apparently, "it works in your digestive system, not in your heart or brain" (and by the way i'm going to be using a lot of "quotes" in this one because i find the language they use on the website ever so amusing... you can feel free to make the "air quotes" as many times as you want.)
here's the scoop:
The active ingredient in alli attaches to some of the natural enzymes in the digestive system, preventing them from breaking down about a quarter of the fat you eat. Undigested fat cannot be absorbed and passes through the body naturally. The excess fat is not harmful. in fact, you may recognized it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza.
eww... so it tinkers with your insides... and you get to examine the results in the toilet... charming. MUCH better than picking from a selection of delicious pre-portioned meals or running on the treadmill 3 times a week.
there's more: alli doesn't work very well with high fat diets... so even before you start this product they instruct you to begin cutting back the fat in your diet... they're so specific as to say 15 grams of fat per meal is best. you should also continue to cut the fat from your diet while you're on "the plan." so, for their miracle non-diet pill to work, you have to diet yourself. is the pill even doing anything? you're eating healthier... that'll lose you a fair amount of weight right there! but please still but the pills because THEY are what's really making you shed the pounds. however, the non-fat is important because it can help you reduce the "treatment effects"...
so if you had a peep at the website, it's all nice colours, rounded text, gentle language... all is all a very soothing website to put you at ease and make you more comfortable reading about/using this product. calm, like bunnies hopping about in a sunny field with corn flowers and jauntily painted easter eggs strewn artfully about... hop little bunny, hop!
then, flash to satanic flames, bunnies impaled on stalactites, ominous music, maniacal cackling... BOOMING EVIL VOICE: Treatment effects may include: gas with oily spotting, looses stools, more frequent stools that may be hard to control!!!
flash back to the happy, hoppy bunnies in the sunny field... Lah lah lah... All is well! You're on a plan, you're feeling healthier, you're taking control of your life!
the amusement that follows in the "how to manage treatment effects" section is hysterical!
~ While no one like experiencing treatment effects, thy might help you think twice about eating questionable fat content. If you think of it like that, alli can act like a security guard for your late-night cravings. --> EAT WHAT I SAY OR DIE! DIE OF AWFUL PUBLIC HUMILIATION!!! security guards aren't really scary but if he threatened me with exploding diarrhea i would definitely take him seriously!
~ You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work.
i'm not sure why anyone in their right minds would take this... or how anyone could read/write all the stuff on this website and still take themselves seriously! i just thought i'd share with you all so you could have a wicked awesome day! hopefully, with no oily gas...
cheers!
this is pretty gross...
it's a weight loss product called alli... (to be clear, i am in no way endorsing this product or any weight loss product - they all give me the heeby-geebies!)blah blah blah all over the site about it being a "plan" and a "lifestyle change" and "being comfortable with yourself" and "safe, effective weight loss"
apparently, "it works in your digestive system, not in your heart or brain" (and by the way i'm going to be using a lot of "quotes" in this one because i find the language they use on the website ever so amusing... you can feel free to make the "air quotes" as many times as you want.)
here's the scoop:
The active ingredient in alli attaches to some of the natural enzymes in the digestive system, preventing them from breaking down about a quarter of the fat you eat. Undigested fat cannot be absorbed and passes through the body naturally. The excess fat is not harmful. in fact, you may recognized it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza.
eww... so it tinkers with your insides... and you get to examine the results in the toilet... charming. MUCH better than picking from a selection of delicious pre-portioned meals or running on the treadmill 3 times a week.
there's more: alli doesn't work very well with high fat diets... so even before you start this product they instruct you to begin cutting back the fat in your diet... they're so specific as to say 15 grams of fat per meal is best. you should also continue to cut the fat from your diet while you're on "the plan." so, for their miracle non-diet pill to work, you have to diet yourself. is the pill even doing anything? you're eating healthier... that'll lose you a fair amount of weight right there! but please still but the pills because THEY are what's really making you shed the pounds. however, the non-fat is important because it can help you reduce the "treatment effects"...
so if you had a peep at the website, it's all nice colours, rounded text, gentle language... all is all a very soothing website to put you at ease and make you more comfortable reading about/using this product. calm, like bunnies hopping about in a sunny field with corn flowers and jauntily painted easter eggs strewn artfully about... hop little bunny, hop!
then, flash to satanic flames, bunnies impaled on stalactites, ominous music, maniacal cackling... BOOMING EVIL VOICE: Treatment effects may include: gas with oily spotting, looses stools, more frequent stools that may be hard to control!!!
flash back to the happy, hoppy bunnies in the sunny field... Lah lah lah... All is well! You're on a plan, you're feeling healthier, you're taking control of your life!
the amusement that follows in the "how to manage treatment effects" section is hysterical!
~ While no one like experiencing treatment effects, thy might help you think twice about eating questionable fat content. If you think of it like that, alli can act like a security guard for your late-night cravings. --> EAT WHAT I SAY OR DIE! DIE OF AWFUL PUBLIC HUMILIATION!!! security guards aren't really scary but if he threatened me with exploding diarrhea i would definitely take him seriously!
~ You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work.
i'm not sure why anyone in their right minds would take this... or how anyone could read/write all the stuff on this website and still take themselves seriously! i just thought i'd share with you all so you could have a wicked awesome day! hopefully, with no oily gas...
cheers!
everything will be simply ma-velous, dahling...
so in case you live under a rock, jennifer lopez is running about town in 4-inch stilettos looking about to pop any day now... she's aiming for a february 14th delivery date... ugh... how cliche... but that day is also important so she can "make the deadlines for the weekly magazine covers"!!!
i used to like... well maybe not like... maybe respect is a better word... i used to respect j.lo because she was such a dynamo (minus the acting... maid in manhatten? really?) but now i just keeping thinking she's getting a little crazier (the carziness could also be linked to her relationship with mark anthony but let's not get into that) with everyday of her pregnancy! diva diva DIVA! bitch seems like she's the first person ever in the world to have a baby and damned if it won't be spectacular!
first there was the ridiculousness of the CUSTOM COTURE HOSPITAL GOWNS!!! IN FOUR DIFFERENT COLOURS! because you know, you gotta have costume changes throughout the show or the fans will get unrurly... the website that slings this shit has a message that says Having a baby is an extraordinary experience and moms deserve to wear something better than an ordinary hospital gown. gag! there's a freaking apendaged watermelon sliding out of you with all manner of other bodily fluids! but by all means, by a $65 "whimsical" hospital gown and dirty it up good! you can frame it and put it on the wall in the nursery!
then there was the nurseries (yes, multiple. 3 in fact!) that cost more than GDP of some small countries! $1200,000 EACH!!! and AND there's the imported furniture... from france! with 18 karat gold on the legs and knobs! and and and... wait for it... the rooms even have crystal chandeliers! WTF??? gold and chandeliers? these are babies, right? she's no giving birth to the queen of england by any chance is she? with mark "i want to suck your bolld!" anthony's DNA in the mix, she'll be lucky if her spawn are as cute as the queen of england!
ugh... my babies are going to have cardboard boxes for cribs and i'm going to wear a garbage bag for delivery.
i used to like... well maybe not like... maybe respect is a better word... i used to respect j.lo because she was such a dynamo (minus the acting... maid in manhatten? really?) but now i just keeping thinking she's getting a little crazier (the carziness could also be linked to her relationship with mark anthony but let's not get into that) with everyday of her pregnancy! diva diva DIVA! bitch seems like she's the first person ever in the world to have a baby and damned if it won't be spectacular!
first there was the ridiculousness of the CUSTOM COTURE HOSPITAL GOWNS!!! IN FOUR DIFFERENT COLOURS! because you know, you gotta have costume changes throughout the show or the fans will get unrurly... the website that slings this shit has a message that says Having a baby is an extraordinary experience and moms deserve to wear something better than an ordinary hospital gown. gag! there's a freaking apendaged watermelon sliding out of you with all manner of other bodily fluids! but by all means, by a $65 "whimsical" hospital gown and dirty it up good! you can frame it and put it on the wall in the nursery!
then there was the nurseries (yes, multiple. 3 in fact!) that cost more than GDP of some small countries! $1200,000 EACH!!! and AND there's the imported furniture... from france! with 18 karat gold on the legs and knobs! and and and... wait for it... the rooms even have crystal chandeliers! WTF??? gold and chandeliers? these are babies, right? she's no giving birth to the queen of england by any chance is she? with mark "i want to suck your bolld!" anthony's DNA in the mix, she'll be lucky if her spawn are as cute as the queen of england!
ugh... my babies are going to have cardboard boxes for cribs and i'm going to wear a garbage bag for delivery.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
picture of the week - feb. 7
wallace and his very manly purse...we found them in a mall when we went crazy cross-border shopping back before christmas!
they're so interesting... i'm undecided whether to be caught dead carrying one...
happy new job, wally!
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
retching...
"WholesomeWear is a modest line of clothing for "wherever." Our WaterWear is the first to be introduced because the need for modesty is swimwear is greatest and the supply is almost non-existent. Swimwear that "highlights the face, rather than the body" includes an undergarment with bright colours at the neck and shoulders to draw the eye to the face. The spandex undergarment fits like a body suit, whole the loose fitting Taslan outer garment limits cling and adds modesty and style."
i don't know quite what it is about this line of "swimwear" but every time i'm reminded of it, i feel like puking. usually i'm so flabbergasted that these things exists i can barely gather my thoughts on the subject... i'm left stammering like an idiot and pulling my hair out in frustration! only a series of half questions ever manage to leave my mouth... wha...? why...? who would...? bwah...? but...?
how can anyone (female or male) be THAT ashamed of the female form??? it's like saying your body is hidious, please to cover so we don't have to see.
even bathing suits back in the 1920 were were less bulky than that!
and new bathing suits specifically designed for muslim women (possibly one of THE MOST conservative/modest cultures in the world) are pretty rockin'!! they are actually pretty and don't make me at all want to throw up at all! i'd wear this ages before hell officially froze over and i wore anything called a culotte swimmer!
the closest thing in history that compares to these abominations is possible a "bathing dress" from back in 1858 for crying out loud! back in the dark ages of women's rights! an ankle! ~*gasp!*~ at least this sucker is belted so it has some shape!
also, using the terms "scoop-necked romper" and "stylish" or "spandex" and "modest" in the same sentence is obviously some sort of gramatical error... maybe if you carried the 2?
and lastly, isn't this john travolta???
i don't know quite what it is about this line of "swimwear" but every time i'm reminded of it, i feel like puking. usually i'm so flabbergasted that these things exists i can barely gather my thoughts on the subject... i'm left stammering like an idiot and pulling my hair out in frustration! only a series of half questions ever manage to leave my mouth... wha...? why...? who would...? bwah...? but...?how can anyone (female or male) be THAT ashamed of the female form??? it's like saying your body is hidious, please to cover so we don't have to see.
even bathing suits back in the 1920 were were less bulky than that!
and new bathing suits specifically designed for muslim women (possibly one of THE MOST conservative/modest cultures in the world) are pretty rockin'!! they are actually pretty and don't make me at all want to throw up at all! i'd wear this ages before hell officially froze over and i wore anything called a culotte swimmer!the closest thing in history that compares to these abominations is possible a "bathing dress" from back in 1858 for crying out loud! back in the dark ages of women's rights! an ankle! ~*gasp!*~ at least this sucker is belted so it has some shape!also, using the terms "scoop-necked romper" and "stylish" or "spandex" and "modest" in the same sentence is obviously some sort of gramatical error... maybe if you carried the 2?and lastly, isn't this john travolta???
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
letter writing - feb. 5 08
dear whoever in the office with whom i must associate,
just because my "office" is situated in what one would traditionally call a hallway (i prefer the term one-sided cubicle) does not mean that you can just sneak up behind me and start talking to me.
first, it scares the living shit out of me when you do this because i can't see you coming (i face into the one wall of my cubicle) and you don't announce yourself; you just start talking about what you want/need (that's a whole other story... don't even get me started) me to do for you which brings us around to point number two.
don't automatically assume that i'm going to place your work at my highest priority. sure, it is rare that i have any pressing work to do but still... you know what that say about assuming... except that it mostly makes an ass out of only you. sometimes i'm working at something else and you come up and start talking to the back of my head and you expect me to just drop said something and suddenly pay full attention to you. yeah just launch right into it before i even have a chance to pay attention - that's an excellent strategy for getting me to know exactly what you want.
so please, when you come to my office, announce yourself and politely ask if i have the time would i mind working on this for you. it would make the office run a lot smoother... mostly because my spare time wouldn't be spent despising you. i have other more important things to do with my spare time.
rockets & rainbows,
jenn
just because my "office" is situated in what one would traditionally call a hallway (i prefer the term one-sided cubicle) does not mean that you can just sneak up behind me and start talking to me.
first, it scares the living shit out of me when you do this because i can't see you coming (i face into the one wall of my cubicle) and you don't announce yourself; you just start talking about what you want/need (that's a whole other story... don't even get me started) me to do for you which brings us around to point number two.
don't automatically assume that i'm going to place your work at my highest priority. sure, it is rare that i have any pressing work to do but still... you know what that say about assuming... except that it mostly makes an ass out of only you. sometimes i'm working at something else and you come up and start talking to the back of my head and you expect me to just drop said something and suddenly pay full attention to you. yeah just launch right into it before i even have a chance to pay attention - that's an excellent strategy for getting me to know exactly what you want.
so please, when you come to my office, announce yourself and politely ask if i have the time would i mind working on this for you. it would make the office run a lot smoother... mostly because my spare time wouldn't be spent despising you. i have other more important things to do with my spare time.
rockets & rainbows,
jenn
Monday, February 4, 2008
feeling old...
i know the irony of this is going to come around and bite me hard on the hind parts but here goes anyway...
my little sister was subjecting the family to watching much music just now... and i couldn't help thinking didn't much music used to be cool? i miss george strombolopolus, bill welychka, master t, and (god help us) even rick "sell-out" campanelli... i can't stand any of the current vjs... they make me want to claw my eyes out and stuff a couple dozen cotten balls in each of my ears! good sweet mike, mat babel has the musical credibility of a cheerio! i wonder how much make-up it takes to cover up the giant DOUCHE that's branded on his forehead.
my little sister was subjecting the family to watching much music just now... and i couldn't help thinking didn't much music used to be cool? i miss george strombolopolus, bill welychka, master t, and (god help us) even rick "sell-out" campanelli... i can't stand any of the current vjs... they make me want to claw my eyes out and stuff a couple dozen cotten balls in each of my ears! good sweet mike, mat babel has the musical credibility of a cheerio! i wonder how much make-up it takes to cover up the giant DOUCHE that's branded on his forehead.
revelation...
good sweet mike!
the entire time i attended university (aside from my first year where i stayed in rez) i was staying in a highly illegal "rooming house"
rooming house - a living accommodation being rented by more than two persons who aren't members of a single family that would normally occupy the dwelling.
i know they can fit a lot of people into a house in university towns like waterloo but can they fit 18?!? the place with the most rooms i stayed in - a bungalow (including basement) with 7 rooms... but that also included 2 kitchens/eating areas and 2 bathrooms... AND it was one of the nicest places i stayed!
the entire time i attended university (aside from my first year where i stayed in rez) i was staying in a highly illegal "rooming house"
rooming house - a living accommodation being rented by more than two persons who aren't members of a single family that would normally occupy the dwelling.
i know they can fit a lot of people into a house in university towns like waterloo but can they fit 18?!? the place with the most rooms i stayed in - a bungalow (including basement) with 7 rooms... but that also included 2 kitchens/eating areas and 2 bathrooms... AND it was one of the nicest places i stayed!
news from i-don't-believe-it-ville...
so was the world turned on it's head this weekend or what???
first, the down and out leafs actually won a game! not to mention it was against their arch-rivals the ottawa senators! ottawa's been kicking our tails all season along with just about every other teams. hurray for wee small bits of hope...
speaking of wee small bits of hope, the underdog ny giants beat the pants off the not-so-perfect-season ne patriots on superbowl sunday! can you freaking believe that??? crazy... i didn't watch the superbowl or any of the foo-far-ah that goes along with it but i did tune into the last 10 seconds of it hoping that it would be over and a new episode of nip/tuck would be on like the tv guide erroneously told me would be the case.
first, the down and out leafs actually won a game! not to mention it was against their arch-rivals the ottawa senators! ottawa's been kicking our tails all season along with just about every other teams. hurray for wee small bits of hope...
speaking of wee small bits of hope, the underdog ny giants beat the pants off the not-so-perfect-season ne patriots on superbowl sunday! can you freaking believe that??? crazy... i didn't watch the superbowl or any of the foo-far-ah that goes along with it but i did tune into the last 10 seconds of it hoping that it would be over and a new episode of nip/tuck would be on like the tv guide erroneously told me would be the case.
Friday, February 1, 2008
things to wrack your brain over the weekend
i got one of those chain e-mails the other day entitled "questions that haunt me" and i figured that since i didn't really have anything else to write about today i'd share my favourites with you... (stolen content is the best content)
how is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
if electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
how is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
if electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
it's snow fun outside...
driving:
hey, asswad! it's snowing like the coming of the second (or third?) iceage (i think i just saw a polar bear wander by...) and your tailgating me?!? what kind of crazy fuck are you? where the hell are you rushing too???
working:
are the people at your office FUCKING INSANE?!? i rolled in like 25 minutes late today due to all the SNOW, shovelling (coming down faster than i could scoop it away!), cautious driving, a disabled traffic light at the major intersection right at the highway (i swear, the traffic people just purposly shut the light down when the weather's bad just to watch the traffic cams and laugh... AND does no one know what a 4-way stop is??? how fucking important do you think you are that you don't have to stop and wait your turn just like everyone else???) wait... where was i? oh yeah, i was a mere 25 minutes late because of a lintany of storm-related holdups and when i got here EVERYONE WAS ALREADY HERE!!! the people here take their work way too frigging seriously! through hell or high water... or raging winter storms. if i ever get to the point where i feel that i HAVE to come to work every single day possible please shoot me if i haven't already done it myself. better shoot me even if i've already done it - just for good measure.
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