and now your day is ruined too...

unless you can stop yourself from clicking this link:

LINK


you probably shouldn't do it... look, right there in the title of this post it's telling you that it'll ruin your day!
but aren't you even a little curious?
plus, it's such a pretty link... just begging to be clicked! why don't you want to click the link?
what could possibly be under that link?
it ruined my day... but you're MUCH better than me... with your superior superior-ness, you can surely withstand whatever bothered pathetic little me so much!
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clicked it yet?
you're welcome.

no. thank. you.

behold the aptly named 'Insano' waterslide at the beach park in porto das dunas, brazil. it towers over other waterslides at a record of 41m - that's the same as a 14-storey building! the website describes the ride as having "an extremely rapid descent"... but really, is 105km/h really THAT fast? nah...

why not in heer'n 'murica?

japan is well-known for being the crazy capital of the world but who knew they could out-crazy the good old u s of a in the prestigious field of bacon?!?

"Burger King in Japan is currently running a promotion where you can add 15 strips of bacon to a burger for ~$1.25. So what did some reporter do? Went ALL IN and ordered 1,050 extra slices, creating this $90 monstrosity."

is it wrong that i have a pretty bad craving for bacon right now?

This Is Why Your Heart Stopped: 1,050 Bacon Slice Burger

captain obvious to the rescue!

Cigarette-smoking orangutan forced to go cold turkey

KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA -- A captive orangutan [named Shirley] often spotted smoking cigarettes given to her by zoo visitors is being forced to kick the habit, a Malaysian wildlife official said Monday.

[...]

Melaka Zoo Director Ahmad Azhar Mohammed said Shirley is not being provided with any more cigarettes because "smoking is not normal behaviour for orangutans."

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why thank you so much, melaka zoo director ahmad azhar mohammed... if you hadn't told me, i would have thought all orangs were two-pack-a-day smokers. from what i've seen, i would have assumed it was totally natural... i'm sure i've seen it on the national geographic channel or something.

my dream car

Driver of Motorized Beer Cooler Charged With Drunk Driving

NOOSA, Australia -- An Australian man caught driving a motorized cooler box [...] appeared in court charged with drunk driving, The Courier Mail reported Monday.

Christopher Ian Petrie, 23, faces charges of driving under the influence and driving without a license after police caught him on the makeshift vehicle, which was powered by a 50cc engine.

[...]

Petrie's lawyers won an adjournment from magistrate John Parker as they sough to establish "whether a motorized esky [cooler box] was in fact a motor vehicle."

An amused Parker inquired with Petrie about his cooler box's performance.

"How much beer can it hold?" he asked the defendant. Petrie told the court the cooler box could hold "at least a couple of cartons."

because i really just wanted to write "anal sphincter" a bunch of times

also, it's monday and i wanted to gross you out...
be glad i didn't subject you to the associated picture!

here instead is a picture of a chocolate starfish:

and then:

anal sphincter

anal sphincter
anal sphincter
anal sphincter
anal sphincter

anal sphincter

anal sphincter

Biologists grow replacement sphincters in mice

"Fecal incontinence because of degenerated or weakened internal anal sphincter (IAS) has a high incidence rate in aging populations. [...] Bioengineering could play a role in developing a translational approach to remedy fecal incontinence because of weakened IAS."

oh splendid, people are dying of horrible incurable diseases all over the world and these guys are spending their time and money making sure people don't shit themselves. A+

it's all in the phrasing

Best Trivial Pursuit Question Ever

as hilariously (and possibly unintentionally) lewd as that is, i was almost as amused with the comments section:

being viral makes viral thing go viral.

other 11' inch things at hogwarts here.

WARNING: definitely nsfw. and also nsfawdwtst - not safe for anyone who doesn't want to sleep tonight... the bravest of you who read it, i dare you to tell me you didn't cry a little bit in horror.

goldilocks was right to complain

this porridge is too hot... this porridge is too cold...

as whiny and selfish as that bitch (and criminal*) might have been, i'm siding with her now because i'm about to complain about something that everyone always chides me about - the weather.

the temperature is too hot... the temperature is too cold...

fuck you all. i'm complaining about the weather.

what happened to summer?
it was down right chilly this morning!
after a sweltering summer vacation in the city, it looks like summer is packing its bags and getting ready to head out.

while it was feeling like autumn overnight, i actually don't know if it's warmed up yet today... the weather network says it's like 20 out there now and projected to go up to 24 this afternoon. but instead of frolicking in the glorious sunshine, i'm sitting at my desk shivering and trying to warm myself with the glow of my computer monitor... clearly, my building's environmental controls still think the sun is set to frazzle.

don't get me wrong, i know it takes A LOT of energy and a fair amount of time to change the temperature of an entire building and yet here i am complaining... this happens every time the outside temperature changes more than infinitesimally. so really, there's nothing i can do other than whine. and demand porridge.
______________________________
* so everyone in the goldilocks story is a criminal... goldilocks can add breaking & entering to her rap sheet as well as property destruction and theft. and the bears? murder. ok, so that doesn't happen in all of the versions of the story... but if you think about it, do you think you'd escape with your life if you were sleeping in a grizzly bear's den when they came home? yeah, goldilocks getting eaten by the bears is the logical conclusion to the story - after all, they'd be hungry considering she ate all their delicious, delicious porridge.

in the end, aside from teaching children about opposites (hot-cold, hard-soft), what lessons is this story really teaching?? a little girl breaks into a house that's not hers, eats food that's not hers, breaks furniture that's (you guessed it) not hers. and then instead of doing the smart thing and getting the fuck outta dodge, she takes a nap, in plain view. if you go with the family-friendly ending, she wakes up when the bears come home and runs away. so at most, the consequence for all her criminal activity is that she gets scared.

moral of the story: do anything you want and everything will be fine so long as you don't get caught... except she DID get caught! the bears caught her sleeping in their house with porridge crust stuck in the corners of her mouth! call the fucking police!

horatio caine: when we catch this criminal, the punishment's going to be juuust right.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

i don't know WHAT i was thinking...

after reading that headline maybe a good half dozen times, my brain still wanted me to bellieve it said "Are new blood-sucking tits heading to Canada?"

and it didn't really occur to me that i might be misreading it so then my brain was further baffled trying to imagine what the hell a "blood-sucking tit" could possibly be and, more importantly, what they wanted in canada...

clearly, i need more sleep.

if you're tryely interested, the whole story is here.

you are what you eat

and apparently these people didn't eat anything with common sense as an ingredient...

Gourmet bakery's spelt scone not as healthy as advertised

the gist: this 'health food' place was selling fresh fruit scones and advertizing that they only had 220 calories. after an independent investigation, it turns out the scones had closer to 600 calories. people were upset.

my question: how could anyone believe that something as dense as a scone, especially one topped with "a generous portion" of sugary (read: cal-o-rific) fruits, could be anywhere near 200 calories? considering the scone in question "weighs almost half a pound" someone should have been asking questions about the legitimacy of the nutritional information..

the owner and one of the bakery workers were "surprised" byt the results because they "sourced the scone's nutrition information from the Internet." yup, the internet - where nothing is ever wrong.

dumb jokes for smart people

the title pretty much says it all... just because you're an intellectual doesn't make you immune from stupid jokes. here are some brainy puns that are sure to make you groan.

it's true... like getting that girl pregnant in high school.

peer pressure is intense.

but neither win against rock, paper, scissors, or my shoe.

but i always colour inside the lines.

go ahead, circle-lover! try an argue the point!

(ha! see what i did there? yeah, i used the same joke again... what of it?)

like chemistry cat? more here.

sure to win an award for journalistic excellence

well yes, me, of course... i'm all about integrity. and plagiarism.

but this has got to at least be the headline of the year:

'Extra sugar' at Dunkin' Donuts leads to prostitution charges

ROCKAWAY TOWNSHIP, N.J. -- Police say there was more on the menu than Munchkins and lattes during the late shift at a Dunkin' Donuts in northern New Jersey.

A 29-year-old female is facing prostitution charges after police say she took breaks to provide sex in exchange for money.

Rockaway Township police launched an investigation known as "extra sugar: after getting a tip about the workers activities at the shop.

Detective Sgt. Kyle Schwarzmann told The Daily Record of Parsippany he noticed that 29-year-old Melissa Redmond of Mine Hill would go out to cars and would spend 10 to 15 minutes in the vehicles.

Schwarzmann says Redmond was arrested after soliciting sex from an undercover officer.

No one at the Dunkin' Donuts wanted to comment.

behold, i come quickly

H Replacement FAIL

handful of cute

mama, can i have one?

more pictures here: Koala Joeys Galore for Australia's Dreamworld

more cookin' in your car

with this heatwave hopefully passing with the theatrical thunderstorms this morning, sticky, sweaty people and thirsty plants are breathing a sigh of relief. the heat has insiped people (particularly news-type people looking for a way to report on the weather other than saying "boy, is it ever hot!") to come up with some interesting culinary car creations. the other day we had a guy semi-successfully cook a roast & veggies in his car and now we've got this lady baking cookies!

Why does my car smell like cookies?