The Place With The Stuff

captain obvious to the rescue!

2011-09-12T13:02:00.000-04:00

Cigarette-smoking orangutan forced to go cold turkey

KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA -- A captive orangutan [named Shirley] often spotted smoking cigarettes given to her by zoo visitors is being forced to kick the habit, a Malaysian wildlife official said Monday.

[...]

Melaka Zoo Director Ahmad Azhar Mohammed said Shirley is not being provided with any more cigarettes because "smoking is not normal behaviour for orangutans."

--------------------

why thank you so much, melaka zoo director ahmad azhar mohammed... if you hadn't told me, i would have thought all orangs were two-pack-a-day smokers. from what i've seen, i would have assumed it was totally natural... i'm sure i've seen it on the national geographic channel or something.

my dream car

2011-08-16T16:36:00.001-04:00

Driver of Motorized Beer Cooler Charged With Drunk Driving

NOOSA, Australia -- An Australian man caught driving a motorized cooler box [...] appeared in court charged with drunk driving, The Courier Mail reported Monday.

Christopher Ian Petrie, 23, faces charges of driving under the influence and driving without a license after police caught him on the makeshift vehicle, which was powered by a 50cc engine.

[...]

Petrie's lawyers won an adjournment from magistrate John Parker as they sough to establish "whether a motorized esky [cooler box] was in fact a motor vehicle."

An amused Parker inquired with Petrie about his cooler box's performance.

"How much beer can it hold?" he asked the defendant. Petrie told the court the cooler box could hold "at least a couple of cartons."

because i really just wanted to write "anal sphincter" a bunch of times

2011-08-15T16:07:00.001-04:00

also, it's monday and i wanted to gross you out...
be glad i didn't subject you to the associated picture!

here instead is a picture of a chocolate starfish:

and then:

anal sphincter

anal sphincter
anal sphincter
anal sphincter
anal sphincter

anal sphincter

Biologists grow replacement sphincters in mice

"Fecal incontinence because of degenerated or weakened internal anal sphincter (IAS) has a high incidence rate in aging populations. [...] Bioengineering could play a role in developing a translational approach to remedy fecal incontinence because of weakened IAS."

oh splendid, people are dying of horrible incurable diseases all over the world and these guys are spending their time and money making sure people don't shit themselves. A+

it's all in the phrasing

2011-08-11T14:35:00.003-04:00

Best Trivial Pursuit Question Ever

as hilariously (and possibly unintentionally) lewd as that is, i was almost as amused with the comments section:

being viral makes viral thing go viral.

other 11' inch things at hogwarts here.

WARNING: definitely nsfw. and also nsfawdwtst - not safe for anyone who doesn't want to sleep tonight... the bravest of you who read it, i dare you to tell me you didn't cry a little bit in horror.

goldilocks was right to complain

2011-08-11T12:01:00.002-04:00

this porridge is too hot... this porridge is too cold...

as whiny and selfish as that bitch (and criminal*) might have been, i'm siding with her now because i'm about to complain about something that everyone always chides me about - the weather.

the temperature is too hot... the temperature is too cold...

fuck you all. i'm complaining about the weather.

what happened to summer?
it was down right chilly this morning!
after a sweltering summer vacation in the city, it looks like summer is packing its bags and getting ready to head out.

while it was feeling like autumn overnight, i actually don't know if it's warmed up yet today... the weather network says it's like 20 out there now and projected to go up to 24 this afternoon. but instead of frolicking in the glorious sunshine, i'm sitting at my desk shivering and trying to warm myself with the glow of my computer monitor... clearly, my building's environmental controls still think the sun is set to frazzle.

don't get me wrong, i know it takes A LOT of energy and a fair amount of time to change the temperature of an entire building and yet here i am complaining... this happens every time the outside temperature changes more than infinitesimally. so really, there's nothing i can do other than whine. and demand porridge.
______________________________
* so everyone in the goldilocks story is a criminal... goldilocks can add breaking & entering to her rap sheet as well as property destruction and theft. and the bears? murder. ok, so that doesn't happen in all of the versions of the story... but if you think about it, do you think you'd escape with your life if you were sleeping in a grizzly bear's den when they came home? yeah, goldilocks getting eaten by the bears is the logical conclusion to the story - after all, they'd be hungry considering she ate all their delicious, delicious porridge.

in the end, aside from teaching children about opposites (hot-cold, hard-soft), what lessons is this story really teaching?? a little girl breaks into a house that's not hers, eats food that's not hers, breaks furniture that's (you guessed it) not hers. and then instead of doing the smart thing and getting the fuck outta dodge, she takes a nap, in plain view. if you go with the family-friendly ending, she wakes up when the bears come home and runs away. so at most, the consequence for all her criminal activity is that she gets scared.

moral of the story: do anything you want and everything will be fine so long as you don't get caught... except she DID get caught! the bears caught her sleeping in their house with porridge crust stuck in the corners of her mouth! call the fucking police!

horatio caine: when we catch this criminal, the punishment's going to be juuust right.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

i don't know WHAT i was thinking...

2011-08-10T13:34:00.001-04:00

after reading that headline maybe a good half dozen times, my brain still wanted me to bellieve it said "Are new blood-sucking tits heading to Canada?"

and it didn't really occur to me that i might be misreading it so then my brain was further baffled trying to imagine what the hell a "blood-sucking tit" could possibly be and, more importantly, what they wanted in canada...

clearly, i need more sleep.

if you're tryely interested, the whole story is here.

you are what you eat

2011-08-04T13:57:00.000-04:00

and apparently these people didn't eat anything with common sense as an ingredient...

Gourmet bakery's spelt scone not as healthy as advertised

the gist: this 'health food' place was selling fresh fruit scones and advertizing that they only had 220 calories. after an independent investigation, it turns out the scones had closer to 600 calories. people were upset.

my question: how could anyone believe that something as dense as a scone, especially one topped with "a generous portion" of sugary (read: cal-o-rific) fruits, could be anywhere near 200 calories? considering the scone in question "weighs almost half a pound" someone should have been asking questions about the legitimacy of the nutritional information..

the owner and one of the bakery workers were "surprised" byt the results because they "sourced the scone's nutrition information from the Internet." yup, the internet - where nothing is ever wrong.

dumb jokes for smart people

2011-08-02T15:48:00.000-04:00

the title pretty much says it all... just because you're an intellectual doesn't make you immune from stupid jokes. here are some brainy puns that are sure to make you groan.

it's true... like getting that girl pregnant in high school.

peer pressure is intense.

but neither win against rock, paper, scissors, or my shoe.

but i always colour inside the lines.

go ahead, circle-lover! try an argue the point!

(ha! see what i did there? yeah, i used the same joke again... what of it?)

like chemistry cat? more here.

sure to win an award for journalistic excellence

2011-08-02T15:28:00.000-04:00

well yes, me, of course... i'm all about integrity. and plagiarism.

but this has got to at least be the headline of the year:

'Extra sugar' at Dunkin' Donuts leads to prostitution charges

ROCKAWAY TOWNSHIP, N.J. -- Police say there was more on the menu than Munchkins and lattes during the late shift at a Dunkin' Donuts in northern New Jersey.

A 29-year-old female is facing prostitution charges after police say she took breaks to provide sex in exchange for money.

Rockaway Township police launched an investigation known as "extra sugar: after getting a tip about the workers activities at the shop.

Detective Sgt. Kyle Schwarzmann told The Daily Record of Parsippany he noticed that 29-year-old Melissa Redmond of Mine Hill would go out to cars and would spend 10 to 15 minutes in the vehicles.

Schwarzmann says Redmond was arrested after soliciting sex from an undercover officer.

No one at the Dunkin' Donuts wanted to comment.

behold, i come quickly

2011-07-26T16:37:00.000-04:00

H Replacement FAIL

handful of cute

2011-07-25T14:35:00.000-04:00

mama, can i have one?

more pictures here: Koala Joeys Galore for Australia's Dreamworld

more cookin' in your car

2011-07-25T13:22:00.000-04:00

with this heatwave hopefully passing with the theatrical thunderstorms this morning, sticky, sweaty people and thirsty plants are breathing a sigh of relief. the heat has insiped people (particularly news-type people looking for a way to report on the weather other than saying "boy, is it ever hot!") to come up with some interesting culinary car creations. the other day we had a guy semi-successfully cook a roast & veggies in his car and now we've got this lady baking cookies!

Why does my car smell like cookies?

have you accepted jesus christ fettuccine as your personal saviour?

2011-07-22T12:03:00.001-04:00

Austrian driver allowed 'pastafarian' headgear in photo
An Austrian atheist has won the right to be shown on his driving-licence photo wearing a pasta strainer as "religious headgear"

right off the bat, i am unsure how one can be an atheist AND a pastafarian... atheism is the rejection of belief in higher beings and pastafarians "believe in" the flying spaghetti monster. so which is it, mr. alm???

the part that tickles my fancy the most is where the authorities required him to get an official not from a doctor to say he was "psychologically fit" to drive. isn't that religious discrimination or something?

how is believing in a flying spaghetti monster any different from believing in virgin births, ghosts, or elephant-headed deities. i'm pretty sure no one wearing a yarmulke, hijab, or a nun's habit was ever required to take a mental fitness test in order to get their licence.

if a pastafarian is required to be deemed "psychologically fit" to drive then i think there should be a standardized mental test for all religious believers.

squee!!!

2011-07-22T10:55:00.000-04:00

oh this is too cute for words!

Arctic Fox Pups

i'm a sucker for all things turtle...

2011-07-22T09:50:00.000-04:00

now before you give me grief, YES - this is a tortoise.
would you agree that tortoises are sort of turtle-ish? or turtles are sort of tortoise-ish? exactly.

Cost of this tortoise's artificial limbs? About $7

PULLMAN, WASH. -- The artificial limb put on an African tortoise at Washington State University didn't come from a high-tech prosthetics lab. It came from a hardware store.

The caster-style wheel cost around $7, according to the two veterinarians who installed it on the tortoise after amputating a damaged front leg. They said the wheel was purchased off-the-shelf, as was the expoy that attached it to the shell.

The tortoise was shown to the public Thursday, and spent his time eating grass and other plants outside the WSU veterinary hospital.

Doctors Nicol Finch and Courtney Watkins say the tortoise is moving well and gaining weight. They say this is the first time they've put a wheel on a tortoise, although the rocedure has been done elsewhere.

it's like an oven out there!

2011-07-22T09:23:00.003-04:00

Thestar.com - VideoZone - Car-cooked roast taste test

shake, rattle and demolish

2011-07-21T15:10:00.002-04:00

Tae Bo workout sent skyscraper shaking

Seventeen people performing a vigorous Tae Bo workout caused tremors that forced the evacuation of a South Korean skyscraper earlier this month, the building's owners say.

"It just happened to be that the vibration cycle caused by Tae Bo collided with the vertical vibration cycle unique to the building." [...] The action amplified the building's vibration and caused the shaking.

go banana!

2011-07-21T14:37:00.001-04:00

oh ralph... one day everything will come together for you. but remember, don't join a band with bart.

in other banana-related news, i'm not sure if i desperately want these or am a little too weirded out by them...

Peelable Banana Popsicles

getting out of the kitchen

2011-07-19T16:36:00.001-04:00

fine, it's hot. are you happy now?

phoenix gets dusted

2011-07-19T16:27:00.001-04:00

this can't be good...

check out more pictures: Another dust storm in Arizona

more seafood apocalypse

2011-07-13T11:04:00.000-04:00

F*CK! SUPER INTELLIGENT FISH!!!

Diver takes first ever photos of a wild fish using a tool

The pictures provide fantastic proof of these intelligent fish at work using tools to access prey that they would otherwise miss out on.

PREY LIKE HUMANS!

Dr. Brown described the fish's actions as 'landing absolutely pinpoint blows.'

DEADLY ACCURACY!

more proof that we're clearly doomed.

koalaz is hoz

2011-07-12T13:30:00.001-04:00

did you know...?

Three quarters of all captive female koalas suffer from a strain of Chlamydia that can result in sterility.

mmm... spicy.

luckily there's still one quarter that can turn out adorable baby koalas like this:

check out more cute baby zoo animals here:
20 Cutest ZooBorns On Earth

the end will come from the seas!

2011-07-12T13:23:00.000-04:00

i really think we need to be on a higher alert level for what i am going to call the "seafood apocalypse".... i don't know about you but if squids with elbows and immortal jellyfish have me freaked right the f*ck out.

AND NOW THIS!

Jellyfish Invade Four Nuclear Reactors in Japan, Israel, Scotland
Four nuclear reactors in Japan, Israel and Scotland were forced to shutdown due to the infiltration of enormous swarms of jellyfish, which clogged the plant's cooling system.

for eff's sake! they're organized! this is a full-blown kamikaze attack! THREAT LEVEL 11!

there's no shame in being second

2011-07-11T14:47:00.000-04:00

Announcer: And now, Avis Rent-A-Car is proud to present the scond best band in America. Will you welcome Garfunkel, Messina, Oates, and Lisa singing their number two hit, "Born to Runner-Up"
[band begins to play, audience boos]
Lisa: Why would they come to our concert just to boo us?

so there's no shame in being second but there is shame in being a jonas.
case in point: Jonas booed, pelted with basketballs

the irony, she is delicious!

2011-07-11T11:23:00.000-04:00

Dan Aykroyd stopped for speeding on way to Honda Indy

Aykroyd, the grand marshal of this year's Honda Indy Toronto, said he was "racing to the race."

now there's something you don't see everyday...

2011-07-07T12:20:00.002-04:00

under cleavage, neat.

PS - paper bag? i can't stand her face! THOSE TEETH!

word of the day - jul 5 11

2011-07-05T11:45:00.000-04:00

noun
1. the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning; the irony of her reply, "How nice!" when I said I had to work all weekend.
2. Literature.
a. a technique of indicating, as through a character or plot development, an intention or attitude opposite to that which is actually or ostensibly stated.
b. (especially in contemporary writing) a manner of organizing a work so as to give full expression to contradictory or complementary impulses, attitudes, etc., especially as a means of indicating detachment from a subject, theme, or emotion.
3. Socratic irony.

also see:
Motorcyclist killed in anti-helmet rally
A man riding bareheaded on one of about 550 motorcycles in an anti-helmet law rally lost control of his cycle, went over the handlebars, hit his head on the pavement and died near Syracuse, N.Y., police said Sunday.

The motorcyclist, 55-year-old Philip A. Contos, likely would have survived the accident if he's been wearing a helmet, state troopers said.

a voice-thrower par excellence or a brash stick of kindling?

2011-07-01T13:33:00.000-04:00

holy unholy cheese, batman! does xtina ever look like twilight zone material here?!?

seriously, i dare you to tell me that she doesn't look like a possessed ventriloquist dummy.
i swear, you better sleep with one eye open because she is coming for YOU!

canada day confection

2011-07-01T12:19:00.001-04:00

Happy Bloody Band-Aid Day!

Once you see it, it's all you see.

Cake Wrecks: Big Bangs

mmm i love turtles!

2011-07-01T12:12:00.000-04:00

Turtles on the tarmac! Flights delayed at Kennedy airport

NEW YORK—About 150 turtles crawled onto the tarmac at New York’s Kennedy airport Wednesday in search of beaches to lay their eggs, delaying dozens of flights, aviation authorities said.

The slow-motion stampede began about 6:45 a.m., and within three hours there were so many turtles on Runway 4L and nearby taxiways that controllers were forced to move departing flights to another runway.

thumbs up

2011-07-01T12:02:00.000-04:00

coffee? tea? pee?

2011-06-28T16:26:00.005-04:00

Bloke pissing in reservoir prompts 8m gallon flush
'Do you want to drink pee?' asks Portland water official

puleeze! you take in more concentrated pee that this every time you go to the public swimming pool!

and why the big kafuffle about human pee? you don't even want to think about how much wild animal pee (and poo, don't forget about the poo!) is in there!

besides, doesn't the water go through some sort of processing plant before it gets to your pipes anyway?

i was on vacation somewhere up north one time and they found a dead deer in the reservoir and all they did was tell people to boil their water. no biggie...

way to overreact, oregon!

get out of my head!!!

2011-06-28T16:11:00.001-04:00

someone has a sense of humour...

2011-06-21T12:48:00.000-04:00

Product Placement FAIL

personally, i'm going with the abraham lincoln

2011-06-21T10:35:00.002-04:00

Remember Movember? Well, here comes Julyna

it's exactly what it sounds like.

what exactly does it sound like, you ask?

instead of men sporting ridiculous moustaches in support of cancer research, a group of more-clever-than-thou women have decided to create their own event with beards... clam beards.

"It's unique, it's different, it's cutting edge..." it's not appropriate for a public or professional environment?

while i DO support the cause (getting people talking about cervical cancer and human papillomavirus) and i DO agree with their sentiment that an event needs to be attention-grabbing to successful these days, i don't know if this is the right way to go about it...?

it may seem hypocritical that i am a regualr participant in the Underwear Affair, where people run through the streets in their unmentionables in support of down there cancers, but at least all the naughty bits are covered. i'm no prude and yet the discussion of lady bits and how they are being groomed still makes me uncomfortable.

all that being said, i'm probably silumtaneously proud of and jealous of any woman brave enough to announce her intentions and go ahead with this fundraising campaign. men should be encouraged to participate as well because we all know that a little good grooming would make the world a much, much better place.

good for me for ending on a high note! let's try for higher.

"Stencils for suggested hair designs [...] include the arrow, the Charlie Chaplin, the Barbara Bush, the Movember, the rising sun, the side part and the David Suzuki."

what? no abe?

in technical terms

2011-06-21T09:58:00.004-04:00

Power of Poop: Toronto Zoo to turn droppings into biogas by 2012

"The bacteria and the manure will 'produce little farts' of methane that will rise to the top of the digester, where the gas will be captured and burned."

getting back into the swing, swing, swing of things

2011-06-21T09:37:00.001-04:00

i thought it only fitting that on this first day of summer, as school children everywhere anxiously await their summer parole, i should make my return!

please, hold back your tears of joy.

although i am beset with other project (work-related and otherwise) i shall endeavour to keep you (and myself) entertained with all manner of random nonsense and hard-hitting political news. well, maybe not that last thing.

return imminent

2011-03-30T10:23:00.000-04:00

soon... soon, my pretties!

arm yourselves!

2010-09-10T11:10:00.000-04:00

so i guess spending one's days in bed does have some disadvantages because my weapon is a pillow...

Testing, testing... 2 2 3

2010-09-10T05:08:00.001-04:00

Hmm... So it IS possible to blog from my phone without downloading the app that costs money but I can't do pictures. And really, what fun is life without pictures?

Testing, testing... 1 2 3

2010-09-10T04:58:00.002-04:00

Ok, so here the first test for mobile blogging... If it works out, you might just be hearing A LOT more from me! You won't admit it now (or ever) but you've been missing me!

think you have a rough commute?

2010-08-23T14:26:00.000-04:00

China traffic jam stretches 'nine days, 100km'

A massive traffic jam in China has slowed vehicles to a crawl for a ninth day near Beijing, local media say.

Vehicles, mostly lorries bound for Beijing, are backed up for about 100km (62 miles) because of heavy traffic, road works and break-downs.

The drivers have complained that locals are over-charging them for food and drink while they are stuck.

There has been a boom in road building in China in recent years but vehicle use has soared at the same time.

The stalled traffic stretches between Jining in Inner Mongolia and Huai'an in Hebei province, north-west of Beijing, said the Global Times.

The road works which are obstructing traffic are necessary to repair damage caused by an increase in cargo lorries using the highway, the state-run newspaper said.

They are not expected to be finished until mid-September.

The motorway, part of the Beijing-Tibet expressway, is heavily used by lorries carrying coal from Inner Mongolia.

for the person who LITERALLY has everything

2010-07-26T15:02:00.000-04:00

and because, who doesn't need one of these?

World's Most Expensive Beer Comes In Taxidermied Animal Koozies

AWL

2010-07-14T19:58:00.000-04:00

AWOL?
no, it's not a typo...
AWL - absent WITH leave.

certain joyus circumstances in my life may prevent me from posting on a regualr basis so you're going to have to entertain yourself for the next little while. apologies.

i would totally read that book!

2010-07-06T11:21:00.001-04:00

Since 1982 the English Department at San Jose State University has sponsered the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a whimisical literary competition that challengers entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels.

2010's grand prize winner was molly ringle from seattle, washington and here is her entry:

For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity's affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss--a length, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity's mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world's thirstiest gerbil.

for the rest of the 2010 contest results, including category winners and runners-up, go HERE

for the historical list of grand prize winners, go HERE

the meal that launched 1000 ships

2010-07-06T11:06:00.001-04:00

not that it's ever going to be a decision that i need to make but if i need to choose a last meal, this would have to be it... not just because it'd probably be the tastiest thing ever, but because it would kill me before whatever else was threatening me and causing me to choose a last meal. take that, fate!

In Honor Of The 4th: Pizza, The American Way

getting drunk, martha stewart style

2010-07-05T16:07:00.000-04:00

Germantown woman charged in vanilla DUI case

An officer noticed partially empty bottles of vanilla extract, labeled as 35 percent alcohol by volume, and Diet Coke in the front seat, and they said they smelled a strong vanilla odor on the woman's breath. A grocery receipt found in the vehicle listed two 8-once bottles of vanilla extract, purchased Wednesday.

also, isn't her mug shot just one of the greatest things ever?

hey, if they put poker on ESPN, ANYTHING can be called a sport

2010-07-05T13:10:00.000-04:00

Controversy erupts at annual hotdog eating championship

The 32-year-old Kobayashi did not eat this ear because he refused to sign a contract with Major League Eating -- the fast food equivalent of the NFL. On his Japanese-language blog, he said he wanted to be free to compete in contests sanctioned by other groups.

major league eating?
seriously?
they have their own professional association?
yes, yes they do.
http://www.ifoce.com/index.php
AND they're humourously sponsored by pepto-bismol!

anyway, this kobayashi guy ("the tsunami") is the japanese champion and he didn't compete this year's coney island contest but he was in the crowd... after joey "jaws" chestnut won the competition by cramming down 54 hotdogs in 10 minutes, kobayashi slipped past security and onto the stage. security attempted to remove him but he was in a "hell no, i won't go" kind of mood and that landed him in jail being charged with resisting arrest, trespass and obstructing governmental administration.

anyway you look at it, it is definitely more exciting than golf.

happy (early) canada day!

2010-06-30T14:57:00.000-04:00

so i know i haven't really been here too consistently over the last few weeks but i'm still going to announce that i'll be AWOL for the next few days due to the extra long canada day weekend. unlike some poor saps, i get both thursday AND friday off! this is how it should be every week... i have more weekend days in my immediate future than i've had work days this week! anyhoo, hope everyone has a great weekend be is super long or not. hopefully everything will be back to normal come monday.

word of the day - jun 30 10

2010-06-30T14:47:00.000-04:00

adjective
1. of, pertaining to, or maintained by a nation as an organized whole or independent political unit: national affairs.
2. owned, preserved, or maintained by the federal government: a national wildlife refuge.
3. peculiar or common to the whole people of a country: national customs.
4. devoted to one's own nation, its interests, etc.; patriotic: to stir up national pride.
5. nationalist
6. concerning or encompassing en entire nation: a national radio network.
7. limited to one nation.

noun
8. a citizen or subject of a particular nation who is entitled to its protection: Canadian nationals living abroad.
9. often, nationals. a national competition, tournament, or the like: We're invited to Ottawa for the nationals.
10. a national company or organization

brain broken

2010-06-30T10:14:00.002-04:00

no matter how many times i look at the title of this twilight-flavoured news bite (ha!) i ALWAYS misread it...
in my mind it says "Lautner stunned by fat fan"

Lautner stunned by fan tat

employee of the month

2010-06-28T13:48:00.001-04:00

Woman set office fire to go home early

NEW PORT RICHEY, Fla., June 24 (UPI) -- A Florida woman accused of starting an office fire to get sent home early with pay pleaded guilty to criminal mischief.

The Pasco County Sheriff's Office said Michelle Perrino, 40, drew suspicion during a meeting of Bayonet Point Oxygen employees when she mentioned the May 12, 2009, fire had started in a filing cabinet before workers had been informed of the fire's origins, the St. Petersburg Times reported Thursday.

Investigators said a friend of Perrino told them she had admitted to tripping the main circuit breaker and adjusting phones to block incoming calls in bids to go home early without sacrificing the day's pay.

Perrino was sentenced to 9 months imprisonment followed by 5 years of probation. She was also ordered to pay Bayonet Point Oxygen $4,800 in restitution and banned from contacting the company or its employees.

because i am totally good at remembering...

2010-06-25T14:43:00.000-04:00

earlier last week i posted a little brain teaser about the lesser known full names of fictional characters and just in case you've been pulling your hair out from the stress of not knowing them all, here are the answers:

1. Patricia Reinchardt
E. Peppermint Patty

2. Edgar Mallory
I. The policeman from the game Monopoly

3. Bernie Liederkrantz
D. Guy Smiley from Sesame Street

4. Jonas Grumby
J. The Skipper from Gilligan's Island

5. Noreville Rogers
F. Shaggy from Scooby-Doo

6. Jeff Albertson
C. Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons

7. Barbara Millicent Roberts
A. Barbie

8. Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkel Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs
K. The Wizard from The Wizard of Oz

9. Salvatore Assante
L. Turtle from Entourage

10. Nostradamus Shannon
B. Bull from Night Court

11. John Reid
G. The Lone Ranger

12. Cavity Sam
H. The patient from the game Operation

word of the day - jun 25 10

2010-06-25T14:30:00.000-04:00

noun
1. obvious and intentional exaggeration.
2. an extravagant statement or figure of speech not intended to be taken literally, as "to wait an eternity."

making your friday even better

2010-06-25T14:18:00.002-04:00

if you thought today was already awesome enough because it was friday then be prepared to have your mind blown because things are about to get better. what would you say if i told you that today, a perfectly awesome friday, could be made better by LOL-ing yourself until you soiled yourself? "FUCK YEAH!" is what you should say... ok, so i may have exaggerated about the soiling yourself part but if you REALLY wanted to, you could wait until you really had to pee before reading this blog post:

Sneaky Hate Spiral

i LOL-ed, i snorted, i chuckled... all while sitting in my cubicle attempting to convince society i am one of its valuable members by virtue of having a job, creating commerce, and generally keeping the earth spinning on its axis.

just like with the cookies, it's hardly my fault... how can i be expected to keep my "professional" facade when presented with something like this:

or this:

seriously!

go, read the post, and make your friday and even better day.

in case of emergency, for making other lesser days (i'm looking at you, tuesday) more awesome, you can check out the entire blog here:
Hyperbole and a Half

this ALWAYS happens!

2010-06-25T14:01:00.000-04:00

and it's totally not my fault because really, who makes an assorted package of cookies and only puts one kind of good cookie in it?

technically, yes, i don't HAVE TO eat all the delicious chocolates ones in a single sitting but if i leave them in there, i run the risk of someone else getting their hands on them and me having to choke down one of the other types of "cookies" that come in the package.

how come they sell those stupid ones with the jam in them separately and none of the others?

word of the day - jun 24 10

2010-06-24T12:36:00.002-04:00

noun
a tremor; earthquake.

yuck factor of the day

2010-06-24T12:35:00.001-04:00

isn't this grainy painting by san fancisco artist chris trueman lovely and rustic? artists these days... they are SO creative with their media.

Painting Made from 200,000 Ants

word of the day - jun 23 10

2010-06-23T15:18:00.000-04:00

noun
1. protection or security against damage or loss.
2. compensation for damage or loss sustained.
3. something paid by way of such compensation.
4. legal exemption from penalties attaching to unconstitutional or illegal actions, granted to public officers and other persons.

shake, rattle & roll

2010-06-23T14:34:00.000-04:00

EARTHQUAKE!

that's right folks... southern ontario just had an earthquake!

HERE is what the US geological survey had to say about it.
5.5 magnitude quake centered north of ottawa, 15.7km deep.
that's a BIGGIE for this area!

heard it through the grapevine... i've heard from people that the tremors were felt from windsor over into quebec, and from sudbury down to pittsburgh. craziness!

my whole building and the surrounding ones were all evacuated for about half an hour... i guess someone finally (arbitrarily?) decided it was okay to go back inside and here i am!

belarus: full of elderly prudes?

2010-06-23T12:11:00.001-04:00

ok, so that sounds overly inflammatory i suppose... but that's just what this story makes me think. i know people have different ideas in different parts of the world and north america IS just a giant cesspool of filth and immorality... being a "liberal young person," this kind of thing just brings out the shit-disturbing activist in me.

Belarus officials fear promotion of gay lifestyle at Elton John gig

Officials in Belarus have asked the organizers of an upcoming Elton John concert in Minsk to prevent the promotion of homosexuality.

The Public Council for Morality is to study recordings of earlier performances by the British singer to make sure “they have no elements inconsistent with the law and morality,” the head of the organization said.

“We have requested the organizers of the concert to give us records of Elton John’s earlier performances,” he said.

[what? they don't have youtube?]

Nikolai Cherginets said the Council is particularly concerned over the openly gay singer’s statement in an interview with a U.S. magazine that Jesus was a "super-intelligent gay man."

[ok, that might be poking the bear *snicker* a little much for the churchies, elton...]

Elton John will play at the Minsk Arena on June 26 as part of his European summer tour.

Sexual minorities have become active in the country of late and “even attempted to hold a gay parade in Minsk,” Cherginets said. The attempted parade was broken up by police.

Cherginets said the Council had already prevented outbreaks of “immorality” during a May concert by German industrial metal band Rammstein in the Belarusian capital.

“If we had not interfered, there would have been sex on stage and the relief of physical needs right in front of the audience,” the official said.

[heavens! not the relief of physical needs!]

The Public Council for Morality was established in 2009 by the Belarusian Orthodox Church and the Writers Union of Belarus, with the support of President Alexander Lukashenko.

obesity epidemic? nonsense!

2010-06-23T12:01:00.000-04:00

Friendly's Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt

This is the BurgerMelt to end all BurgerMelts. We place a think and juicy 100% Black Angus Big Beef Burger between two whole grilled cheese sandwiches, complete with lettuce, tomato and mayo. You'll have to taste it to believe it.

well thank goodness they managed to sneak that lettuce and tomato in there or else ordering this sandwich would need to come with a coupon for a free quadruple bypass instead of just a double bypass.

i think you could just save yourself the hassle of finding a friendly's restaurant and the incovininece of an extended hospital stay and just stuff a double down sandwich inside a baconator.

word of the day - jun 22 10

2010-06-22T15:56:00.002-04:00

verb
to utter with long, sighing breaths.

WANT!

2010-06-21T15:10:00.001-04:00

you may or may not remember my earlier post about the grammar-loving alot (you should totally remember it because it was awesome!) but in case you forgot, here's a little reminder:

It has become almost fun for me to come across people who take the phrase "a lot" and condense it down into one word, because when someone says "alot," this is what i imagine:

The Alot is an imaginary creature that I made up to help me deal with my compulsive need to correct other people's grammar. It kind of looks like a cross between a bear, a yak, and a pug, and it has provided hours of entertainment for me in a situation where I'd normally be left feeling angry and disillusioned with the world.

a few examples to clear up any confusion:

so yeah, now you're all caught up on what alots are all about...
now on to the WANT part!
i WANT this crocheted alot!!!

i KNOW there are some crochet-savvy people (unlike me who is failing miserably at learning to crochet) who could totally make this!!! a shiny nickel to whoever makes me one!

word of the day - jun 21 10

2010-06-21T08:41:00.002-04:00

heliolatry
noun
worship of the sun.

HAPPY FIRST DAY OF SUMMER!

a horrible daughter

2010-06-21T08:40:00.000-04:00

happy belated days, mom & dad

word of the day - jun 18 10

2010-06-18T11:09:00.002-04:00

adumbrate
verb
1. to foreshadow; prefigure.
2. to produce a faint image or resemblance of; to outline or sketch.
3. to darken or conceal partially; overshadow.

stranger things...

2010-06-18T11:04:00.001-04:00

"stranger things have happened" is how the saying goes... THIS might be one of those stranger things that they're referring to.

German student attacks Hell's Angels with puppy

(Reuters) - A German student created a major traffic jam in Bavaria after making a rude gesture at a group of Hell's Angels motorcycle gang members, hurling a puppy at them and then escaping on a stolen bulldozer.

German police said on Monday that after making his getaway from the Hell's Angels club, the 26-year-old dumped the bulldozer, causing a 5 km (3 miles) traffic jam near the southern town of Allershausen, local police said. He then fled to his home nearby where he was apprehended by the police.

"What motivated him to throw a puppy at the Hell's Angels is currently unclear," said a spokesman for local police, adding that the student had lately been suffering from depression.

The puppy was now in safe hands, the spokesman added.

the promiscuity of youth these days

2010-06-18T10:47:00.001-04:00

she made him an offer he couldn't refuse?

Man claims cow seduced him for sex

An 18-year-old Indonesian man says he was seduced by a cow, and that's why he was having sex with it.

A neighbour caught Gusti Ngurah Alit allegedly wooing the farm animal on Sunday, the village chief on the resort island of Bali said, the Times newspaper in Johannesburg, South Africa reported Friday.

"He was caught by one of the residents standing naked while holding the back of the cow," village chief Embang Ida Bagus Legawa said in the newspaper.

Alit said he didn't see an animal, he saw a beautiful young woman.

"She called my name and seduced me, so I had sex with her," the man told the newspaper.

Alit underwent a cleansing ritual. The village chief gave the owner of the cow the equivalent of $562.

The cow was reportedly drowned in the sea to rid the village of bad luck.

i know what someone is being for halloween this year!

2010-06-18T10:08:00.001-04:00

The Cutest Lil Ninja Turtle You Ever Did See!

word of the day - jun 17 10

2010-06-17T14:54:00.000-04:00

oscitant
adjective
1. yawning, as with drowsiness; gaping.
2. drowsy or inattentive.
3. dull, lazy, or negligent.

who?

2010-06-16T11:43:00.001-04:00

see if you can match up these full names to some of your favourite fictional characters:

1. Patricia Reinchardt
2. Edgar Mallory
3. Bernie Liederkrantz
4. Jonas Grumby
5. Norville Rogers
6. Jeff Albertson
7. Barbara Millicent Roberts
8. Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkel Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs
9. Salvatore Assante
10. Nostradamus Shannon
11. John Reid
12. Cavity Sam

A. Barbie
B. Bull from Night Court
C. Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons
D. Guy Smiley from Sesame Street
E. Peppermint Patty
F. Shaggy from Scooby-Doo
G. The Lone Ranger
H. The patient from the game Operation
I. The policeman from the game Monopoly
J. The Skipper from Gilligan's Island
K. The Wizard from The Wizard of Oz
L. Turtle from Entourage

your guess is as good as mine

2010-06-16T11:01:00.000-04:00

10 points to the person who can best explain what this cake is supposed to be...

word of the day - jun 15 10

2010-06-15T16:08:00.000-04:00

bathos
noun
1. triteness or triviality in style.
2. a ludicrous descent from the exalted or lofty to the commonplace; anticlimax.
3. insincere pathos; sentimentality; mawkishness.

let them eat cake meat

2010-06-11T10:27:00.000-04:00

The World's Most Carnivorous Countries

1. Denmark (321 lbs)

According to the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations, the average Dane devours 321 lbs. of meat a year.

2. New Zealand (313 lbs)
3. Luxembourg (312 lbs)
4. Cyprus (289 lbs)
5. USA! USA! USA! (275 lbs)

damn, USA! you got out-meated by luxembourg?
LUXEMBOURG!!!
it's one of the smallest nations in the world!
i guess the difference between the US and luxembourg is that americans will keep 200 of those pounds on their bodies in fat while luxembourgians (???) will work it all off...

word of the day - jun 11 10

2010-06-11T10:18:00.000-04:00

apathy
noun
1. absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.
2. lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.

mr. t pities the fool...

2010-06-07T14:21:00.000-04:00

...who went to see the new (and horrible looking) a-team movie! HA!

"People die in the film and there's plenty of sex but when we did it, no one got hurt and it was all played for fun and family entertainment. These seem to be elements nobody is interested in anymore.

It was too graphic for me. I've no doubt it will do big business at the box office but it's nothing like the show we turned out every week."

Mr. T blasts A-Team movie

smiles!

2010-06-07T14:14:00.000-04:00

did you know...?

apparently, if you lose your balloon at disneyland you can go to city hall on main street and tell them what happened, you'll get a voucher for a replacement balloon! no more tears!

the morlocks are coming...

2010-06-07T14:08:00.000-04:00

Giant Guatemalan Sinkhole

wondering why it's so round?
here's a little insight.

follow the leader, leader, leader, leader...

2010-06-07T13:34:00.002-04:00

not entirely sure why but i find this utterly fascinating...

Why would fish follow a robot?

NYU (US) -- Forget artificial intelligence. How about artificial leadership? A mechanical engineer at New York University is combining smart materials and mathmatics to build robots tat lead schooling fish.

Someday, Maurizio Porfiri, assistant professor of mechanical engineering at NYU’s Polytechnic Institute, hopes the robots could lead fish away from the turbines of power plants.

AWOL

2010-06-04T11:40:00.000-04:00

apathy on friday, a lackluster monday, and complete lack of internet on tuesday has kind of killed my will to post over the last week... many apologies for being too disenchanted with the idea of writing to cure your boredom. hopefully you've fended for yourselves and managed to go no less insane in the past few days.

word of the day - may 27 10

2010-05-27T16:01:00.000-04:00

eidetic
adjective
1. of, pertaining to, or constituting visual imagery vividly experienced and readily reproducable with great accuracy and in great detail.
2. marked by or involving extraordinarily accurate and exacting recall especially of visual images.

screw being diplomatic, let's make fun of other languages!

2010-05-27T12:05:00.000-04:00

World's Sexiest Named Dinosaur

evolution is REAL!

2010-05-26T13:06:00.001-04:00

while not nearly as frightening as squids with elbows, these australian fish with 'hands' might be a little scary to any creationists out there...

Nine Fish With "Hands" Found to Be New Species

word of the day - may 26 10

2010-05-26T12:50:00.001-04:00

phlegmatic
adjective
1. not easily excited to action or display or emotion; apathetic; sluggish.
2. self-possessed, calm, or composed.
3. of the nature of or abounding in the humor phlegm.

the 'humor phlegm' eh? eww...?

bonus word of the day
phlegm
noun
1. the thick mucus secreted in the respiratory passages and discharged through the mouth, esp. that occuring in the lungs and throat passages, as during a cold.
2. one of the four elemental bodily humors of medieval physiology, regarded as causing sluggishness or apathy.
3. sluggishness, indifference, or apathy.
4. self-possession, calmness, or composure.

daily aww...

2010-05-26T12:42:00.000-04:00

TORTOISE V. HARE :: BIG RACE!! from Dylan Stiles on Vimeo.

we missed it!

2010-05-26T09:26:00.001-04:00

while everyone was off having a long weekend in celebration of ~~beer~~ victoria day, we should have been off having a long weekend in celebration of World Turtle Day instead!

The purpose of World Turtle Day, May 23, sponsered yearly since 2000 by [the] American Tortoise Rescue, is to bring attention to, and increase knowledge of and respect for, turtles and tortoises, and encourage human action to help them survive and thrive.
Turtle Day is celebrated worldwide in a variety of ways, from dressing up as turtles to saving turtles caught on highways, to research activities.

word of the day - may 20 10

2010-05-20T15:23:00.000-04:00

eschew
transitive verb
to shun; to avoid (as something wrong or distasteful).

what's important

2010-05-20T15:18:00.001-04:00

on this list of the world's greatest inventions, #1 should have been "taking things for granted" or "ignorance"
i don't know what sample of vapid idiots they polled for this list but they should probably all be sterilized.

here are a few of the inventions and their rankings:

1. wheel
8. iphone
11. contraceptive pill
16. steam engine
22. toilet paper
24. google
29. hot water (does that even count??)
34. hair straighteners
39. space travel
42. bed
66. make-up
69. the game of football
82. facebook

i suggest checking out the whole list to see what outranked what...

repurposing

2010-05-20T15:07:00.000-04:00

ok, don't get me wrong... one of the last things in the world i'd want is to get caught in a picture with rihanna that probably got circulated around the entire interweb 100 million times over but these things don't happen to me. they happen to other people and so i feel that it's ok to laugh. ESPECIALLY when the unfortunate lump of a person following close in rihanna's footsteps looks to be wearing the world's largest snuggie backwards.

word of the day - may 18 10

2010-05-18T14:01:00.000-04:00

vitiate
transitive verb
1. to make faulty or imperfect; to render defective; to impair; as, "exaggeration vitiates a style of writing."
2. to corrupt morally; to debase.
3. to render ineffective; as, "fraud vitiates a contract."

the end is nigh...

2010-05-18T13:51:00.000-04:00

dare to compare

2010-05-17T09:51:00.002-04:00

how is THIS all that much different from THIS???

note: may be slightly NSFW...

embarrassed to be bare assed

2010-05-13T13:47:00.003-04:00

Man stuck in river 'too embarrassed to call for help'
A man who got stuck in river mud was so embarrassed that he didn't call for help for four hours - even though he had a mobile phone.

Xiao Chen got into difficulties when he decided to go for a swim in the Chang Jiang River late at night. The 25-year-old approached what he believed was the edge of the river, only to find that he was sinking up to his waist in silt.

Even though he had a mobile phone on him, Xiao was so embarrassed by his predicament that didn't call for help for four hours, before finally giving up on his attempts to free himself and asking two passing fishermen for help.

It then took emergency services a further seven hours to actually get him free.

Their task was made more difficult due to further embarrassment on Xiao's part - despite the fact that a crew of firemen all stripped down to their underwear to help in the rescue, he refused to undo his own trousers so that he could be more easily pulled free from the mud.

word of the day - may 12 10

2010-05-12T16:01:00.002-04:00

abeyance
noun
suspension; temporary cessation.

delicious, delicious math

2010-05-12T15:57:00.001-04:00

yesterday, out of desperation, i purchased a chocolate bar from the vending machine for $1.25 using 20 coins. what coins and how many of each did i use?

there may or may not be more than one answer... i really didn't bother checking.

let them eat cake dirt

2010-05-12T15:35:00.000-04:00

Indonesian village snacks on soil for better health
In Indonesia, soil is not just a raw material for bricks and ceramics, it's also a snack that one family has been making for generations.

Tuban, in East Java Province, is the only village that produces "ampo," a snack made from clean, gravel-free dark earth collected from nearby paddy fields.

Although there is no medical evidence, villagers believe the soil snacks are an effective pain-killer and pregnant women are encouraged to eat them as it is believed to refine the skin of the unborn baby.

There is no real recipe: makers of the snack use a wooden stick to pound the soil into a hard, solid mass.

Rolls of dirt are then scraped off the with a bamboo dagger, baked and smoked in large clay pot for half and hour and then they're ready to serve.

oh horror of horrors!

2010-05-11T13:42:00.000-04:00

How I Went 24 Hours Without Spending Any Money...In New York City

ok, i just want to punch this bitch in the teeth for her absolute decadence and how she's weeping about how trying it was for her to go an entire day without spending a single penny... i want to vomit on her for feeling so proud of herself for actually accomplishing the task... and i want someone trip her into a mud puddle for trivializing what some people have to go through every day and calling it "unsustainable"...

if i launch into everything that irks me about this article i might literally boil my own blood so i'm just going to inform you of my disgust and let you read it on your own.

a vacation fit for a king sewer rat

2010-05-11T13:14:00.003-04:00

ok, hotels are pretty much the same no matter where you go... the furniture, the linens, the lamp... and WHERE do they ALL get that same picture that hangs over the bed?!?

well, if you're sick of getting that deja vu feeling every time you check into a hotel, i have the perfect vacation destination for you... oh yeah, and you should probably be a huge ninja turtle fan to appreciate this as well.

welcome to the Das Park Hotel located in linz, austria:

here your room is a sewer pipe that has been re-imagined as a bedroom and snugly fits a double bed. amenities such as food and bathroom are provided at the nearby hotel complex.

for more unique hotels, take a gander here:
8 of the Weirdest Hotels on Earth

word of the day - may 10 10

2010-05-10T15:30:00.002-04:00

impecunious
adjective
not having money; habitually without money; poor.